Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I'm very sorry for your experiences.

Something useful to consider is that if this particular abuser is allowed to the party and later uses that to nefariously gain the trust of a child or their parent, then that risks a horrific situation that may affect that chlld forever. If he isn't allowed to go to the party, then he and/or mum might be mildly irritated for an afternoon. If we compare the two possible worst case outcomes, then it may be clearer why people take the position that him not attending is best.

I am sorry for what happened to you. Sadly, considerable experience (personal and professional) tells me that the ways in which paedophiles groom children are many and varied and that children can and have been, abused and groomed for future abuse at birthday parties. No parent, however vigilant, can watch their child every second especially in a somewhat unpredictable situation like a party where there is a lot going on. I've been to some pretty chaotic whole class parties and depending on the nature of the venue and activity, it can he challenging to keep a close eye on your own child at all times. The risk may be small due to the level of adult supervision, but the risk is never zero. Parents need to decide for themselves the level of risk they personally consider acceptable.

I’m sorry for what you have been through. Unfortunately it is something a lot of us have been through and the best way to stop it is to understand how to prevent it.

If you research how paedophiles operate then children’s parties are the perfect place to start grooming. He shouldn’t be allowed to have interactions with children at all, that is how it starts.

I hope you have support for what you’ve been through.

I am amazed at the number of posters who allegedly would be comfortable hosting a predatory paedophile at their preschooler's party.

OP, of course invite the child. But when you get the confirmation just say "just want to let you know that <pedoDad> will not be able to come in so suggest <apologistmum> or someone else brings child. Thanks!"

In that case I genuinely don't understand your problem?

It's not 'tricky' at all to say that his son is invited to a party but his dad is not welcome for obvious reasons 🤷‍♂️

Either his mum accompanies him or he doesn't go but at least you would've invited him.

I don’t know the law/system around this at all but isn’t there restricted from being around children, including attending children's parties if you are on the sex offenders register? Is there someone at the school who could advise on this? Surely it’s not the first time the school will have come across this and should be able to provide some tips?

Oh get real, he will be at a party ( if he is even there) and there will be other adults around as well, some of whom will be aware of his past

I'll just add that when you have someone in your home, you're sending the message to all there that this is a socially acceptable person. There are so many repercussions.

Of course you can dictate if you're hosting the party.

It's completely up to the host who attends and who doesn't.

I can't see anyone allowing this man to attend, so they'll have to make that clear beforehand.

I'm very sorry to hear that you were abused. The vast majority of people here on this thread want, with all our hearts, to prevent that happening to any more children. Which is why we are giving the advice we are. I now understand that you're giving advice based on your own experience. Please understand that your personal experience does not cover all potential opportunities for grooming and assault. The situation the OP describes is indeed a risk

This. Protect your child and stay away from this family. Unfortunate for the other little boy, but you should safeguard your family first.

Sorry I pressed yabu when you certainly are not!

I am totally with you.
Really it’s for the mum to sort herself out!

I'd feel a bit more than disgust at the paedophile.

I can't imagine equating those two situations, for me abusing children would always be the worst.

I can’t believe how many people here are defending him. That’s why men like him get away with it.

Chances are he’s not allowed around children at all and I certainly wouldn’t allow him around mine.

I would tell him he wasn’t allowed to stay at any birthday party. I would tell him to leave to his face if necessary, no it won’t be pretty but defending your kid is more important than that.

It’s not ok for him to stay somewhere like a birthday party that gives the kids the impression he’s a safe person (that’s part of grooming, the adults seemingly accepting him and making him a “safe person”) or able to watch children who he is sexually attracted to.

YANBU
I can’t believe how many people are being chilled about this!
the first rule of risk is to eliminate it! So no contact at all. Your job is to protect your child, this person hasn’t stopped their attraction have they?! They weren’t cured by getting arrested. So why risk your child being victim.

id speak to the police to ask whether the man is allowed to be near children, then report if he show up to parties etc in breach of that
id also phone the mum and say that the kids are friends, you want to include child but you won’t have dad at parties for obvious reasons. See how she responds. And I wouldn’t ever let my kid visit their house.

God no. This man would not be coming into my home and my child would not be going over to theirs for a play date. It sucks for the kid but it's for their parents to sort out. I would do as pp said and invite the kid and if they rsvp with a yes, I would text the mum saying I don't want the guy to come. Surely they would understand?

Tricky!

If he had any awareness, sense of decency towards his son, acceptance of his offence, then he would be out of the house when his son has friends around. But no, he's there. You have to ask why. Why does his need to be there for his sons party over ride his young son having his mates round playing freely and safely.

I feel sorry for the child. Why would the mother want him around or ever fully trust him.

As he is on the register and being monitored by the police, he isn't allowed to mix with other children under the age of 18. His daughter/son will be known by ss, therefore any children he is going to spend time with would also have to be notified to the police and ss. He would be an absolute mug to put himself in a position where he is around other children and could risk going to prison in doing so.

Couldn’t have said it better! everyone saying but he won’t be a risk because the child is being supervised is forgetting that you are allowing a pedo to a child’s birthday party full of little girls in cute party dresses. Just think about all the disgusting things that man will be thinking about whilst he’s there and the disgusting things he will be doing with those free mental images you’ve just provided for him.

@LadysSmock it tore life as I knew it to shreds. I kicked him out when discovered he was communicating with a adolescent in a way that weirded me out. I reported him to the authorities and never spoke to him again.

Was made to feel like I was the bad guy by his family because the child in question wasn't far off adulthood, and I wouldn't let him see our DC. Then of course the authorities investigated and they discovered that he had done every horrific sexual thing that you could possibly do to children. It was just revolting what he had done, and he was handsome and charming, the last person on earth you would thin would do that. The authorities didn't tell me that though, SS were encouraging me to give him access, and refusing to tell me what he got arrested for. I told them if they couldn't tell me what he'd been arrested for, I couldn't give him access.

I only found out conclusively about the worse child abuse he got arrested for because I went through family court to keep him away from DC, abd the paperwork got disclosed. So no, the authorities don't really police paedophiles, some of them actually act in ways that create risk. It's down to parents to protect their children

What on earth? Why should she have a convicted child predator at her child's birthday party for anyone's benefit?
I wouldn't want to be around him, nevermind have my children around him. Noone will feel happy and relaxed with a monster like that in the room.

I think you need to talk to the mother and find out where she stands as well as more information, what restrictions there are on him, and not just rely on press reports. Then make a decision. Sadly some women collude, very few I know, but even so. Talking to the school might be helpful too, and what do the other mums intend to do? As you say this is about the future as well as now, when you won't be able to supervise closely. My experience tells me that abuse happens in all sorts of places, including when you think it would have been impossible, so I don't think you are wrong to worry. It might be very unlikely now or at this particular party, but what happens when DC reaches the age to he offender was targeting?

It would also really worry me that you say the mum is pushing for this and you feel uncomfortable.

That means they are already testing boundaries and relying on your politeness to get their way.

Allow this and your boundaries will definitely keep getting pushed. So at a sleepover mum says she will pick her child up, oh but it's dad instead. The kids are all going to a film...oh, surprise, dad's in the car to take them and you are put on the spot and don't want to make a fuss. Years go by and the kids are walking home and run into the dad, who is now part of their lives, who offers to take them to get food after school.

Stand firm and be clear to her where the boundaries are right from the beginning to keep your children safe.

I would go, but I would send the mother a very clear message to say you know he is a registered sex offender and you will not tolerate him talking to your children, other parents may feel the same. I would also be a hawk at those parties, kids never out of sight. Hopefully your candor will make him feel such a way that he doesn't even attend.

This! I’m not sure why people haven’t picked up on this post! This is exactly why you limit any interaction where this man will be!