Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

It’s a situation of her own doing by standing by her husband.

as someone who’s partner turned out to be a paedo I cannot fathom anyone staying with someone like that and I have almost as much disdain for them as I do the paedo because, IMO, it condones it. Personally when I found out I kicked him out immediately and within 6 hours had removed all traces of him from my house. Within 12 hours I’d helped ensure he was arrested. They do no deserve to breathe the same air as us. And before some idiot pipes up and says it was only looking at pictures…. NO. Each one of those pictures is a victim. It’s a stepping stone and I would not have that man near the party (or the mum tbh). If arrange to pick the child up and take them back and take personal responsibility for them instead. Because it isn’t the kids fault and I’d want the kid to know there are adults they can trust when/if something happens at home.

Surprised you don't think there's any value in social shunning of someone known to be convicted of this crime.

“Poor woman” ?

not in my eyes

ignorant, oblivious, self-absorbed, selfish, thoughtless

Have you ever been sexually abused as a child? Because I have. So calling me naive is ridiculous. I know first hand how grooming works and it’s not at children’s parties when their parents are watching him like a hawk

Except that paedophiles have admitted that watching children in social situations is how they know how to groom. And as another poster pointed out, by him being there tells children he is a person of trust. He becomes just ‘X’s daddy’ and that is how paedophiles gain children’s trust. So yes, his attendance at a children’s party IS dangerous.

What are you even saying?!

If he brings the child to the party, of course there is a chance he can access a child.

Would you have really risked your own child like this?

I AM A FUCKING VICTIM!! I have been sexually abused as a child. I know fucking well what I’m talking about and I CERTAINLY NOT NAIVE

I’m so sorry that happened to you, it’s awful and so so unfair.

Current thinking is that it’s a risk to position a known sex offender as a safe adult by accepting them in social situations, because the child cannot know they are unsafe adults outside of those social situations.

If the child meets them outside of a fully supervised situation, or when they are with someone who isn’t aware of the sex offenders identity (another mum for example) then they will respond to the sex offender as a safe adult.

That is a real risk in this situation that can be minimised by not positioning him as a safe adult who attends kids parties.

And yet it does happen at parties. [Edited sentence for sense.]

Someone at a family party is seen as a safe person.

I was also groomed as a child. In my case, it was a neighbour's teenage son. I was 7.

To what age would you suggest parents supervise their kids "properly", by which I can only assume you mean they are not allowed to have any unsupervised conversations or interactions with any adult? I don't see how this is practical while allowing for social development.

Edited because I see a pp has already called you naive and I don't want to participate in a pile on

Yes, I would take her word for it if she said he wasn’t going to be there and even if he was there I doubt very much he would be trying anything given his partner / ex partner is aware of his history together with fact that he has already been prosecuted for previous behaviour

This 100%
Given you know this man is a paedophile; you have a moral duty to ensure he doesn’t interact with other people’s children or be seen as a safe adult by them.

YANBU - I wouldn’t want a convicted pedophile anywhere near my children or others that I’m caring for.

I don’t think it’s fair to punish the child but don’t be in a situation where your child is ever unsupervised around this man and I wouldn’t want him in my house either.

YANBU OP. I couldn’t support a sex offender, especially a child one.
does he not have conditions on this kind of thing, like not allowed within certain distance of children’s play areas etc??

It's a situation of her own making. As you mentioned earlier, I find it hard to believe she is still with him.

Then I think you're going to have to tell the mum that he's never welcome at your house under any circumstances. It will be a difficult conversation but given you've got years of this ahead in a small community I think just shrugging it off and hoping for the best is not a good idea. Good luck.

To think a sex offender ‘wouldn’t try anything’ as they’ve already been prosecuted is staggeringly naive. Worryingly so, if you’re in a position of parental responsibility and therefore safeguarding a young person.

This! To all those saying the father poses no threat as he is being monitored - you clearly have never been through anything like this. There is no monitoring in my experience. A bit of box ticking - that's it.

Oh god I wouldn’t want that man anywhere near me. I would prioritise your gut feeling and preferences over the other child’s wellbeing - not your problem. I would want to distance myself from the whole family as much as possible. No it’s not the mum or child’s fault but I would just feel sick 🤮 even him just dropping the child off and me potentially seeing him would make me so sick and angry it would ruin the day for me

I would never EVER raise the risk of my child being groomed or abused. That affects you for the rest of your life.

This man is a known danger. Something could happen at the party, or afterwards, but this is how it works with these dynamics - the boundaries get pushed and pushed. So it's 'just a birthday party, nothing can happen,' then it's more and more and you feel too confused/uncomfortable to say no, or something happens under your nose and it's too late.

This man is not a friend or a safe person. That means no having him in the house or interacting with him. Grooming is all about gaining trust - don't give an inch.

Stupid comparison to suggest that a stranger in the street is on par with this creature.

Yes there is a possibility that anyone could be one, but in this case the OP knows that this guy is. So why take the risk?

It’s not about policing people’s thoughts, it’s about not opening a window of opportunity to some local creep.

It's not just him "trying anything" that's the problem though, is it?!
As people have already brought up on the thread they wouldn't want their child to think little Johnny's Dad is a safe adult like they grow up thinking and being around other adults.
It's a good point. When they're older and accepting lifts of their mates parents for example, you can't police as strictly then.
Best off not having him around at all.
That's how grooming becomes a thing.

@Gymmum82

so in the OP’s position, can you clarify what you would do?

and whether your partner would be fully on board with it?

I am very sorry this happened to you. It is absolutely terrible and precisely what most parents seek to protect their children from.

However, the way you were abused is not the only way children are abused and it has been explained to you repeatedly why having him at a party is an immediate danger (i.e. victims have explained that they were touched essentially in front of their parents without anyone realising) and with a longer term view (psychologically positioning him as just another familiar adult).

I'm afraid that your position on this is very naive and, particularly if all you say is true, I implore you to listen to other posters and protect your or other people's children better and to stop shaming parents who are taking steps to do just that.

Calling them "hysterical" for taking sensible, robust steps to keep their children wholly separated from a known paedophile is absolutely beyond the pale.