Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I’m actually gobsmacked that anyone would be ok with a child sex offender being in their house. Truly gobsmacked. Some of the answers on this post are weird AF.

I hate to say it, but your priority is your child alone. It is sad for the other child, but I would not he encouraging a friendship because this problem is not going away.
I would do small group parties rather than full class ones so that the child is not singled out, and I would find reasons why your child cannot go to any events where he might be invited. But I would not be allowing my child to have anything to do with this family outside of school. Your DC should be pleasant to the child in school, but as they get older there should be no socialising outside of school at all.

If he is on the sex offenders register there are probably a whole shed load of restrictions about where he can go and what he can do regarding interaction with children, his own and others, online and in person. If he breaks these terms he will be in breach of his conditions and liable to be sent to prison. If you feel bold enough then bring it up with his wife and explain what you are thinking re the party.

It's sad for the child involved but I would not be letting my child anywhere near this man or his wife, as she is an apologist for a paedophile. I cannot get my head around why any woman would accept this from her 'partner'. Its vile.
Go with your heart and keep your child well away from these messed up individuals. Is he even allowed to have contact with any children as a consequence of his registration?

Can you see that even if always supervised, someone being positioned as a trusted adult is a risk when you know them to be a paedophile? If your child has met someone’s dad at parties etc then if they then come across them in other situations, they are likely to think of them as a ‘safe’ adult which means they are then vulnerable to being approached / groomed. A way to minimise that risk is to not allow known sex offenders to be in situations where they are being positioned as safe adults to the children present.

I would take the mothers word for it, she knows if she lies and he does actually attend that it would be highly likely that very few children would attend any future parties

Yes, I understood you completely, that's not the point.

"Porn" is created for entertainment purposes whereas the children in these images/videos are victims of real abuse, not performers, hence why the language has changed and there have been widespread campaigns to get the media to stop using the phrase "child porn". It's the same reason we don't say "child prostitutes" anymore, they are victims of Child Sexual Exploitation. As I said, I'm not trying to be pedantic and I agree with the content of your post but words do matter.

Agree, no way would I be “supporting” this evil cunt.

I would message him and the Mum “given X’s paedophiliac criminal record, he is not allowed in our house so only you/Mum can bring little X to party and stay”.

Why dance around it - if they don’t like it, it’s up to them to let their kid miss out.

I agree with you.
If I knew someone who was on the SA reg I wouldn’t invite their child and wouldn’t take my child to their party.
Sorry if said child misses out but that’s for the parents to deal with. The dad did it so he has to deal with the consequences.

I wouldn’t want my child to have any contact with him. If he is in your environment he becomes a person of trust. And I wouldn’t want that.

This is SUCH an important point I hadn’t even considered. The message it sends to your child.

Well, I wouldn't be happy putting a child in the presence of a known paedophile, knowing that they could be wanking off to the memory of that child later that day. It seems that a surprising number of people on this thread would be ok with this.

@Gymmum82

Can you see that even if always supervised, someone being positioned as a trusted adult is a risk when you know them to be a paedophile? If your child has met someone’s dad at parties etc then if they then come across them in other situations, they are likely to think of them as a ‘safe’ adult which means they are then vulnerable to being approached / groomed. A way to minimise that risk is to not allow known sex offenders to be in situations where they are being positioned as safe adults to the children present.

I’d be horrified if I found out you’d invited a convicted sex offender to a party my child was at.

Completely agree with this. It's very sad for the child if they become isolated, but that is not the fault of the parents trying to keep their own children safe, it's the fault of their disgusting father and stupid mother.

You’d take her word for it? Why give a first chance when it comes to the safety of your own child? I’m baffled. How on earth is it worth the risk of doing so?

You are unspeakably naive. The last thread I read on this topic on here had some truly eye-opening accounts from victims - including one who had been touched in front of her parents, who had no idea what had happened.

It is a crying shame for the child , I will not argue that.

But maybe if the Mum didn’t keep the man around and allow him to be present at parties that include rooms full of children then he wouldn’t be excluded .

YANBU

I would be exactly the same .

I wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my children and also would certainly not allow him the opportunity to be in a room full of children.

^ agree. Bluntly tell the mum you don’t want him around your DC

Frankly if he is on the sex offenders register I’d expect he has restrictions on being around kids anyway

Make your limits clear to the mum
if he turns up anyway, tell him to stay away

Also for people saying that he can’t “do” anything at the party as he’s supervised - it’s besides the point . He can think disgusting things for a start.

But the most concerning thing is that this man groomed a young girl and by having him present at parties you are making him look like a “safe” person to those children.

I would question the mothers sanity and judgement if she is trying to continue as if nothing happened.
It's not normal offence, and they can't assume that community want to go alonb and rehabilitate him. Certainly nit at children's birthdays.

What worries me is the support he appears to be getting from his partner to “reintegrate”, but perhaps this will only be an issue for your family as the children get older and grow closer, or not, as the case maybe. His crime is one thing but him having an adult who has a young child of their own supporting him and potentially making light of the situation (appreciate you’re uncertain about this) is alarming. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t trust the mother either. Sorry, I’m being no help at all.

She isn’t saying the child can’t come, just that the dad can’t bring him because he is a sex offender

just have to remember Vanessa George