Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

No. Just tell the mom no and why. It is on her to provide a safe environment for her child and others she brings her child around. If she chooses to stay with him it will affect her child. Sad or not your child is your main concern, not hers. The whole problem with pedophiles is they build up familiarity and trust. It doesn't matter if your child is alone with them. Children are trusting and will be like oh it's so and so's dad so it must be okay. He was at the party and my mom is okay with him so it's fine. No amount of talking to your child will guarantee their safety. I cannot fathom the responses on here that think you are wrong for trying to keep your child away from a pedophile. It is truly unbelievable 🙄

Also anyone who is refusing to have the child at their house or to go to parties etc…. isn’t punishing the child.
The child is being punished by their parents. Parents who think it’s ok to expose other children to a known sexual offender. That’s their choice to do so. The consequence is also their responsibility. Not other people who decide to not trust him.

you got what I meant,

I wouldn't accept the mother either. If she is his enabler or in deep denial she is as dengerous as him. There are women out there who find children gor peados. Some have no problem sacrificing their own. There are plenty of stories from kids who spoke up but weren't believed by their mothers.

You won't be the only one who doesn't want him there so you'll be helping out plenty of other people if you don't let him come.

@springisspringing1 as someone whose husband turned out to be a paedophile, who raped small children, you are completely in the right not to want this man at your child's party. Anyone who tells you otherwise just doesn't understand Safeguarding.

It might be worth messaging the Mum before sending out invites to say that your DC loves seeing her child, and would be thrilled to see her and her child at their party but that, given the nature of dad's offences, it naturally wouldn't be appropriate for dad to attend. That way you aren't leaving her DC out, it's the mother's choice if she wants the child to attend the party or not. If she is offended by that, that's her problem.

With playdates, either meet up with Mum and child out and about, or always have the child at your house.

If you know he's a paedophile, he should not be near your child at any time for any reason, as paedophiles are slippery charming bastards and great at grooming children even in the briefest of moments. Also they tend not to get caught for everything they've done, so he's probably done worse than what he was convicted for

Indeed

but the op mentions absolutely no one else in this small community feeling same way about this party

You are naive in the extreme. The community should be shunning this man so that no children are EVER near him. Do you not understand how grooming works?!

Fuck, I’m so sorry. That must have been really hard for you to cope with.

“Judgemental vigilante style approaches”
what approach is more appropriate for a known pedophile? I personally think we should bring back the death sentence or castration for such people but please do enlighten me on how pedos have rights and feelings too and we should all ponder to them?

Agreed, 100%!!

As someone who was abused as a child by one of these perverts, I wouldn't have him anywhere near me, my child or other people's children. Sod all the hand wringers, I doubt they've ever seen the damage men like this do to people.

We just have to hope her partner doesn’t feel the same and would stop @Gymmum82

Apply for more information via a Sarah's Law request. Be guided by the police and child services.

And what many people are saying is that it isn't possible to supervise every child sufficiently at a party you are hosting to ensure there is no risk. Far safer and easier to just make sure the paedophile isn't there in the first place.

At 4 I think you can manage this quite easily as generally parties still involve parental supervision. Things might get stickier in a few year time where drop-off parties become more common alongside lift shares etc. However, even in a single form year, there is no guarantees your children will be close in older childhood and you might be able to naturally avoid. Your challenge will come if the children become good friends because I think the risks become greater the older they are.

I can never understand the paedophile apologists. I had a friend who's husband ended up being convicted for offences to children, and she stayed with him, and several friends still stand up for him and encourage everyone to #bekind. Despite him wanting to rape girls.

I’m shocked by how many posters would be fine with a paedophile rocking up to their kids birthday party.
so yes he comes along, behaves impeccably, all the kids think he’s great fun, this happens several times over the years.
then age 10 DS is allowed to walk home alone, a car pulls up and offers him a lift, he knows of course not to go with strangers but this isn’t a stranger, this is Ben’s dad who he knows from several birthday parties, so in he gets….

no thanks!!!

Well because the OP is likely to stay at the party. Kid is reception age

Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

It’s probably not her fault that he committed the offence but I would 100% be judging her for maintaining any relationship whatsoever with a paedophile. If everyone was open about it ie ‘sorry, I don’t want my child around a paedophile’ then perhaps she’d make better choices for her child and cut him out.

@Praying4PeaceI’m deeply concerned by your response on this thread. Genuine question: do you actually know what a paedophile is? If so, why in the ever loving universe are you defending one? Please explain in detail

I find it scary that so many parents are pro-peadophilia, it does make me wonder what they’re choosing to expose their children to.

The only one punishing the child is the parents, the mum obviously thinks children should be forced to spend time with a sex offender, if she didn’t she would attend events without him and do non-home based parties for her own child.

I think exactly this. Familiarity and trust are built up over time. My kids know and trust their friend’s parents. You do not want this man being seen as trustworthy by the smaller kids as when they’re older there will be more unsupervised opportunities and associated risk.

I wouldn’t allow a nonce around my dc either.

Unsupervised or not, I wouldn’t want the thought of him leering around them or quite possibly having sexual thoughts/attraction towards the dc.

I sometimes wonder how it is possible that so many of these monsters manage to reoffend after being convicted (apart from the fact they should never be released in the first place).

Some of the posts on this thread are clearing up that mystery for me.

Horrified.