Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

How is that going to harm the child? Answer it isn’t. If you are going to start policing people’s thoughts you are going to have to interrogate a lot of people. Who knows what any stranger in the street is thinking. Besides which it doesn’t affect you or your child.
Is it nice to think about? No. Is it damaging to the child? Also no

The one that I mentioned upthread finished up with convictions against adolescents, a grown woman and a baby and was not on the register at that time, in spite of his previous convictions.

I can’t believe how many parents don’t care about knowing allowing their dc being around a paedophile. Absolutely not! The fact the mother is minimising and keeping a relationship is worrying.

YABU and punishing the child for the sins of the father

Rather that than expose other children to a paedophile.

Agreed.

I do hate this bloody type of answer: you're right,we don't catch them all: but we know this one!!! There's a guy on our trick or treat route that gives my OH vibes, so we won't go back there this year. But here's a sex offender on the register, and you shrug your shoulders? I find this view Contemptible ,to be honest

But he might be taking photos. The latest thing is to take photos of children then use their faces and create sexual images based on AI. That’s why my kids faces aren’t on social media.

Plus watching children means they get a good scope of who to groom. This is well known as paedophiles have admitted this is how they start - watch the kids, figure out who is close with who, who would make a good victim.

A person watching your kids can absolutely be a risk and harm a child.

Of course YANBU, does he fuck need reintegrating into society, he needs a long walk off a short cliff.

Unfortunately for his kid they would be getting no invites from us, nor would we be accepting any of their invites and to be frank, the mother only has herself to blame, if she continues to entertain a pedo she can’t expect people to want to be around her family.

He isn’t zero risk. A lot of those men reoffend…

But more to the point, no one is entitled to people trusting them ‘just because’. The OP could have decided to act the same way just because he has the wrong hair co,our, the vibe wasn’t right. Whatever. Trust is something you earn.

So no, it’s not a ‘judgemental vigilantes’, it’s just a ‘I don’t trust you’ full stop.

NO ONE but you (and their other parent, if in the picture) is going to put your children's safety and well-being first. That's your job. It doesn't matter if anyone here thinks you're being unreasonable or "hysterical" (nice misogynistic dogwhistle) or mean or not upholding some imaginary responsibility for you and your 4yo to help a criminal reintegrate into the community. Imagine you give in to people telling you to be kind, distrust your instincts, etc. and something does happen to your child. Will you really feel then that you did the right thing to spare the feelings of the dad, the mum, and the other 4yo at the expense of your own child's safety?

Someone on the sex offender registry will be fully prepared to be excluded from events with small children. Adult relatives of that person - certainly, a wife and co-parent - will be fully prepared for that as well. They should be proactively and intentionally excluding themselves, especially this soon after the reported offence. Don't involve the 4yos, who cannot and should not have to understand - but make it clear that this dad is not welcome in your house and that your child will not go to the friend's house while he is there.

Of course you don't know if any specific stranger is a danger to your child; anyone could be, and you should use caution accordingly. But you also know that THIS specific person IS a danger - logically you're going to take special precautions based on that information. That is an intentional PURPOSE of the registry - yes, it lets the police, the schools, etc. take special precautions but it also informs the entire community that there's a red flag here. That doesn't mean lower your guard in terms of the way you generally handle safeguarding for your children - but in this particular case, of course it's absolutely reasonable to RAISE your guard. Don't be shamed out of it.

@springisspringing1 I wouldn’t allow parties and playdates either.
I would allow them at my house IF the dad is nowhere near by. At 4yo, it’s still a bit early but very soon, no parent will stay anyway.

Sorry to be pedantic but there is no such thing as "child porn", it's images of child sexual abuse.

Wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment behind your post though!

Outside of school, my child would have nothing to do with the other child and his ignorant mother and sexual deviant father.

Whilst I feel for the child, it is but a drop in the ocean as to why much I wouldn’t want my child within this family’s vicinity

Historical though this event was, thank you a million times for doing the right thing.

If only more people were this vigilant, as opposed to sticking their heads in the sand and deluding themselves either that it doesn't happen or that close supervision will 100% protect children.

It doesn't. The posters making these dangerously erroneous claims really need to read more about the typical modus operandi of these predators. They cannot be rehabilitated and they will not stop. They are clever, devious, good at playing the long game, capable of grooming parents as well as children, and hide in plain sight.

It depresses me beyond belief that these points have to be made on Mumsnet of all places.

Contact your local police forces PPU/ MOSOVO team and say that you're aware mr x is on the sor, he is present when there are children's party's going on. Let them deal with it.
I guess you'd never know if, eg, the order has expired or maybe the order prevents contact with female children of a certain age.

OP certainly can dictate who comes into her house and interacts with her DC. She said parents come in and stay for parties. There is no way he should come over her doorstep while there are children in her house. Maybe OP can ask the child's mother to be the one to bring her child - she will understand why the request is made.

I think it’s unfair for the child’s mother to be allowing the dad to be anywhere near the friend’s children. If that was my husband I would be very clear that I would do all the child-related activities and he needs to keep a low profile (not that I’d want me or my children anywhere near him ever again). If he’s on the sexual offenders register is he even allowed anywhere near a school or children?

A lot of these responses are baffling to me.

I wouldn't invite them to anything nor attend anything of theirs if invited.

What do you think grooming is? It starts as a friendly conversation. Perfectly ordinary. The adult presents themself to the child as a friendly, apparently safe person. The difference between this initial grooming and a normal child/adult conversation is only in the thoughts and intentions of the adult. But that can't be seen by an observer.

This can absolutely happen in a supervised public setting.

Now the child thinks the pedophile is a safe and friendly adult. In the future, with further opportunities for interaction/grooming, a relationship can develop of perceived trust/familiarity/friendship. In a number of months or years time abuse happens.

Simply the presence of the pedophile at a kids party presents him as being a normal safe adult, even if he doesn't speak to the OPs child on this occasion.

The pedophile needs to be kept away from the children.

The children need to be told in an age appropriate way (see my 1st post on this thread, it's on pg3) that he's not a safe adult.

You are dangerously wrong, both in the immediate instance and with a longer-term view in mind, as has been explained on this thread repeatedly.

Wise up.

And stop attempting to shame parents out of exercising their better judgement in protection of their children. It's part of the problem.

I seriously question the motives of anyone who does this.

I know your saying poor woman. But honestly I can't think of anything other than how absolutely selfish she is. If she is unwilling to leave him is it fair her child is subjected to a lifetime of being bullied and ostracised because of his actions and her actions to be with a paedophile. It is disgusting and a stance should be taken against this why should he be accepted back in to society? I don't know why we should support these monsters. It isn't some minor offence. I feel like this is somehow starting to become normalised and poor kids like urs and his kid are stuck in an unfair situation but I wouldn't be going to parties unless I knew he wasn't there and I also would only accept the mum at the party and I would make it clear to her why. Although I doubt I could be friends with a woman like that.

Also there is a reason why there is a sex offender register. That’s to ensure that people in the community know the person has committed a sexual crime. That’s because, unlike let’s say theft, people are not seen as ‘having served their sentence and are rehabilitated’ by the end of it. Theyre seen as potentially dangerous. That’s the whole point of the register. A warning.

So I’m at loss as to why the OP should ignore that warning.
Im not quite sure why ANYONE should ignore it when that same person wouldn’t be allowed to work with children because they are on said register tbh….

Well, maybe his father shouldn't be fucking gross and get off on child abuse.

That’s a whole lot of not OP’s problem. She owes the mother nothing.