Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I'm absolutely astonished at some of these responses.

This is how abuse gets normalised.

The fact that 'there's a lot of CSA about' does not mean that we have to shrug at it.

Child abusers don't announce themselves to a child, or a parent. And the reason children are so vulnerable is precisely because they are groomed by society, before any abuse is enacted, to trust and defer to adults.

In having that man in her home, the OP is giving him a seal of approval. Her children will learn that he has the status of all the other to whom s/he must defer.

It needn't be a question of it happening there and then - it will lay the groundwork for future interactions.

Though in fact - as any reader of the many accounts of women who were themselves abused as children on MN knows - there are a million ways to get a child alone when 30 seconds is long enough. And many abusers do it in plain sight of other adults, who are conditioned not to believe their own instincts (or eyes).

OP, you have to say to the woman (who has herself betrayed her own child and is therefore absolutely not to be trusted) 'We're lookng forward to seeing Tommy, but unless you plan to drop and run please make sure that it's you that brings him."

She will know what you mean - and if she can't be grateful for your humanity towards her child, then she's even more contemptible. She is the one who has isolated her child by maintaining ties with an abuser. Seriously, fuck her.

Sorry what, have I misunderstood?
You would be more angry at OP than you would be at the paedophile?

I nodded along to your post, then came to the last line. It saddened me. That someone can post this much common-sense on an issue like child-safeguarding, then recognise that they are in a minority on this thread, is frankly unbelievable.

On Mumsnet. Of all places.

There are some very naive people on this thread.

It's all very well to instruct others to 'do better' or to 'be kind'.

I remember worrying that I'd been unkind by warning other members of my family to keep their children away from the 'rehabilitated' chap who was a friend of a relative. He really did seem like a nice bloke...he'd been very young when he was imprisoned and I didn't know exactly what the charges there, because they were spoken of in such vague terms.

I was in my early 20s when I became aware of it all and not very worldly.

Then 40 yrs later he had to be tried in another part of the country to get a fair trial and was convicted of raping two girls, years after the first offences had taken place. Then he was given an additional sentence for other historical offences all of which took place after he'd been "rehabilitated".

I’d be clear that for my child’s party their child is welcome but Dad is not. For their child’s party, I would not leave my child unsupervised if there was any indication the dad would be there. Age 4 drop and go is fairly uncommon anyway (or is round here) so you have time to assess the situation.
I totally understand not wanting your child to even know this man exists

There are some very naive people on this thread.

hence the existence of sexual abuse against children

An adult committing sexual abuse against a child is reliant on naive, ignorant, self absorbed adults around said child

Why does anyone owe a criminal help to reintegrate?

He chose to break the law, It's now up to every parent whether they want him around their kids.

If I had an older daughter, I absolutely would not allow it.

I wouldn't want him in my home, either.

I've just Googled the offender that I mentioned above.

To my shock, I've just discovered that he had a conviction in 1985 for 'lewd and libidinous practices'. That would be the same year that I reported that he was living in the same household as a woman and her daughters.

FGS, don't take chances around a sex offender.

You can't possibly say that. My child was groomed and assaulted by a man with a valid DBS check on school premises during class time - don't ever underestimate the deviousness of the paedophile.

Yes - if I wasn’t aware that he was a convicted child abuser

because the OP is aware he is an abuser and a convicted one on the register and allowed him into her home where there are lots of children at a party & didn’t give me any choice if that was ok with my child being around such a person

so while I would feel disgust at the man
I would also be very angry at the OP that she allowed him in her houses for a child’s party ( ( if she were to do this )

I mean inviting a registered child sex abuser to a party full of young kids - it’s like putting lambs in a field to be slaughtered by a lion

I thought part of being on that register was that it stopped you from going near children In this sort of situation.

And I think risking the child. I know paedophiles have preferences but paedophiles can be very depraved. I would fight to the death to keep my child’s parent away from them if they were a convicted paedophile, I would not be trying to reintegrate them into my local community. I wonder if she doesn’t believe he is guilty.

Can’t believe some of these responses,He was looking at child porn (those poor abused children being made to do these things ),also done for grooming.People saying he needs integrating back into village life FUCK OFF.

Because the OP or her partner will be there?

Yanbu . I’d be making other plans/ excuses so your child can just say they did something else instead.

Thing is you feel uncomfortable about it for a reason. Children being young goes quickly. If you socialise with these people it’s quite disinegnuous isn’t it. They’ll keep inviting you to things. It’s easy to stay at a 4 year olds party but at an 8 year olds party, or when they start going on smaller outing for birthdays in 1 car with just parents? It will be easier to make excuses now and shut it down than going along with it, pretending to be ok with it and going along with it for ages…

There will hands down be other people thinking the same. Your child can an be friends with this child but you just don’t want to expose your child to the risk of their home life.

People who are saying that the guy will be monitored by social services/ police…. I mean relying on these services to keep your children safe isn’t a fail safe plan is it.

YANBU

Trust the mum too,do we? Ridiculous comment

I'm personally wondering what could possibly be motivating them to post in that vein. #MeToo was an indication. Not the numbers of women posting - that sadly came as no surprise - but the extent and vitriol of the pushback telling us why 'nice girls' should not be speaking about this serious and far too pervasive issue.

Who stands to gain from keeping the status quo precisely as it is?

Hint: it isn't women, and it isn't children.

My issues is that parent allowed an abuser to have contact with my child. I consider this a serious breach of trust.

NTRTFT but grooming can absolutely start from the merest of interactions. A young child who trusts his parents is likely to trust the parents of his friends. Once the adult has been seen in a safe environment a few times, a certain level of trust will have been reached. And so on.
Dramatic? Unlikely? Maybe but I’d not have that paedophile anywhere near my child or home.
Maybe he’s a hebephile (?sp) so OP’s child not yet of interest but behaviour changes and can become more extreme.

"Because your dad us a nounce that I've not said isn't welcome in my house"?

Nope.

The predator that I've mentioned was able to set up home with a woman who had two children and - as I've just discovered - even though I reported the situation the same year that he was convicted again.

A Fife teacher has just been convicted of inappropriate communications with teenage girls (they'd just left school). He sent them pics and videos of himself. He's only going to be on the sex offenders' register for two years, if I recall correctly.

Of course it's a joke. But given the overall content of this thread I admit that I, too, blinked twice.

Ignore the ridiculous on here today OP, & the mother who appears to think that everything will be OK. It won’t, pedo’s never stop! Give it to that woman straight, & keep your kid safe. What do the other parents think, surely they can’t think that this is OK too?

This is a common misconception. Children are everywhere, so without being confined to permanent house arrest it's not practically possible for a convicted paedophile to ensure they never go "near children". They won't be able to work with children or take on voluneering roles with children but their SHPO (Sexual Harm Prevention Order) will probably say something fairly vague along the lines of they must avoid contact with children other than that which is necessary in the course of their normal day to day life- i'm paraphrasing obviously. So they could argue that picking up their own child from school is a necessary part of their every day life (even though there will be other children there) but they would potentially be in trouble if they were approaching random children in a local park. Being at their own childs birthday party would more than likely be seen as reasonable but taking their child to another childs birthday party and staying there with them could be pushing the boundaries of, or even breaching, their SHPO depending on what it says.