Is my friend outrageously entitled in her expectations?

[MariadeiMiracoli]

I moved to my current town 18 years ago and got to know a woman renting a house on the cheap from a local who was off travelling. She was an interesting woman who'd given up her teaching job after a few years and gone travelling to SE Asia and South America, teaching English. Very laid back, getting by on benefits and subs from friends and family. Used to do a few hours at the local pub or shop for cash in hand and when she'd built up enough, buy an air ticket and take off to Hawaii or India for a month or two, picking up bar work or sleeping on the beach when she got there, always anticipating that someone would help her out.

About 12 years ago she met a man and moved in with him in Devon. It didn't work out and she ended up in a caravan and, when she turned 55, was housed in a flat in a 55+ development. But she's unhappy: there's noise, one of her neighbours drinks and plays music loud, another has serious MH issues. I visited her there a couple of years ago and thought it was actually rather nice: smart modern flat in a very desirable Devon town and no issues on the days I was there. I've said to her that even in the smartest private flats you can end up living next door to someone noisy but she says she's not prepared to put up with it.

She wants a bungalow with two bedrooms, so she can have a yoga/ meditation/ craft room. She wants a south-facing garden she can tend. It's got to be within walking distance of a decent town, but somewhere quiet and peaceful with a green outlook. And parking because she has a car. She's found a number of HAs (one here near me, where she used to live, one where she lives now and a third in the Bristol area) that have a tiny number of properties that fit her bill. All of them have been built for disabled people. She's been driving around inspecting them and knows precisely which ones she's after.

She's asked for my support to try and get one of her chosen properties in this area. I'm not sure what that will entail, but I suspect it'll involve spinning the truth to match the HA criteria. I've told her very clearly that I don't think there's any way she'll actually get one of these properties and she needs to compromise, but she says that if you don't ask firmly you don't get. Is this how it is now? I don't know what to make of it.

But there's no way she'll be able to do that. Do you really think the conversation will go like this?

Hi, housing association, can I have this flat?
Ok sure, it's for disabled people, are you disabled?
Yes.
Great, here's the key.

It's not, but gives us all a juicy read, I suppose.

There’s no way she’d get that if she goes through social housing.

She may be able to exchange her property for one that she wants but she’d be very, very lucky to find someone with exactly what she wants who wants hers.

I would ask what it is she wants you to do and then say no.
The worst thing that will happen is that she’ll fall out with you and stop asking you for favours.

Sounds like a professional freeloader to me for the last 20 years getting by on cash in hand whilst claiming benefits most likely so not having paid back into the society she now wants to manipulate since all the housing she has her eyes on is disabled. You sound like a switched on person OP and that you’ll tell the truth so anything she does get she’s entitled to without having displaced someone in greater need

We choose where we want to live within the confines of it being affordable. Being affordable generally depends on working and earning money. If a person chooses to live a very flexible lifestyle, with no regular income, then choices will be restricted.

If she chooses not to work, then she chooses to restrict her options for housing and those who are in most need and not in a position to work, should be the priority, not someone who has opted out of mainstream.

I couldn't respect someone like that. She's chosen a life of ease, relying on strangers, when she couid have worked hard and bought her dream property the way most other people do.

Direct her to Citizens Advice who can give professionl advice and perhaps she will lower her expectations once she's spoken with a professional

It's a while since I worked in Lettings for a HA but for local connections to come into play it's usually a family member or someone you provide care for that you need to show a link to (or working in the area or fleeing DV, neither of which seem to apply here). A friend living in the area wouldn't count. It has to show why you have a need that is greater than that of a person already living locally (who a council has obligations to as a resident of their district) and why that need can't be met in the area you're already living. Best she can expect to be offered in the area is a something similar in a over 55s scheme (these are often hard to let) but she won't get a 2 bed anything.

She seem to want a lot of things for someone who has never or barely ever has contributed to the system 😂
I would stay well clear

I think you can tell the truth if asked for supporting evidence and no more than that. Her expectations will shake down, she may have to go back to paid employment. Tbh I wouldn't engage with whether she deserves or doesn't deserve anything: you are not her judge.
People will often tell you what their "rights" are and as long as you don't reinforce their delusions by action it does no harm to listen to castles in the air.

For all you know she may have mental health issues and/or a physical ailments which will be genuine leverage.

@SusieSheepie why have you quoted me in your answer?

What I'm saying, in case it's not clear...is that I think this woman is a nasty freeloader and I really hope she doesn't get to defraud HAs, disabled people etc.

i note OP doesn't answer how she thought this lady was paying for food etc.

My guess is that she'll be claiming that she needs an extra room for her MH, so that she can do yoga and meditate in order to avoid a depressive episode like the one she had during lockdown. She is likely also to claim to need a private garden for the same reason. She was on medication for a while when she left her last relationship and during and after lockdown. Seems okay now, but she doesn't talk about it. It's the only thing I can think of that might give her any hope of getting a property designated for the disabled.

This is the crux of it. She can live how she wants as long as it’s not impacting other people negatively - volunteering and helping friends out in return for temporary accommodation is fine. But it’s not right to game the system like this. I’d tell her you don’t want to get involved and suggest she asks her GP to write her a reference!!

I know a few people like her and they live very interesting lives, always off doing things in different places and it's so cool. I always knew I wanted a house with a garden so I could have my own little base and my garden to be own little slice of nature, as well as stability so DH and I bought our lovely home a few years ago at 30 and have our careers that give us the life we want.
Every kind of life we choose comes with its own benefits and its own sacrifices and she has to understand she chose a certain path. Or she can go get a job that pays well enough and rent where she wants privately.

@MariadeiMiracoli "My guess is that she'll be claiming that she needs an extra room for her MH"

does this work? Sometimes I wonder if I should have declared my well documented MH issues

I honestly don't think this kind of help is available. Imagine all of us with A&D declaring we must have 2 bed flats!

She sounds like someone who has contributed a lot, while taking little. Our society is kept going by the unpaid work of volunteers and carers.

I think what's confused me about this thread is that people seem to think it's pretty normal to behave the way this woman does.

I knew she was able to claim benefits, that her family helped out at times and that she worked occasionally cash-in-hand at the local pub or shop or dog-walking or doing some gardening.

I don't think it's common, but I think the world would be a far better place if it was.

You think the world would be better if more people lied to get benefits?

okay, enough internet for me today.

I dint think she has been to you. She's been a friend, you've helped her out when she needed it and she helped you.

How would it be better if more people took over flats for the disabled by deception and lies ?

I wouldn't help her. Anyway, without proof they won't do anything.

There's no suggestion here that she's lied to get benefits. Just that she's done a lot of voluntary work and odd jobs and what sounds like mutual support.

There's no evidence of that, just OP's accusations, which she's shown no evidence of.