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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

149 replies

Confusedsquirrel · 23/04/2025 23:03

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 23/04/2025 23:05

"Hi Dad, numbers are tight and invite is just for you. Would you like the chicken or the vegetarian option?"

paranoiaofpufflings · 23/04/2025 23:09

Just say no, it’s really simple. You can tell him the numbers are booked and final. The invitation list was small, your immediate relatives only.

GoodCharl · 23/04/2025 23:10

Just say sorry no

Vaxtable · 23/04/2025 23:12

Hi Dad

sorry numbers are fixed and paid for, so we can’t accommodate your request. Let me know your choices

Original poster
Confusedsquirrel · 23/04/2025 23:13

Ahh, I know. It sounds so simple in theory and I wish it was, and I wish I didn’t care about the outcome as it’s my day and who gives a stuff. But I just know this will cause fallout and open cans of worms! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
stichguru · 23/04/2025 23:13

Personally I would expect my dad to bring a partner that he's clearly been with for many years and I get on ok with. However I don't think you have to.

ACynicalDad · 23/04/2025 23:17

Maybe just be honest, if you're partners' parents partners aren't coming it becomes much more easy. Say we've not invited any of our parent's partners as it's a very small group and we don't want to cause friction and be distracted by this on our special day, if we invite one we need to invite all. On top of that the numbers have been paid for and it's a small venue.

Enough4me · 23/04/2025 23:18

Confusedsquirrel · 23/04/2025 23:13

Ahh, I know. It sounds so simple in theory and I wish it was, and I wish I didn’t care about the outcome as it’s my day and who gives a stuff. But I just know this will cause fallout and open cans of worms! 🤦‍♀️

Don't discuss just say how it is, try the broken record technique, "numbers are booked and we're keeping it small", on repeat as required. Change the subject to the weather, wedding flowers, got to go and make some calls.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 23/04/2025 23:18

Vaxtable · 23/04/2025 23:12

Hi Dad

sorry numbers are fixed and paid for, so we can’t accommodate your request. Let me know your choices

Perfect answer. It shuts down all further conversation and gets you the answer you need about his dietary requirements.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/04/2025 23:18

Sorry Dad. Numbers are fixed and it's all booked and paid for already. Really looking forward to seeing you.
Let me know if you want chicken or fish x

HopingForTheBest25 · 23/04/2025 23:23

I think so much depends on whether parents have been good to you and whether their partners have been a force for good in your life. If your dad has been a bit rubbish and his partner is just some woman you are civil to if your paths cross, then no, you don't owe her an invitation.
Personally, I don't think that your view of/relationship with your mum's partner, should have any bearing on what you do about your dad's partner - they are different people and dad's partner deserves to be treated as the individual she is!
I don't think there has to be parity just because they are the partners of your mum and dad.

I would be aware though, that if you don't make room for her, any recent improvement in relations will likely stall and so make a decision on whether you would actually like to get closer to her and your dad in future.

But ultimately it's your wedding and if you are only inviting mum and dad out of a sense of obligation, then that doesn't have to extend to their partners if you don't like them as people.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:51

I would probably let her come. You're celebrating a lifelong partnership and you won't let your dad bring his long term partner? Is seems odd when people do that at weddings.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:52

I doubt your mum will ask to bring her on off guy

Outofthepan · 23/04/2025 23:53

HopingForTheBest25 · 23/04/2025 23:23

I think so much depends on whether parents have been good to you and whether their partners have been a force for good in your life. If your dad has been a bit rubbish and his partner is just some woman you are civil to if your paths cross, then no, you don't owe her an invitation.
Personally, I don't think that your view of/relationship with your mum's partner, should have any bearing on what you do about your dad's partner - they are different people and dad's partner deserves to be treated as the individual she is!
I don't think there has to be parity just because they are the partners of your mum and dad.

I would be aware though, that if you don't make room for her, any recent improvement in relations will likely stall and so make a decision on whether you would actually like to get closer to her and your dad in future.

But ultimately it's your wedding and if you are only inviting mum and dad out of a sense of obligation, then that doesn't have to extend to their partners if you don't like them as people.

This

Starzinsky · 24/04/2025 00:21

Seems a bit childish his partner wasn't invited in the first place.

IndigoViolent · 24/04/2025 00:42

Confusedsquirrel · 23/04/2025 23:13

Ahh, I know. It sounds so simple in theory and I wish it was, and I wish I didn’t care about the outcome as it’s my day and who gives a stuff. But I just know this will cause fallout and open cans of worms! 🤦‍♀️

It will open a bigger can of worms if you let your dad bring a partner but not your mum. He might not like being told the invitation is only for him, but he can’t complain he was singled out if you’re doing a blanket “no partners”.

MilitantFawcett · 24/04/2025 07:25

I sympathise, we had similar issues with our civil partnership. Whatever you do a can of worms will be opened so you might as well do what will make your day nicest.

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 07:37

Hi dad, I really want to avoid Mum's boyfriend coming because I can't stand them. You know I get on fine with your girlfriend but because of the way you met I know Mum would be very uncomfortable so for my wedding it's better to just have you and Mum there.

Jellybean23 · 24/04/2025 08:02

Great suggestions on how to respond. And really, what’s the worst thing that can happen if he doesn’t like it?

TorroFerney · 24/04/2025 08:34

Enough4me · 23/04/2025 23:18

Don't discuss just say how it is, try the broken record technique, "numbers are booked and we're keeping it small", on repeat as required. Change the subject to the weather, wedding flowers, got to go and make some calls.

Show quote history

Agree, you are thinking about what may happen rather than the message. You can’t control what he does so rip the plaster off and tell him, no apologies just facts. Up to him what he does with that.

TorroFerney · 24/04/2025 08:36

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 07:37

Hi dad, I really want to avoid Mum's boyfriend coming because I can't stand them. You know I get on fine with your girlfriend but because of the way you met I know Mum would be very uncomfortable so for my wedding it's better to just have you and Mum there.

No, don’t slag one parent off to the other, that will bite you in the bum, especially if either of them get drunk after the ceremony. Just facts , not invited what do you want to eat dad.

Foodframe · 24/04/2025 08:37

I think it's weird not to have invited long term partners, no matter how small the wedding is.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 24/04/2025 08:39

HopingForTheBest25 · 23/04/2025 23:23

I think so much depends on whether parents have been good to you and whether their partners have been a force for good in your life. If your dad has been a bit rubbish and his partner is just some woman you are civil to if your paths cross, then no, you don't owe her an invitation.
Personally, I don't think that your view of/relationship with your mum's partner, should have any bearing on what you do about your dad's partner - they are different people and dad's partner deserves to be treated as the individual she is!
I don't think there has to be parity just because they are the partners of your mum and dad.

I would be aware though, that if you don't make room for her, any recent improvement in relations will likely stall and so make a decision on whether you would actually like to get closer to her and your dad in future.

But ultimately it's your wedding and if you are only inviting mum and dad out of a sense of obligation, then that doesn't have to extend to their partners if you don't like them as people.

I think these would have all been valid considerations at the point invitations and numbers were first set. It's two weeks until the wedding now - the guest list is done! It is absolutely reasonable not to add on an extra person now.

myplace · 24/04/2025 08:40

I’m sure Jenny will understand it’s just parents, not partners, as it’s such a small gathering. Chicken or fish?

BMW6 · 24/04/2025 08:41

Well if your Dad throws a hissy fit and refuses to come without her it's not much of a loss is it, given his piss poor performance as a Dad so far!