How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

[Confusedsquirrel]

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

Tell him you're keeping the numbers really low and no other major guests are bringing their partners either. Tell him it's not personal, and that you'd like to have dinner with him and his partner another day after the wedding to celebrate.

Great response. Prioritise the relationships that are important/positive.

Just say no!
it will cause to many problems and things are already booked and paid for

But she is the woman OP’s father left her mother for. It must be hard enough for the OP’s mum to be stuck in an on/off cycle with a man who sounds abusive, and whom her daughter can’t bear to be near. How is she going to feel if to have it underlined so publicly? What’s OP going to say on the morning of the wedding? “Hi Mum - meet Pam! I know she was instrumental in the breakdown of your marriage, but I’d still rather have her here than the arsehole you’re saddled with!”?

It’s supposed to be OP and her fiancé’s special day. Why do anything to make the awkward part of it much more awkward?

There wasn’t a plus one discussion, I just invited him and not her 🤷‍♀️ to be honest, I didn’t even realise they were still together (if they even are? It’s a bizarre situation) as over the last couple of years he’s spoken about various women that he’s been seeing so I just assumed they were ‘off’

If he comes back with a reply to your message I would explain to him, exactly as you have to us…

’Thing is Dad, it makes it all really bloody awkward, I really like Jane and have no problems with her, but understandably I know Mum might have an issue with her being there. You must see that? Also I can’t bloody stand Alan, Mum’s bloke, and don’t want to invite him. If I invite Jane, Mum will get the hump because Alan isn’t invited. I just wanted things really small and civilised with no dramas. Can me and James take out you and Jane after the wedding as a thank you for paying and we can have a good catch up then? I’m sure Jane understands.’

Pretty sure it’s DP’s dad, not OP’s dad, who is paying.

If you don't hear from him soon, follow up with a reminder re menu choices AND offer some dates to take the pair of them out for lunch

He’s not put you first all these years so you don’t need to think about him now. It’s your day.

Surely if your dad had a problem with his partner not being invited then the time to raise that was when the invitations were issued, not two weeks before the actual wedding?

It's too late. Catering is sorted. He either comes alone or he doesn't come at all (only put it more nicely than that). No need to bend over backwards to appease him, he SHOULD HAVE SAID SOONER IF HE HAD AN ISSUE!

If he comes back to you asking again I would say “sorry Dad, I didn’t include plus ones for other you or Mum, and as I said, it’s a small do and numbers fixed. Did you decide what you would like to eat?”

Exactly!

You absolutely made the wisest choice there. It's not fair to invite one parent's partner and not the other parent's partner, when there are solid reasons to exclude both of them.

Also, as you say, the arrangements are made so it's too late anyway.

Please close the door on this mess. It's NOT a mess of your making. You're just left to deal with the fallout, which isn't fair either, by the way. Your father shouldn't even have asked. Self-centered to the end, huh? Actually, it sounds like it would be a relief if he stayed home anyway.

Enjoy YOUR day with YOUR fiance/husband. This marks a whole new chapter. Don't let your parents poor choices, or the logical and necessary follow-up to them, dim your joy. :)

It really depends on if it matters that much to you that he is there. If you aren't that fussed, hold your ground that numbers are set and all booked and paid for and he can either come alone or not. If it's going to stress you out or affect your day or it causes any drama then I'd say just pay for the extra meal and let her come.

We’re having a very small wedding and DPs Dad asked to bring his partner (who is a horrible, horrible woman) and we simply replied with “sorry, due to number restrictions the invite is for yourself only”.

Good for you! How was the reaction?

I said something similar to a parent when they asked if they could bring a 'friend' to my very small wedding and dinner. A 'friend' I didn't and still don't like. I made it very clear that it would not be happening and then talked about something else every time parent brought it up.

No intention of celebrating my day with someone I disliked or paying for the privilege.

YANBU. Don't invite her.

Particularly if she's the woman your father broke up your family for - it might be uncomfortable for your mother.

If it were me, under the circumstances you've outlined, I'd have very little time for the OW - just because she's with your father, doesn't mean she's part of your family, particularly given the situation you've told us.

And why are your parents not contributing to your wedding breakfast? That's particularly shabby of them both.

and my dad upped sticks and left us all for this woman when I was 13 and contributed no money/made no effort with us/made my mum’s life miserable after.

I wouldn't speak to a woman who'd been involved like this, and I'd suffer my father because he's my father, but nothing more than that.

How could your father possibly think this woman would be welcome? (OTOH, it's something my father wouldn't think about either - some men are just idiots).

Sorry, dad, too late.
Numbers have been finalised.
Let's get together at some point in the summer and celebrate with her.

First post nails it

He didn’t mention it again! We prepared a couple of long responses as to why but he never questioned it. Initially we were going to go with why and over explain ourselves but we decided just to be firm and that worked best. He followed up asking how to book the accommodation.

I would say no but also ask him which menu option he wants, giving him chance to change the subject.

Not if you just say No, numbers have been booked for ages and can't be changed. That is entirely reasonable. Anyway why fall over yourself for him when it is likely to be difficult for your DM to see OW there. As you father has been absent so long, I wouldn't give this another thought. Just say No, close family only. He can take it or leave it.

he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem?

He's literally asking if it's a problem, so you can reply that yes (for whatever real or made up reason) but you could soften it by arranging a dinner with him and her at a later date.

Just say ‘sorry the numbers are really right and mum is not bringing anyone either, I hope you understand. We just want a very very small personal wedding with just immediate family, thanks dad’