How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

[Confusedsquirrel]

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

Be interesting if he replies to your message. Page hadnt refreshed when I replied

i dont get it, if you allow her to come, then don't tell your mum and if she speaks to you about it, be honest to your mum 'your P is awful, there is no way on earth you would have him there for anything' Tough tits if she doesn't like it.

I would let her come because she isn't an arsehole.

It may well do but it is totally unreasonable regardless of the scenario to ask once it’s all finalised

I would guess your dad has form for this - he’s setting himself up by his own behaviour and subsequent drama if he doesn’t get his own way by asking after you’ve finalised everything - he’s actually making your wedding about him rather than you

if this is what is going on then don’t play the game, stick to your plans and enjoy your day!

chances are he’d make a drama about something else soon enough - not your problem!

Op you’ve done the right thing. I was engaged for years because my parents hated each other - even though they had divorced 20 years earlier and had new partners (who I didn’t particularly get on with!)

I ended up by not inviting one parent. We don’t have a great relationship now but then we didn’t before so I didn’t feel I’d lost anything. It taught me to focus on my small nuclear unit and to not make any of the mistakes my parents had made with me.

Just say “sorry but numbers are limited and guests list has been finalised. As I’m not footing the bill for the dinner, it’s not really my place to add on extra guests at such a late stage, maybe we can go out for our own celebratory dinner some time soon?” That way it comes across as you not NOT wanting his partner there but it’s not your call and then the suggestion for a dinner in the future puts to bed any thoughts your dad may have of you not wanting his partner around? Failing which just say no not possible 🤷🏻‍♀️😆

Can you try talking to his partner?

I think what you've done is quite right. In your situation I'd try not to go into specifics if the discussion continues, ie we want to keep numbers small. No offence intended to anyone whatsoever, this is just what works for us and what we've organised.

I agree

your wedding seems particularly important to not let these bad dysfunctional relationships play out - keep them away and go forward in how you. Intend to live

No not this - it’s a complete game

you need boundaries not game playing

How did it get all the way to menu choices before plus ones were discussed?

Sorry dad, we’ve finalised numbers but we’d love you both to come for brunch on the Sunday.

I personally think he's lucky to be invited himself never mind having a plus one 🤣 it's your day and they need to realise this and not cause yet another drama in your life. He left your mum for this woman, surely her and your mum in the same room is just awkward and not needed at your special day! Plus his partner and your mum's are on and off partner's! I'd say blanket ban, sorry dad, small wedding and numbers already finalised, what's your menu choices? Let him kick off, he'd have a cheek in my opinion 🤣 (coming from a family where there has been other women, new marriages and kids and then all having to be in the one room etc) 🤣🤣

I agree just say no but I actually think it’s fine to say you don’t want partners and are purposely keeping it small. Otherwise you open the floodgates for him to suggest he pays for her, then your mum brings her partner etc etc.

Just be more straight to the point and say no partners.

It’s understandable why you might not want them at such a small wedding. The partners are adults and can find something else to do for one day that is important to you. They are part of your parents lives but not yours. You’re entitled to one day with your own parent without them tagging along surely?

You feeling guilty only shows that you are a better person than him. But try and suppress it, there is no need you don't owe either of them anything. You do owe your future husband and yourself a peaceful and wonderful day focused on you as a couple though, that is your priority.

I hope he replies graciously, but if not it's ok to stand firm and not get drawn in to the drama. x

A simple “no sorry, our numbers are set” is enough. Do not elaborate, don’t get into any “mums partner” conversation, don’t let him offer to pay for her place. Do not be trying to make amends with his partner, you’ve got enough to do in the weeks leading up to your wedding. Your day, do whatever you need to make it happy for you.
He needs to live with the consequences of his actions, and this is exactly what this is.

It's TWO WEEKS ahead of time. Anyone who has ever been to a wedding knows that's far too late to be adding people in, esp when the guest list is less than 20.

Just tell him the time to ask was X months ago, and no she cannot be accommodated now.

You can always offer to go out with them both soon.

Telling your father that no other partners of parents are coming either might make him accept it better.

This is perfect.

You could add that your mum is coming and you have not invited her partner either, so you would then be in a very awkward position of having to revisit the whole guest list. And as said the tables are booked and paid for by someone else which is going to be difficult or impossible to start changing now. Sorry dad.

Now I’ve two answers based on different circumstances. My own circumstance’s and upbringing, my parents are together my husbands are not so i personally would automatically invited parents other halves it wouldn’t enter my head not too HOWEVER my 5 eldest children with my ex husband left 5 years ago under terrible circumstances of lies and betrayal and is now married to his (when we were married his girlfriend 🙈). He caused a lot of hurt to our children, and has constantly chosen his now wife over his children especially in terms of his now wife’s treatment towards the children. They are all in their teens and late teens now and inevitably I’m sure there will be weddings in the future so they will I’m sure be in similar situations. I personally would never tell our children who they should invite and should not, (although none like their step mum so I imagine she would only get an invite by proxy) but what I will say is you shouldn’t invite anyone you do not want there to protect someone else’s feelings and you shouldn’t NOT invite anyone who you have a good relationship to safe another’s feelings as in your mum and her partner you don’t want there. It’s your day no one else’s it’s really that simple. Xx

It always amazes me that these additional ‘guests’ are happy to go to an event where they know they are not wanted.

That makes me nervous. These unwanted guests clearly enjoy the drama and aren’t going to be easy guests. The attitude of ‘I am entitled to be here’.

Don't invite her. If your dad throws a hissy fit and refuses to come, surely it wouldn't be a great loss. He sounds as though he was a pretty horrible dad and he is lucky that you have invited him. His partner was the OW so don't feel that you owe him or her anything.

Don't say "numbers are tight" or "we are keeping it small", why on earth would you say this, it suggests you have a choice, and it isn't true.

Say it's booked and you can't change the numbers. That's the truth. If you like, say if someone drops out you might be able to fit her in.

Why, does she own the restaurant? Can she change the booking? If not, why on earth talk to her? It's booked for x number and it's too late to change. End of story.

She is an arsehole though. She was the other woman that her dad left her mum for and then contibuted nothing for his kids. Obviously, her dad is the real villain of the piece but she doesn't sound great.