How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

[Confusedsquirrel]

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

In light of this and your PP about them being "on and off" I don't understand why people keep calling her a "long term partner" ... sounds more like a f**k buddy to me?

Anyway I admire your thought process and can only suggest sticking to your guns

Sorry, this was the post I was referring to in my PP ...

😂 I love this.

the dad had behaved abhorrently - walked out on his family. Shirked financial and emotional paternal responsibilities. His girlfriend was the other woman, who has been complicit in his shocking behaviour and has a tumultuous on and off again relationship with the deadbeat dad.

yet, it is OP whose behaviour is called out.

What’s more important? The one day or a life time of rift with your dad/mum and they’re partners? Are you ever going to need the help of ‘grandparents’ one day?

Nope sorry numbers are arranged already. If he complains or upsets you about it he gets uninvited too. A shit relationship with a parent is worse than none at all.

Just say sorry dad all booked and cannot amend booking. Tell him it is too last moment. He should have mentioned partner when he got the invite.

As OP's dad had an affair and walked out on his family, after which he never contributed financially at all, I hardly think that he would be the sort of hands-on grandparent that would help with OP's children, if he never bothered with his own. His current partner was the woman that he left OP's mum and his children for.

Best answer

@Confusedsquirrel why do you want him there at all?

He sounds like he’s been a shitty father. If he decided not to attend I’d take it as a win 🤷🏾‍♀️

Hi dad, sorry numbers are tight with the venue. If I add a plus one for you I then need to for all parents, that's an extra 4. Hope you understand. Be lovely to see you.

Thank you, my thoughts exactly. There isn’t any part of me that can imagine him helping me with anything at all, so that’s kind of it factored into my choice anyway. He’s not helped me with anything since the day he left, so I definitely can’t imagine him being grandad of the year all of a sudden.

The other thing is that my parents live 3.5 hours away anyway, so the likelihood of me dealing with any of these repercussions is pretty slim! As for my mum’s partner, she knows very well how I feel about him and thankfully hasn’t/wouldn’t even dream of raising that topic so that’s good

No your Dad can't bring the other woman, your Mum will be upset, the meal has been paid for by your fiancé's Dad so it's all sorted for the small wedding that you wanted.

Ha, true. It’s difficult with families though isn’t it, in an ideal world it’d just be simple choices but in reality it’s all a bit trickier! He hasn’t replied to my message though and nor has he given me his menu choices, so I think it’s likely he probably won’t come…

Be prepared for your father not to attend your wedding. That's what happened to me. I'm very stubborn and stuck to my original plan. Even after they got married 2 months before my wedding. He then would not attend without his wife.
I think you stick to your original numbers or it will get out of hand.
I hope you have a wonderful day and a happy life together.

@Confusedsquirrel

threads like this make me wonder if there’s something missing inside me. I wouldn’t want to know a father who left me and didn’t support me. I don’t get the angst trying to keep someone happy who clearly didn’t give a fuck about me.

It sounds like you’ve been dealt a shitty hand where parents are concerned.

Have a lovely wedding whatever you decide.

Ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you had a nice wedding day regardless of his attitude towards it all!

Yeah, I see where you’re coming from. We didn’t have any relationship for a long while but I suppose for me anyway, it’s been a very long and complex journey to arrive at some kind of ‘peace’ about the whole situation. These situations stick with you for life unfortunately, they shape you in so many ways.

But thank you for your wishes, I really hope we have a nice day too regardless of all this shit!

I absolutely did. Thank you

@Confusedsquirrel just to be clear, I do come from a place of some degree of understanding - my dad fucked off before I was born. I’ve never met him. No desire to. He’s an arsehole.

Creating a child and abandoning them is abhorrent. It’s the mark of a weak character and not a person I am interested in knowing.

Perfect

Hi.

Just jumping in here having read your posts about your relationship with your dad. Have you had any counselling about the relationship with your dad?

My dad left us when I was a toddler.
He'd already adopted my brother and didn't want anymore kids. My mum had me and he left soon after.
Your situation is probably not like mine.
I had some mental issues late 90's around the men in my life; the partners I'd chosen, the relationship with my brother and father (I met my dad when I was 16).
They partners were all takers and leavers . My brother is a decade older than me so I was like an only child growing up. Dad fucked off.
Anyway after therapy I learned it wasn't me. It would have been any child.
Counselling has helped me massively throughout my life. Maybe it could help you, after the wedding and all the fun.

Even now, my dad and I don't speak often. I usually initiate the contact.
He's got some skin cancer on his face. He doesn't let me go with him to any appointments.
He's French. Different kettle of fish I tell ya.

But therapy is good!

Good luck and whatever happens I hope your wedding day goes smoothly and you can enjoy the day with your husband ❤️✨

Very entitled behaviour from your father, @Confusedsquirrel . If he hasn't given you his food choices, then it looks like the trash took itself out. I hope you have a fantastic wedding day.

Your dad is paying for the meal. Of course he can invite his long term partner. Don't tell your mum and her shitty on off partner. They'll be enough people there she knows.

Her partners dad is paying, not the ops dad.