How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

[Confusedsquirrel]

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

So if you knew they were together would she has been invited ?

You’d rather upset yourself and cause your self stress and hassle on your wedding day rather than say no to your dad who’s asking a last minute request 14 days before you get married.

You’ve mentioned before your dad hasn’t been the best so don’t bend over backwards for him

You know the answer to your AIBU before you posted, you know what people were going to say.

You have 2 choices, say no sorry numbers are full. Or you break yourself trying to accommodate a woman you don’t even want there

It abslutely bemuses me why some people would rather come out with stuff about keep it small and justifying who is and isn't invited which simply makes it look like you are making a choice to exclude her. Just tell the truth. It's too late now, sorry. It's out of your hands entirely so there's nothing to justify or argue about. Not your decision, not your choice.

This is far too long. OP has no reason to justify herself to a shit man. He can be told 'no.' and doesn't deserve one moment of thought.

I paid for half my DD's wedding and had ZERO say on who was invited. I really wanted her to invite 2 of my godchildren, whose parents would be there, and I got a flat "No, it's my wedding my choice". She also excluded my long term DH from the people who had button holes, even though he has been her step dad since she was 9. Not impressed. Did I make a fuss? No.

He IS NOT paying, the groom's father is paying.

I doubt Op's partner is paying a bean, given that he didn't pay child support.

its great you didn’t comment. These people are clearly important to you but not to your daughter. And that’s okay.

either way step families there is a very strong trend that the husband and wife want everyone to embrace their new spouse with open arms and love them as much as they do. That is not always the case. Your daughter clearly sees this man as your husband rather than a parental or family member to her. And that’s okay.

I'm Team 'We deliberately kept the wedding small, so no, sorry' on repeat. But I also totally get your concerns about the fallout.

Me and DH are both children of broken/blended families, and have previous marriages ourselves. So the choice was, invite everyone or no-one. And for us it was a no-brainer to have the smallest wedding possible, even tho it meant marking the occasion without the people we love most.

Those people got it, of course. Predictably, the ones who didn't and made a big deal of being 'snubbed', were the very people who've caused us most grief in our lives.

The same thing may happen to you @Confusedsquirrel- and yeah, one relative may have cut us out of their will 😅 - but I wouldn't change a thing. It was great not to have the stress of a big event. It could hail and thunder as far as we were concerned; plus we didn't wake the next day to a hangover and bankruptcy. Perhaps because of that we ended up having a really magical day.

Congratulations on your wedding and very best wishes for your future together!

Good call. And if he only deigns to show his face about once a year, any fallout probably won't be that big a deal either.

My mum can’t afford to contribute in that way, doesn’t have the money. As for my dad not contributing, well… He hasn’t helped with anything for most of my life, so I can’t imagine he’s going to stump up now! 😆

I know how you feel but it’s what happens in families, unfortunately. Having been brought up having to consider others, always ignoring my feelings all my life, (I’m 79) I made very sure that my daughters followed their own path and did not get bullied by family into situations they did not want.

I thought people had moved on from expecting the brides parents to pay for the wedding/part of the wedding?

We were lucky that both sets of parents contributed in some way but I'd never have expected it and if they didn't offer I wouldn't have asked.

If you choose to get married it shouldn't be on the parents to pay/potentially get onto debt.

Anyway, OP, I agree with others. Just tell him things are finalised and the invite was only for him. You only get one wedding (in most cases 😂) and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable and have an awkward atmosphere on one of the happiest days of your life. It's about you and your husband to be, if he doesn't like what you tell him then he doesn't need to be there and frankly I question if he deserves to be there at all. He only contributed to half of you, he walked out on you and from what you said has barely been present. Having the title of dad means nothing in this kind of situation imo 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I thought people had moved on from expecting the bride's parents to pay for the wedding/part of the wedding?

Well, yes, generally. But in @Confusedsquirrel 's case, where her husband-to-be's parents are paying, it might be expected that the bride's parents might also contribute.

Why? Surely we’re all aware that everyone’s financial situations are different?

My future in laws are paying for our venue, food and drinks, but my mum hasn’t been able to contribute anything like what they have and I’d be seriously disappointed in them if they expected her to just because they are. The only people who should actually be expected to pay anything is the bride and groom.

Nooooo!
Mum is coming on her own too.

It's a tricky one. Attending a wedding meal alone is awkward. Personally, I would invite your dad's partner just to keep him company on the day but that's just me. Entirely your day OP.

OP, I think it is really unfair of you dad to put you in this position just before your wedding. Honestly, both parents are really lucky to be invited, given the circumstances. You would be within your rights to be furious with him.
Stick to your guns. Do not be manipulated. If he can’t understand why the on-off girlfriend he split up his family for isn’t invited to the wedding of the daughter he has contributed nothing too, then he has the emotional intelligence of a slow worm.
Start your married life the way you mean to continue. Put your husband’s and your happiness first on your wedding day. Your father needs to reflect on his behaviour towards you. Perhaps, this will be the catalyst he needs to do so. Have a great wedding. Let nothing derail it on the day. Appoint a close friend/ sibling/ relative you trust to intervene if anyone kicks off.

Hey op you have done the right thing and if your dad doesn’t like it tough. He hasn’t really been a good dad but now your an adult he thinks it’s to make a decision about your special day and it would be awful for your mum watching them together.

Seeing as OP has said this about her dad and his partner:

'my dad upped sticks and left us all for this woman when I was 13 and contributed no money/made no effort with us/made my mum’s life miserable after.'

I certainly wouldn't worry about him attending a wedding meal alone after what he has done.

« I am sorry, numbers are finalised »…

… but then he pays so he may feel like he can. Just tell him you can pay it directly if it causes any issue for him to pay and then not having her around…

I think you're being unreasonable to invite him without his partner of 20 years.

If he's not been a good dad and you don't want him there, don't invite him, but inviting him without his long term partner is insulting.

“Insulting”? It his on/off partner that he left his family for. Even they can’t figure out if they wants to actually be together, so why would Op want this woman at her very small and intimate wedding?

If it was an issue he should have raised it when invitations went out, not this late in the day. Perfectly reasonable to respond as you did Op.

“Sorry Dad, the venue needed numbera for catering a few weeks ago, so everything is already finalised. After the meal we would love it if x could stop by, but I’m sorry we can’t extend the invitation to them for the ceremony and wedding breakfast”

I think, if your dad comes back with even a slightly grumpy/negative reply I’d say “we just want to keep numbers small so we’re not creating a huge bill for my amazing future father in law who has so generously offered to pay for the meal for us”.

Wow. Your poor dh