How to handle dad’s wedding guest suggestion?

[Confusedsquirrel]

Hi,

Quite a complex family tale so I’ll try to keep it short.

I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a small wedding, 18 guests in total including my baby. Just having a small registry office ceremony followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. All has been booked for a while, numbers finalised, my partner’s dad is paying for the meal, all sorted basically.

My mum and dad are divorced and split when I was 13 (32 now), as are my partner’s parents. My mum is, I think, still in a strange on/off relationship with a horrible man who I don’t see or get on with for many reasons. Basically, we don’t speak of him and it’s like he doesn’t exist, but we get on ok otherwise. Appreciate that sounds odd but that’s just how it is. Bottom line - her partner isn’t invited.

As for my dad… He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. He is still in an on/off relationship with the woman he left my mum for. I get on ok with her if I ever see her. Since having a baby last year, we’ve kept in touch slightly more and I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

Anyway, messaged him tonight asking for his menu choices (needs to be preordered) and he replied saying he’d like his partner to come and would that be a problem? Whilst I don’t actually mind his partner, this is indeed a problem for me because the numbers etc are already finalised and I just feel it would be bloody awkward. Plus I don’t want to open the floodgates for my mum to start chiming in about her partner. The whole request just seems bizarre.

AIBU to not want his partner there or should I try to make an effort to accommodate her? How would you feel?

Yeah, I can see people might find that strange at first glance if they don’t know the backstory (which would be far too long to type on Mumsnet!), but trust me when I say it’s not strange. My mum’s possible still on/off ‘partner’ was very abusive (whole other story in itself) and my dad upped sticks and left us all for this woman when I was 13 and contributed no money/made no effort with us/made my mum’s life miserable after. So lots of reasons for high tension if either partner comes!

I totally get you, I have a similar family and ended up not inviting anyone for my wedding, as just my parents and partners would have meant inviting 6 people, one of which I couldn't stand (my ex stepfather is very much a parent to me, and his new partner is lovely, so I wouldn't have wanted to exclude her).

I have learnt over many decades to set my boundaries and refuse to engage in any fallout. Keep the statements of boundaries light unless absolutely necessary (by which I mean the tone in which you deliver them, not the statements themselves) but absolutely refuse to budge. Take distance if drama occurs.

With this philosophy I am now the only person in my family who has no dramas with anyone at all. I relate on my terms to those who would like to, and shrug and take distance from those who aren't willing to accept them. Life is infinitely better.

Very true, there always seems to be sticky situations when it comes to weddings. Families eh?! Hope your ceremony worked out nicely!

Sorry Dad, the numbers are already confirmed and very small. We didn't have space for either of my parents' partners. Maybe we could get together for a nice meal in the weeks after the wedding?

Do your OH's parents have partners and if so, are they invited?

Tell him no its all arranged. If he doesn't come it's not your problem.

Further to the good advice you have received above…

your parents both clearly have a history of very disfunctional relationship patterns. I think it’s a really positive step to set a polite, reasonable boundary here - it sets your own relationship / marriage off on a really intentionally different footing to your parents.

You got this!

Ugh, sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you can be polite but hold firm, and if you feel guilty remember that he doesn't feel guilty enough about uprooting his young family's lives then largely opting out of the fallout to stop him putting you in this position now. So "match his energy".

"Hi Dad. Numbers are small and fixed and it's all paid for and done so we can't add anyone else. I look forward to seeing you at the wedding and hopefully catching up with you and GF soon after. Let me know your meal choice by Xdate. Op x"

Thanks! That’s a good way to think about things

Love this! I have sent him a message this morning with words to that effect. He’s read it and not replied, so who knows. If only I could just suppress these stupid guilty feelings because like you say, he’s never felt guilty for anything he’s done!

Considering your situation, I think its fine to just tell your Dad sorry but no.
If he then says he isn't going to come, it doesn't sound like it would be a massive problem for you not to have him there.
It's your day and you are entitled to not want to deal with the awkwardness

ugh unfortunately I get exactly how you feel…similar toxic relationship between my parents and similar issues came up when I got married. Stick to your guns. Try not feel guilty. I am seeing a counsellor over boundary issues with my parents from years of toxic behaviour…

I think the gist of the message you sent is perfectly reasonable. If he’d been more present and supportive of you while you were growing up then I might think differently but he hasn’t and this avoids awkwardness re your mum’s partner too.
Good luck with your wedding!

Good luck with the message weddings are always a very emotional time even when it's all going well. Why did he leave it to now instead of when the invitation went out if he's that bothered? Oh I know... he's not just a shit dad, he's shit to everyone including his on/off partner.

Remember this if he gets argumentative so you can tell him not to come at all:
He’s been a shit dad really and made no effort over the years. I see him maybe once a year. I invited him to the wedding because he’s my dad and I felt I should.

It's a massive cheek of your dad to ask this. He's lucky he's invited himself. You've done the right thing. Any backlash and just say 'best for both of us if you don't come then'.

He should be happy to come on his own for you but I suspect I know what he is thinking. He wants her there as backup as he feels guilty about what he did and he is too chicken to come on his own.

Why? Your mum isn’t getting plus one either?

Your circus, your monkeys.

If you don’t want her there then she can’t come. It may be your dad then refuses to come (if he’s a useless dad who always put himself first that’s highly likely). Would you be ok with that? It’s your wedding day, will you want to spend it facilitating grown adults who can’t behave and put you first for what, 3 hours?

When we got married, we told FIL his partner (horrible OW) wouldn’t be coming (too much history, he’d been a useless dad, OW hated MIL etc) but he was welcome to come which he understood and agreed to. He then anted us to invite OW as a courtesy. The 3 of us had a whole conversation about how it wasn’t what we wanted to do (as it was batshit!) but would do as he’d requested it, but it was on the understanding that she wasn’t to attend. He agreed to that and said thank you. Invitation was sent. He accepted for both of them. We said she wasn’t coming at which point he got all dramatic and said he couldn’t possibly come, how could we be so cruel. He sent a card to be read at the wedding that just said “Congratulations. Sorry I couldn’t be there with you”. Luckily the best man knew the history and didn’t read it out.

Have a day off from the drama and don’t let her come.

On reading this I can see why this would also be seen as a slight to your Mum. She raised you and he had no input after 13. I'm actually wondering why you would inflict this on your mum.

This.

“At this point, it is a problem because we can’t add another person at the venue. If someone else has to pull out, we’d be very happy to add her and I’ll let you know.”

Both of your parents are in on/off relationships so even if you really liked the partners, it would be difficult to tell if either of them would be on or off at the time of your celebration meal. For that reason, I wouldn’t invite and wouldn’t include your dad’s partner.

Also, if your partners father is paying for the meal, it’s an easy get-out with your dad to respond …. My partner’s father is actually kindly hosting the celebration meal, and the limited numbers which we happily settled with weeks ago can not be changed. Thanks for your understanding.

I like the idea of you setting your boundaries. I hope you have a lovely day and can think - 'that isn't going to be me in the future' - as you seen to be starting off on a good footing with your partner!

Ironically, I am also 32, have an identical family set up, had a very similar wedding format and had the same questions 3 months ago (down to not inviting my mother's on/off guy)!

My dad is also a bit shit and not involved. I opted to let his partner come. The reason was, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to build bridges for the sake of my children. I knew if I didn't invite his partner it would be viewed as a slight, and like you, I don't have a problem with her in principle.

Truthfully, the only reason it would be awkward is if your parents make it so. I spent a couple months prepping my whole bio family to see one another again and made sure they were all OK with the invitees. I gave my mum a special role in the wedding to support the fact she was partnerless. I sat them apart from one another.

Talk to your mum first and find out how she would feel. If she says NO WAY, then you have to choose whether to upset your mum or accept that your dad may not come (mine wouldnt have). Adding another seat in a restaurant is not a biggie so don't get wrapped up in the logistics. Good luck!

Just say no due to small numbers and food /places all arranged