Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Many people have to compromise when living with shift workers. I'm guessing his salary is some consolation.

Do not move to the ME, if you're unhappy here you'll be absolutely miserable there.

I know you say money is tight as you have such a massive mortgage but even so there must be some spare for a cleaner once a week, a creche, a childminder.

Stop blaming your husband for being bored at home with a young baby and just get out and meet other people in the same position for coffee. Then get back to work asap.

Fuck, no. Not Dubai. Could you work out there? You might end up even more stuck in a life not of your own. Servants, but a culture that is restrictive on women and freedom and rights. Miles away from family and friends.

The first year after having a baby is so disruptive, it's not a good basis for making major life decisions.
Focus on improving daily life right now. Make friends with other new mums. Find a trustworthy sitter so you can get back to the gym and go on some date nights. Plan ahead with your DH on his days off, for family outings and a bit of daddy and baby time so you have time to yourself.

Don't isolate yourself in Dubai with baby blues. My idea of hell on earth.

I’m with those saying wait until maternity leave is over.

Right now your home and alone because of Dh schedule. Lots of people are partners of shift workers and find the change difficult.

When you are back at work and have childcare you can look at joining a gym, meeting others for nights out etc. Maybe look at a nanny for more flexible childcare hours.

I wouldn’t be making any decisions to split right now as this isn’t how your life will remain.

But I wouldn’t be moving to Dubai either!

That's what I was going to say. Being a pilot, I doubt he would have 50% childcare. What's likely to happen is he would move to Dubai.
I wouldn't move t Fubai either, if you hate it, he will be able to stop you from.leaving with your (and hid) child.
Go back to work as soon as you feel you want to, and put a routine together. Then figure out what you want.

It’s been said a million times, but I’ll repeat: don’t move to Dubai. I’ve seen far too many expat wives in horrific situations because they’re stuck in marriages abroad. Loneliness takes on an entire new level when you’re a foreigner.

Look at getting back to work. Assume you’re divorced and you’ll have that majority of childcare, because that’s what usually happens with jobs like his. Work on building your life to something you’re comfortable with, THEN decide about divorce. Right now you feel backed into a corner really because you are. Back yourself out, build yourself up and then from a position of strength, decide.

Have you looked at gyms with childcare? Or ones you can take the baby too. I think what your feeling is fairly normal but really tough. It will get better.

Sorry edited as quoted you by accident!

Leave if you want But he won't go 50/50 and you'll still have to do everything...

It sounds like you don't actually love him if wanting to do it all completely alone ...

do NOT move to Middle East or Dubai.

Is it Emirates where he got the job offer for? If so, the housing for the pilots is amazing. They used to be given 5 bedroom villas on a complex. Think they also had the option for live out allowance.
Salary is also very good compared to other airlines (First officer used to be around 50k AED monthly salary).

However, proceed with caution. Firstly, he can travel ban the children very easily. Happened to my friend who is now stuck there until her child turns 18. I’m not sure if the laws changed recently for non-Muslim men but it’s definitley still the case for Muslim men. As soon as I fell pregnant, I moved back to UK. They also do not take DV seriously over there.

Secondly , in that airline you do get a lot of young woman normally from certain countries throw themselves at married pilots. I used to see it happen often on layovers. Of course, not all of them but it was common.

Yes its all lovely and glossy with cheap maids etc.

Unless you want to leave and then things become complicated.

OP I may be off base but it sounds to me like your husband is an OK, somewhat ordinarily selfish person who sees his previously independent fun wife turn into a miserable and demanding presence who seems to derive no joy from the baby he is besotted with. (And yes, that shows a lack of empathy on his part of course but he wouldbt be the first). The Dubai move is a panic response to this which attempts to 'solve' this problem in somewhat typical male fashion. It's the wrong response obviously but I think it shows he does actually care and is amenable to working with you to make like easier for you. But the reality is that being a parent simply IS a world shaking adjustment even in the easiest of circumstances. Your circumstances are trickier than many but in even a years time, things could look much more stable with you back at work, better adljusted and with more money to do things for yourself, pay for support etc. You've had amazing advice here and mostly I would say hang on in there. Your husband may in the longer term indeed turn out to be a selfish unsupportive prick but even in your current state of mind, that's not the vibe I'm getting.

Soon baby will go to nursery, preschool and then school-things will be different then. Hang in there

DH was in the navy when DS1 was born. In some ways it’s similar…. He was more married to the navy than me. I was stuck at home with a baby and bored. And slightly resentful. As with many forces families, I got on with my life. I was a SAHM for 3 years (went back to work ft post DS2). I decided to go and visit friends…. Off I went to Yorkshire, Norfolk etc. it was great. I then went away with my Dad and baby to visit his sister who lived abroad. I went to visit DH (with baby) in GiB and the Far East.

OP don’t contemplate divorce, concentrate on you and recovering fully from PPND. If getting a job and going back to work at the right time will help - do it. Get your own routine and DH can slot in. That can also have its challenges when they come back home and try and change things…. But it’s not something to worry about now.

If I were you I might consider Dubai for a set period, but clearly you don’t want that. So start getting yourself organised the way you want things to work. Take control.

Another thing OP, most of the flight departures in Dubai are midnight-6am and you need to be at the HQ 2 hours before. Lots of ULR flights too which can be up to 17 1/2 hours long. Also long layovers and pilots can be rostered cargo multi-sector flights where he could be away for weeks at a time.

Realistically, he will need to sleep during the daytime the day before any flight and probably will do once he returns. He won’t be able to help with dc. That’s another reason why I left as I used to be deliriously tired and no way could I have cared for a baby on my days off.

I think it's not a good time to make a decision about divorce or the ME - you sound like you are still adjusting to motherhood - which can be a real hard slog, especially in the beginning.
I think you'd be better to go back to work - get a nanny at home - even if you are just breaking even - getting you back again is what you need - not losing yourself further by becoming a SAHP. I was a SAHM to twins - and I remember how hard those early days were - dh worked long hours and I felt so lonely and quite miserable - but it got better.

As someone who grew up with a parent as crew I have somewhat of an understanding of the dynamic at home.

I also have three small children (all under 4) and when I had my first I felt very similarly to you in terms of loneliness and being a slave to the baby - the thing that fixed it was going back to work. I’m assuming that if your baby is 6 months that your mat pay is not either very low or non existent. Speak to your work about maybe going back part time for the next 6 months and put the baby into nursery or whatever childcare arrangement you want. This will give you a huge mental break from the relentlessness of being a parent to a small baby. Then I would look at your husbands roster at the beginning of every month and plan out with him exactly when you are going to do things like make time go to the gym or go out for dinner/lunch with friends but also plan date nights etc with him too. It sounds like romantically there is a lot a big disconnect atm and scheduling in quality time together just the two of you is also really important.

I went back to work (part time) after having my second when they were 6 months old because I knew from the previous baby that I didn’t want to be stuck at home all the time bored out of my mind and it made a really big difference to my mental health the second time around.

You are under the care of a psychiatrist, it’s not easy getting to see one as MH services are so stretched plus your baby is 6 months old. You are not in a healthy place to make any major life decisions at all at the moment.

If you’re seeing a psychiatrist not a psychologist (because so many people seem to confuse the two I feel I have to be clear) then you shouldn’t be making any sort of life-changing decisions IMO. That includes Dubai or divorce.

You should wait until MATL is over and then decide what to do

Why is it all meant to revolve around the man? Did HE not know that when you have a baby, you have to be a fucking parent? Why is all sacrifice on the woman? Very misogynistic attitude you have, where women have to be responsible for their choices, but men don't. She wants to take the dog for a walk on her own FFS, not go out clubbing until 5am, of course he can parent their child alone for 30 minutes.

Please don't move OP, your husband is selfish, your marriage is rocky and you're not in a good place. You could end up isolated in a country you hate, where you've given up rights (which men seem to think is no big deal for women to do), and you could end up trapped there if you split.

It seems a big jump straight to divorce. Agree with pp continue your treatment before making any decisions.

Honestly, my baby blues probably weren't fully resolved until my child was about 5 years old, so please don't underestimate how much of a strain having a baby is on your mind or body.

Take divorce off the table. You got married to promise stability during unstable times.

You do need to build a life that demands up on its own though - not just you, we all do. I made mum friends at groups and we got into a routine of seeing eachother most days and it was like building a new family. There is nothing like the baby years for making new friends and bonding. You need those friendships.

Going back to work will help loads. I took a year off and I spent the last 12 weeks dreading going back but honestly it felt like a holiday! It will be hard going back in other ways, but my point is that you will be in a different space in 12 months.

I think you need to commit to rebuilding your life e.g. replacing gym with baby meets etc to get back to where you were.

Dubai should absolutely not be on the cards at the moment. That's a very clear red line and a firm conversation to have.

And dh needs to be besotted woth his baby and wife and look after you while you're fragile, because you are. There is absolutely no reason you can't go out for a few hours without the baby on his daymoff while he's awake. Some men don't seem to realise that having a baby means there are no days off in the old sense where you get to laze around all day with no responsibilities..it's a short period of life and he needs to recognise the need to pivot to support his family for a few years with more than a paycheck.

I think the vast majority of this is your PPD and adjusting to life with a baby. You can’t make any decisions when your baby is 6 months old, it’s ridiculous.
Of course he goes to bed early when he’s on shift early, eating dinner at 4:45 occasionally is hardly such a big strain on your life.
You need to work hard for shift work to work around family life, presumably the big upside to his shifts is the pay.
You can still do things on your own schedule around his, you don’t have to go to bed early because he needs to. Try to look at the back to back days off he has as a benefit to shift work.

That seems reasonable. I wouldn't want to be on a flight where the pilot hasn't slept tbh.

I think you are making the assumption if you separate he will be forced to see how difficult it is with a baby.....the sad reality is he won't he cant be forced to parent - his life will continue with access around his shifts.

Maternity leave can be a hard slog can you put baby in nursery a day a week to give yourself time to do your own thing? If sounds like you are very much still adjusting to baby and the limitations on your time/freedom I wouldn't rush to make any decisions while you are on mat leave