Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

OP does your dh fly long haul or short haul? I don’t think you’ve said who he flies for but some airlines are much better than others for this sort of thing. If he’s doing short haul, and made the move to long haul, he’d only have to fly around 4x per month. If he wants to stay doing short haul, Ryanair operate a 5 on, 4 off shift pattern. The money isn’t as good as other airlines but if you have a professional job with a decent income then having the certainty of a fixed roster would be ideal and allow you to work around each other more. Changing airline in this country seems like a much less draconian step than moving half way across the world!

It will pass OP, it's the baby blues as you say and the loss of your old self playing a part too.

Lots of people have partners who do shifts or work away for long periods.

Sorry you're feeling low and unheard, but hang tight.

BFF is in a similar situation but things have eased now that her two boys are older.

Do you still love your husband? Or has the resentment killed the love, if he were to support you do you think it would come back?

First off couples counselling. Give him a chance to really listen to you, for you to really explore your feelings and see if you can help one another back to a supportive loving marriage.

If that fails divorce.

Your DH presumably earns well and declares earnings so you should get a fair entitlement. If he cannot have regular contact due to his shifts and you become resident parent all week you should get a decent amount of financial support.

You say you can support yourself if back in work in a professional job, so with the financial support from ex DH you should be able to arrange childcare for YOUR routine. It wont be eaiser, but you will loose the resentment and feeling of lack of control of your own life so it may well feel easier.

We lived in a community in AD with a lot of pilots and saw more at school. I was surprised how moderate their life styles were. Ok, they might have a maid/nanny, as did a lot of people, and they had cheap travel, but they weren't living it up. I might be wrong but I get the impression your husband has a very rosy view.

You would have to make your own entertainment with a baby, and if you've been unwell, please check the medical insurance very carefully.

We had a great time, and I would recommend living abroad to anyone who is keen, but you don't seem on board at this stage so I wouldn't say it's the solution.

Hey @Klaudea. I’m also married to a pilot so I do understand the world you live in. It’s very different to how a lot of my friends live.

Can you say if your DH is a FO or Captain? And what airline he works for? What airport is he based at?

In the time I’ve been with DH he’s worked for a couple of different airlines and moved from FO to a line training captain. There’s a big difference between different pilot gigs and you might be able to improve life without doing anything too crazy!

My DH moved to a different airline and we moved cities (in the UK) a few years ago and he went from being exhausted and burnt out to having a great work/life balance.

Yes if he’s working early he does need to get to bed early but he’s also got loads of time off. In the winter he might work 5 days a month and in the summer 8-10 days a month. We don’t have a baby yet (TTC at the moment) but we agreed with his current job he would be able to be a lot more hands on. I would expect when I’m on maternity leave he would be around way, way more than the average 9-5 office worker. Then he will have long days and days he will need to prioritise sleep but overall he will have a lot of capacity.

I guess what I’m saying is I understand the pressure you’re both under but you should consider other options - it’s not Dubai or no change. Lots of different airlines and short v long haul in the UK.

Don’t make any decisions at the moment. You have just had a baby and you are feeling overwhelmed. Don’t get divorced as this will make life harder for you. Just take your time and adjust to your new life and see how you feel in a few months time. Having your first child is a shock. You realise you don’t have your own life anymore. It’s hard but it will get better

I think what you're dismissing as "baby blues" sounds like quite bad PND. I suspect this but the usual exhaustion and relentlessness of having a small baby is clouding your judgement here. Most people have an uneven split on mat leave, it's the first time many adult women haven't been working in their jobs and that causes issues for many many couples. You knew the job and hours your DH did, it's not clear what your expectations were about this changing.

You need to think practically about what your DH can do. He obviously can't look after the baby the night before a flight - it's unreasonable to ask that. He can however do it when he's on his rest days. Get his schedule and work round it so you can plan in some time for yourself. He needs to take the reins on sorting his own dinner of he's on a different schedule. Can you get a cleaner for a few hours once a week or once a fortnight?

DH has travelled extensively since DD (now 7) was 10 months old, every month we sit down and work out our schedule, he travels ad hoc and it's a moving picture but I'm organised AF and prioritise our DCs schedules over his and I ensure I get my own time as well. DH often jokes he gets the scraps at the end but I remind him about his uninterrupted nights sleep in hotels and not having to do the school and nursery run.

Hi OP, I don’t think your two options of a Dubai move or a divorce are good options right now. Why can’t you take other steps before this as both are very extreme?

6 months post partum is so, so early still and most people feel completely different past the one year mark when they are sleeping, babies are more independent and they get a break if they go back to work and nursery. I certainly did not enjoy my mat leave. I was exhausted, stuck at home and resentful that I couldn’t do anything I used to do, it sounds a lot like the things you are describing except for my husband didn’t work abroad. I just wonder if some of what your experiencing maybe isn’t due to your husbands job but is part of the transition to parenthood. If you were happy with the arrangement before would you not be happy with it again if you were given the space and time to do the things you were doing before?

I think it is unfortunate that his job probably does require him to be well rested and his schedule will be unpredictable and change, even if he does sometimes use that as an excuse.

would you be able to trial nursery and a bit of extra regular support with child minding in the house as an initial step?

@Klaudea - you sound so much like I was I couldn’t read and run. I ended up going back to work 4 days a week 3 months earlier than planned and it saved my MH and our marriage, frankly. I needed to go back to an environment where I was in control, where I felt capable and where I could get some mental stimulation and adult conversation that had nothing to do with babies. My resentment towards my husband disappeared overnight, I was basically jealous that his life seemed to have stayed the same (it actually hadn’t!) while a bomb had dropped in mine.
I was also a much better, more engaged parent and relished our day together, rather than dreading another groundhog day of nappy changes and cleaning.
FWIW my advice is find a decent nursery and go back to work, throwing a move to a new country when you are already all at sea won’t help.

You’re being massively unreasonable as a result of your poor mental health. Of course he can’t be up with the baby at night when he’s flying a plane the next day and you’re on maternity leave. Get a grip!

When do you go back to work? Can you sign baby up for a shift or two a week at nursery whilst you’re still on maternity leave so you can catch up on sleep and me time?

The fact is you’re unsupported because of his shifts. I wouldn’t move abroad you will still be lonely. Could you afford a babysitter to give you an afternoon off. There are nanny agencies that will offer qualified babysitters in an adhoc basis. If money is tight I would move to a cheaper home/area and life would be more affordable. I would also consider going back to work part time so you aren’t overloaded with work/life balance. I wouldn’t consider ending a marriage when you have had the baby blues as you describe I would wait to make big decisions when you are fully back on track.

But you knew this would be your life? I don’t know how you could have lived the reality then expected different. Can he not pay for a nanny to help you while he isn’t there?

As we don’t live in a world where people are willing or able to give up flying, we need pilots. Are pilots just supposed to not have kids?

OP’s life isn’t the way it is because everything revolves around the man. It is the way it is because to a certain extent, things have to revolve around the career of the parent who works an extremely important, high pressure job, where the lives of hundreds of people are in their hands, and where their schedule necessarily involves shift work, long hours and nights and is not fully within their control.

Um yeah to be honest if I'm on a flight, I would really rather the pilot not be sleep deprived from being up with a baby all night!!!

As others have said, you knew he was a pilot before you married him and had a child with him?! What do you expect him to do really??

The posters saying he is awful and selfish - how? Because he sometimes has to eat dinner / go to bed early because of his schedule? Surely that's normal in anyone who works odd shifts such as NHS staff, factory / shop workers etc...?? He's suggested moving to Dubai as he thinks it will be good for the family as his wife will get more time to herself. I don't think it's the solution here but also don't think he's being selfish in suggesting it!

OP - How you feel is completely normal in the early stages of motherhood. Losing your identity, no time to yourself, husband gets to live his life as normal etc etc. But I really don't think moving to the ME is the answer. You will feel even more lost - certainly to begin with. You need to get back to some form of yourself over here and make sure your marriage is rock solid before even considering moving anywhere else.

And I would definitely suggest going back to work part time as soon as possible. Even if you only earn enough to cover childcare costs for now. It will be worth it for your sanity.

Oh OP I could have written this myself 3 years ago!

My years maternity leave was the worst year of my life! I hated it! Please don’t make any hasty decisions at this time. It is so normal to be resentful of the other parent when it seems like their life hasn’t changed at all since having a baby, but you don’t even feel like a human being anymore!

Return to work as soon as you are able. Even if it’s PT and/or make sure you are making use of your KIT days. Your DH’s job is tricky to work around and he does need his sleep. None of us want to be in a plane piloted by someone who’s been up with a baby through the night. But he does get days off like everyone else and annual leave and he HAS to step up then.

Some practical tips to feel more yourself until the drudge of SAHM life has passed…books and podcasts. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I found reading and listening to podcasts on topics I’m really interested in helped me feel more human. It let me indulge my interests without needing a babysitter, leaving the house or a tonne of energy. It gave me interesting things to talk about & engaged my brain. Do a gentle yoga workout on YouTube. Consider some online learning.

It’s really hard around a young baby so keep it low pressure and remember it’s just to make you feel more human, more valued. I felt like a new woman as soon as my DC started nursery.

You are surely not saying that he should be up in the night with a baby the night before-or two nights before-he flies a plane with many souls on board.

If he needs dinner early in order to get to bed early than that's that. I'm sure his passengers would be glad. I wouldn't want my child flying with a pilot that is up half the week with a baby and nor would anyone on here if they all spoke the truth.

He can have his dinner early and you can have yours at whatever time you like.

You're on maternity leave.

Tell him to stop being a pilot if you want but do not endanger others because you feel woebegone.

Would you be happy for a pilot to fly you across the Atlantic after they spent the night up every couple of hours looking after their infant child? I certainly wouldn’t be. The high salary of a pilot comes with responsibilities, including making sure you are well rested before entering a situation where you have the lives of hundreds of people in your hands.

Honestly, I would divorce. There's no way out of this. You are right, the issues are baked in but....I would try and cool myself for now and rather than knowing what I don't want, come up with a solid vision of what I do want and work towards that to the exclusion of all else and if that means divorce, so be it. If he will change his job and hours and participate, then great but it sounds 100% unlikely that he will if he is talking about paying for that part of your lives at further cost to yourself

If you feel you would be happier divorced, do it. It sounds like he is treating you like staff and you are over it all anyway.

I mean this does seem reasonable, I agree. If he’s taking the baby and very involved on his off days I’m not understanding how the issue is his behaviour. The night before work it seems reasonable that he can’t look after the child during what would be his night’s sleep. His suggestion that it needs to be a babysitter if OP wants to do something then seems fair.

Again, 30 minutes for a dog walk is not 'up all night' and if he can't manage 30 minutes of parenting alone, he shouldn't have had a child, should he?

But it’s during his nights sleep so you can’t really frame it in those terms.
It sounds like he does plenty of parenting on his off days, of which he will have many.

Night before work. He will have the baby if doesn’t have to work the next day

I’m not really seeing the issue with that? It sounds completely reasonable. It’s like someone waking you up at 1am because they want to go on a walk, it’s objectively crazy.
It would be one thing to wake him up because she’s at her wits end settling the baby but to go for a walk? No. He has way more days off than the average working adult, she can go on a walk without the baby during any of those.

This and what @MrsMappFlint have said.

If the OP is on maternity / SAHM then during the times her husband is working, it is on her to be up during the night. Yes of course when he has time off then he can take over but if he is flying a plane with hundreds of people on board then there is no chance on this planet he should be up doing the night shifts with the baby!!!

if it’s about sleep then on course she needs to suck it up but if he is protecting all the time the evening before becuase he is working then that isn’t on.

i eoxect a pilot to be able to handle an evening of childcare before a good night sleep before flying me. And if he can’t cope with the stress levels of looking after a baby the night before then I am not sure he is cut out for the pressures of flying.

so it comes down to I suspect he simply can’t be bothered to disrupt his routine

If it’s 30 minutes out of a designated 8-9 hour period when he needs to be sleeping before a flight, it’s absolutely an unreasonable request.

OP has reluctantly admitted that he is happy to parent alone when he’s not flying the next day. She is being unreasonable by asking him to assume full responsibility when he legally needs to be sleeping.

She should not have had a child with a pilot if she wasn’t prepared to be parenting alone a lot of the time, and absolutely on the nights before flights.

??? And if he was up multiple times of these "30 minutes" during the night and was absolutely exhausted (because realistically nobody gets up during the night with a baby and then gets back into bed and falls back into a lovely deep sleep), you'd be happy to board a plane with him at the helm?!