Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Two pages in and I'm seeing a fair few suggestions to divorce. I'm not sure this is a decision best made at a time when hormones are having a huge impact, alongside massive changes to routine and lifestyle etc.

OP is saying she didn't feel this way before and that DH is a loving father. It also sounds like the suggested move to Dubai is only in response to OP's current feelings. She may still be right it could also be a blip. A lot of people have this the first time round.

Generally it’s not good to make any massive decisions when you are post partum.

you are still dealing with a massive amount of hormones and emotional dysregualtion. Just hold out until it’s been a year and you get back into the rhythm of work and life.

crying because you had an early dinner with your dh due to his schedule isn’t reasonable. Which means it’s not the time to do anything big like get a divorce.

give it time. Get back to feeling like yourself first.

This sounds really reasonable to me, I don’t want to be flown by a pilot who has been up with a baby.

As others have said, it sounds like you’re struggling with the mundanity of becoming a mum than anything else. Consider going back to work and starting JOINTLY discussing and planning childcare for this to happen.

In the meantime, make a plan and routine for your days, get out of the house as much as possible. Babies are super portable at that age! Find a gym with a crèche, meet friends, go to baby classes, walk the dog and have a picnic, even little day trips now the weather is nicer.

Unfortunately most of us feel tied to the house of the evening even without a pilot husband, it’s the reality of having young kids.

I’d also consider going back to the GP, I know you mention you are on meds but you do sound quite low so worth another discussion.

Don’t move to Dubai.

This is really difficult OP but as others have said you are in the worst period of having a child. The really mundane hard work period. It is honestly, miserable plus you have had issues on top so everything seems doubly hard.

my husband travelled quite a bit when my kids were small and I just got on with it. There are are lots of single parents who get on with it. There are people who have army spouses who have to go away for long stretches. So ultimately lots of manages survive these situations. It seems drastic to want to divorce to make yourself a full time single parent.

you need to go back to work and you need a bit of help with the housework and you need to get your mood back up to speed. On top of that just give it time and things will improve.

This is bollocks. My best mate's dad is a retired BA pilot. Him and his wife are absolutely living the dream! Houses in UK, Southern France, and Portugal. Had one in South Africa too at one point.

I understand it Op. The divorce rate in my DH us high for the same reasons - in and out, late nights, early mornings.In fact his first wife left when she had a child for the same reasons as you.
Do not move to Dubai

But any chance you can buy a small flat that DH could stay in for before and after shifts. Then he can sort out his own shit but come home to you in sync with your routine. No second child to worry about but a useful husband instead? And a property investment in case you need it.

Don't make any big decisions while you've got a small baby and are recovering from PPD.

Could you rent your house out and move somewhere cheaper for a couple of years? You don't need to live somewhere with good schools until your child is ready for school. Your DH's contribution to helping the situation can be putting up with a longer commute to his airport. This would free up some money to get in some help around the house.

It won't solve all your problems but will relieve some of the day-to-day drudge. As others have said, it's really common to feel as you feel after having a baby (the feelings of losing yourself, not the depression). Your life changes completely, while the father's life continues almost as normal. It's really rough for a lot of professional women.

Babies get easier as they get to six months so you're nearly out of the worst of it. Reassess at 12 months and see how you feel.

Aside from the fact your husband doesn’t sound great. Don’t make any decisions while you’re still suffering from PPD.

I felt very much like you (suicidal at times) but it improved (and had abusive DH) a lot when I went back to work and started to get some time away from home and dc my mental health improved.

Can you get family help / babysitter so you can do things in the evening when he’s working / goes to bed. So you start to find some enjoyment and fulfilment?

Dubai is a terrible idea if you divorce there and have a custody battle if you want to come home.

I think people are being very rash to encourage divorce. There is nothing much in the OPs posts other than the pilot husband needing early nights and good rest before he flies a plane. Let’s be honest, no-one would want the pilot of their own plane being up all night caring for a baby before flying.

I think the OP sounds very low and this isn’t the time to be making life changing decisions.

The mortgage is also massive which will be another factor. Dubai might not be the answer but I can also see why the husband might be suggesting an international move for the chance of a better lifestyle. That might not be right for the OP but it’s something to potentially consider.

Hi @Klaudea
sorry you’re feeling low. Maybe you should go back to the doctors and discuss your mood. It’s good you’re getting better but it sounds like you’re still a bit low xx

Can you plan a return to work? Or part time? And look at a nanny share or some childcare help?

I’ve been a lone parent for the whole of my DC life and I went on a lot of trips in my 5 months mat leave - including visiting lots of friends across the country and overseas. Drove to their houses, stayed a day or so and had help then drove on to another friend and spent a month overseas with friends too.

can you plan a solo night out with friends when your partner is home? Go to the gym with a crèche? Have you got other friends with babies? Can you build up a network?

It is a different period of your life but I don’t think it will be easier as a single parent x

Then he is being completely reasonable. He is literally responsible for the lives of hundreds of people. He can’t be sleep deprived.

I think your PND and despair is making you focus blame too much on your H. He does not have a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card. He really is responsible for hundreds of people’s lives. He really does have a notoriously inflexible job.

I doubt his job will enable him to do 50/50 if you leave. That wouldn’t be good for a six month old anyway.

The situation you are in is hard and sucks but it’s not anyone’s fault. I had a baby who screamed with reflux. I got, on a good night, maybe three hours sleep in short broken chunks. It went on for months. I had an autistic husband completely unsafe to do nights as he would meltdown with the screaming. It was hell. Real hell. But I got through it. So will you. Things will slowly improve.

The first poster was right. Wait till you are back at work, for your PND to dissipate and then start to really think about your options.

And do NOT move to Dubai.

I don’t think anyone knows 100% what they are getting into when they have their first child. I know I didn’t. Perhaps the OP, like many of us, has found maternity leave a much harder, lonelier existence than she ever anticipated.

@bunnycat

Agreed.
Based on current info Divorce would be a very poor choice right now.

Six months is such early days OP, please try and be kind to yourself. It is also so normal to resent your DH skipping off to work whilst you are left at home with the baby, and that’s super common when your partner is working 9-5 let alone overnights and more complex hours like your DH.

When you are ready I would start exploring going back to work, either FT or PT depending on your preferences. And organise childcare for DS. You’ll be surprised what it feels like when you rejoin the “adult world” and the sense of self it gives you.

Get an au pair.
move house, if you’re in London or Manchester you’ve picked an expensive area. It might feel like a come down but it’s the lesser of two evils.

I was in a group for mums with postnatal depression. Half of them had dickhead misogynistic husbands like yours who thought babies were women's work and didn't pull their weight. No wonder they had depression.

Ask him why does he think buying in help is the only solution? How will he bond with the baby if they never have time alone?

If you are a professional and can support yourself and your DH is a pilot (my friend is a first officer and on very good money), I'm struggling to understand why you can't afford a cleaner, nanny, etc in UK.

What a ridiculous post. They have a gigantic mortgage - of course her husband can’t just walk away from his high paying job. He’s certainly not going to be able to find an equivalent salary in a more normal job any time soon, with no experience outside piloting and with the job market being the way it is.

And being a pilot isn’t a career you can simply ‘take a break’ from. As a pilot, if you’re not flying regularly (minimum hours per month/year), you’ll lose your licence and have to go through the lengthy, expensing process to get it back if you ever want to return.

OP needs to accept a share of the responsibility here for having a child with a pilot when she knew full well the implications of his schedule.

Also OP you can hire a babysitter to watch the baby even if he is in but has to sleep before a flight.

it might be cheaper than getting help until you get back to work that you get in a baby sitter for a few hours. Or a mothers help for 1 day a week so you can get some alone time or socialise without the baby?

You'll get lots of responses saying don't go to Dubai. I partially agree, just because if your marraige is on shaky ground and you become residents there with a child, that could get complicated.

On the other hand - I lived in the Gulf (similar country to Dubai) and it was a far, far easier life for the mothers of young children. Huge villa on a safe, beautifully landscaped compound, got to stay at home because the husbands all earned a fortune, and all had live-in nannies/cleaners as well so lots of time for gym and socalising.

It's also extremely friendly and welcoming, because people do rotate quite a lot. None of this struggle to break into a clique, you're welcomed and included. You'd have far less of a sense of isolation on a nice compound, and some of your new friends will probably have pilot husbands too.

It's honestly an opportunity to have a really easy, privileged life.

Don't make any decisions now, because what it's impossible for you to fully 'get' is that this situation is temporary. My ex-H wasn't a pilot, and still things were a bit like this due to his long working hours.

Dealing with life in general, let alone a baby, when you have PPD is really difficult, and it feels like it will never end. A baby can be a huge shock and upheaval to your life that you never could have predicted.

But babies grow up. A time will come when 4.45 for dinner is either the perfect family time (because that time does suit children too), or you can have 2 dinner times. Babaies are completely dependent on you in a way that can come as a complete shock, but as they grow, they gradually become less time-consuming and you can begin to get your life back.

Having said that, he does need to start looking after baby when he is not working, to allow you some time to yourself. He also has to accept that he can go to bed whenever he wants, but you cannot be expected to keep down any noise other than that created by you personally. The dog and the baby will make noise, and that has to be ok.

That's just a couple of tweaks that can make things a bit better, incrementally. There will be others.

In the end, I divorced when son was 5 - but by that time I was coping, wasn't confused or feeling trapped, and was sure it was the right decision.

There's no way I would go to Dubai under any circumstances. You'd lose whatever little support system you have and would be completely isolated - and even more focussed on his career.

I would recommend reading Michelle Obamas autobiography. Sounds a bit random but she writes about when her children were little and Barrack was working long hours as a senator (I think) and how she coped. I found it really interesting, she basically flipped how she saw it so she did her own thing, dinner with the children was at a set time and if he wasn't home (or in your case asleep) he missed out. Interesting perspective.
I would say don't move or divorce if you still only 1 year into motherhood with PPD. Give yourself some time. Once your working and baby is in some childcare it might feel more manageable.

thinking practically about the here and now are there no gyms with a nursery attached? A colleague used one in her maternity leave. Saved her sanity as she was a complete gym bunny.

Then tell him that. Would you have a job in Dubai? Friends? Family support? If all it means is you'd be able to go to the gym more I don't think it would interest you for long. Can you get a regular baby sitter one evening a week for you to go out? What other options are there for him to look at job wise? Don't let yourself be bullied.

If you divorce there is no way in god’s earth he’s going to be any use to the op either. It certainly won’t make him more inclined to support op so she can work / have some life.

There has to be a third option.

OP are you having any help with your “baby blues”?