Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Hi OP, my DH isn't a pilot and doesn't have a similar schedule but I felt similar how you do around the 6 month mark. Maternity leave is really tough - suddenly you're in a groundhog day of nappies, nap times (and I'm guessing you've just gone through the 4 month sleep regression!), and trying to spin multiple plates at the same time.

I only took 6 months off and my mental health instantly improved once I was back at work. I needed to be something other than mum and housewife for a few hours a day, and have guaranteed time away from a screaming baby!

Are you breastfeeding? I still am (she's 8 months old) and unfortunately it does mean DH is a bit scared to commit to anything over an hour of looking after her on his own as she goes from fine to screaming to be fed pretty quickly 😅

What you're going through at the moment is tough but very very normal - it's a small window of our lives that sometimes we just need to wade through until we can reclaim the time and space to be us again.

On a side note, I lived in Dubai for 5 years for DH's work (I also worked there but his job was the motivation to move). The money can be good and it can solve some practical issues, but you'll feel ultimately more isolated than you currently do as you'll have lost your closest support network (family/friends) and being a SAHM will close off your opportunity to make non-mum connections further. I wouldn't move there if I were you.

I don't think divorce will help you either as you will still be beholden to his schedule and he would still insist on not looking after the baby the night before he flies.

Perhaps marriage counselling will help open his eyes and make him think of how he can better support your needs.

Wishing you all the best OP, it's so hard being a new mum and I think resenting your partner is inevitable when so much has changed in your life and their's seems to just continue as normal!

This would be my view.

Get to a year and get back to work before you agree or decide on anything.

Imo uae sounds disastrous...so does divorce.

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus with no 1. Going back ft helped me weirdly... I found it much easier than most of my mates leave. I def had pnd.

THIS FEELING IS TEMPORARY!

Focus on getting to the end of mat leave - it does get better. 6m was such a hard time for me.

Remember you can sleep in the day as well as night. Its summer so just send dh out with the baby and tell him not to come back until x pm and you nap.

Also at 6m you can start sleep training- id do this as a priority.

OP, I personally found both my mat leaves to be a bit shit. And frankly the 6-9month old period to be the worst - weaning is a pain, sleep goes to pot. Honestly, don't make any life decisions now because everything gets so much better around 1! You'll find a new routine with work, baby will be able to play more independently, move around themselves, start to give you more back. Plus you'll start to get some time to yourself again.

I agree with others - do not go to Dubai.

Concentrate on getting better and reassess in a few months. I found my PND got lots better when I went back to work and started having my own identity again.

So much of what you’ve said hits home with me. I’m married to a speciality doctor and it’s often compared to pilots in terms of constantly changing shifts, very long hours, no set finish times and no flexibility. It often feels as though the career is just completely incompatible with family life. He starts before any nursery opens and never finishes when he is supposed to. There’s so many random bloody courses or exams that require traveling hours or staying over. They moved him every six months to random hospitals hours away (thank god that’s almost over now) all whilst I had two babies at home!

I also used to keep myself busy so never felt it until we had kids. Overnight my life was just taken away, I gave birth to eldest, Covid hit and hubby was gone (he works intensive care). I now have a 5yo (who is profoundly autistic and extremely high needs non verbal) and a 3yo and I feel like I’ve lived most of the last few years alone. The entire process I’ve been through with autistic DS was largely alone, DH just popped up for the highlights, told me how he thought I could do it better then disappeared again.

Yesterday my extremely unwell DF had emergency surgery and whilst I was waiting to hear if he was ok DH whatsapped me ‘gonna be at least an hour late’ and I just laughed because OF COURSE he was!

His body clock is constantly out of whack, he’s exhausted, miserable and definitely prioritised work over us. He’s made it clear in the past that he would choose the job over us if I make him choose. It’s like he’s in a cult rather than a profession but honestly I think a lot of it is down to such a big part of his personal identity being tied into the job. So when people say ‘can he not reduce hours and you both work PT’ I just roll my eyes because you have to have two willing people and men like these are never willing. They’ll say they will but ultimately never actually would.

I ended up a SAHM because it just was not doable any other way. He’s a fabulous provider and due to DS’s extreme needs it is 100% better for us to remain together as a family, I even talked it over with his social worker (who very clearly felt sorry for me) but agreed it was best to stay. That being said I can’t ever get holiday it wrap around care for DS so my situation is a bit different, yours might be more doable. I highly doubt he would take 50% custody though so I’d only leave on the expectation that you'll have them full time and he’ll pop in and out as suits him.

I found it helpful to make a pros and cons list. For me that helped me realise that although I don’t get companion or friendship I do get great financial support, a comfortable home, mutual respect and safety and some practical help with the kids when he’s around (and physical care support with DS).

I’ve made lots of mum friends which has really helped!

when my kids were little I joined a babysitting circle. So a no cost way of getting childcare. We met up in the days as well to get to know each other. You started the group with a certain amount of tokens. Some people just wanted a couple of hours in the day to go and get their hair cut etc. you could start one if there isn’t one in your town?

are you seeing people in the day? This is absolutely essential to your sanity if you don’t want to go crazy when you have to do the evenings alone.

you really can’t go for a walk or whatever if baby and DH are sleeping and your DH has to work the next day. You must know he can’t be woken up if he has to fly?

i totally get how desperate and trapped this feeling is but it really doesn’t last forever. I would absolutely focus on making your days as busy and social as possible so you have filled your cup before the evenings and nights.

I think the issue us that being a new mum is very difficult. Don't divorce yet...just don't move to Dubai.
I had dd alone and I still feltvlike a 1950s housewife...no man in sight! The reality is with a new baby we are stuck at home for a bit.
Try councelling.

I think Dubai is def not the answer or a divorce.

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Being a mother is such a sacrifice isn’t it? The early days are so tough but you’ll get through. I think you need to try & get some good sleep where you can and make some plans to get out more, baby cinema at a local independent cinema perhaps, more time connecting with friends, more time outside. You will get there. Start today. Take care.x

I actually think Dubai would be a good move in some ways but I definitely wouldn’t consider it at the moment -with a baby- if you’re not 100% confident in your relationship. If the relationship breaks down over there it would be much more stressful than if you were still in UK.

Probably because he's raised going previously and wanted to then but you, at that time said no. Don't move to Dubai. It won't change anything for you.

First things first before making bid decisions - take small steps. You need to get better at using the time he will look after the baby to leave the house and get out. It's hard to when you have a kid as it feels almost alien to leave them and then you don't know what to do with yourself but just leave for an hour walk because (a) this is the only way you will be able to start to understand yourself as separate to them again which you are clearly struggling with, (b) it is the only way he will start to have more empathy for what it means to actually look after a child rather than just give them some cuddles. Even better if you can get someone to meet you for a coffee or something but it doesn't matter if you don't - i just used to go for a walk listening to music or podcasts.

He will very likely move to dubai if they divorce. Very unlikely to have 50% custody. @123EndOfRope67 don't fool yourself. Do your family live nearby?. Maybe suggest moving near them if not. Maybe get an affair. Divorce won't solve your problems

That mortgage is crazy, are you london based? Could you move to cheaper part of UK, Manchester Airport is commutable from many rural villages.
DH works shifts so I get how you feel to an extent, I didn't think through the future implications before getting into a relationship with him

Ok, the most helpful advice here has come from other pilot wives. Short of changing his job you need to be proactive. Sit with him weekly and work out family time on his roster. Make some adjustments (it’s fair he doesn’t have the baby the night before his shift) but you don’t have to eat at 4:45. Some of the things that are irritating you are things that he can’t help with his job and won’t change and others are bits where he’s being a pain. Work out which is which with some clear headspace.

When you plan the week with him put down the me time. So on an off day you can go to the gym. Sit down, look at his leave, book it in, plan some holidays.

Think through what happens when you go back to work. The nursery years are usually okay- nursery hours are long but school and wrap around care with someone working shifts is tough. When the baby goes to nursery they will fall ill a lot. If you have to keep taking time off, factor this in.

Ask him which tasks (including the mental load of them) he CAN do consistently.

Finally, having sorted through the routine, create one that works for you.

obviously this is so much harder with a small helpless baby and sleep deprivation. Plus it seems you have a dog to boot!

OP the one thing that would make a difference to me is, does your husband actually understand? When you have a conversation about it, does he get where you’re coming from and how you’re feeling?

I feel that a lot of stuff can be managed, the routines, the life admin, the time alone etc, ifyour partner is emotionally supportive. That is the crucial factor for me. I would want to be able to have a conversation with my husband where he understood my feelings and respected them, even if he could not change the actual facts of life right now.

Is he receptive and caring when you discuss your feelings currently? That is the dealbreaker for me, not so much the rest of it. Does he get it?

It seems you are very resentful of your baby more so than your husband. He needs to work and has a good job, I’m not sure what you expected from his job when you had a baby, he’s hardly got a 9-5 job. Things are a bit tough currently so you think getting a divorce is the solution, well it will be even tougher as a single parent if he decides to move to the ME.

Some would be okay with it, others not. What’s important is YOUR happiness. Of course PPD isn’t making life any easier but don’t settle for being miserable! Therapy would help you to gain perspective and to decide what is best for you going forward.

He would live the expat lifestyle and you’d be alone, many miles from home. Don’t do it.

Don't move to Dubai.

Sell the expensive house and move somewhere a bit cheaper which also works better for sound proofing for your dh. This will free up some money for some additional support for you and ensure he will be able to get more sleep....long term there is no way you will be able to tiptoe around the house with a toddler /preschooler / school age child. If you don't fix this now it will be an issue down the line.

I think many men become a lot more involved with their children when they start being interactive, babies are a bit dull. They don't stay dull for long before you know it you will have a walking, talking child and your dh will likely feel a huge pull toward them. I would give it a bit of time and tell yourself to review the whole situation again in a year.

Being a single parent will be equally as hard and having small children does tie you to the house somewhat. It takes military planning to work out when you can get time to yourself in some households and routines change over time.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day

What he really is saying Dubai offers is he can afford paid help. He isn’t willing to change or participate in family life more he just wants to pay people to do the everyday jobs as a family he would be expected to do.

Dubai will just be Ground hog day with sun annd you will be bored out of your mind

ATM you are caged with responsibilities of looking after dc, the house and doing a job as well as dh coming and going. In Dubai you won’t have to look after dc or the house or do the job and dh will still be coming and going

you will still be caged all be it a gilded one.

No idea about a pilots schedule but would selling up and buying a place in a cheaper area and a studio near the airport and for the 3, 4 or 5 days he is at work or needs to go to bed in the afternoon he spends it at the studio, and comes home for his full days and evenings off.

From someone who had a dh (now exh but that was more to do with him being at home) spent 3 weeks in every month in different global locations and one week at home. I actually found I liked the 3 weeks in my own each month as I could organise everything and pretty much do anything even with 2 children

Do not downplay hormones P/P women can develop PND or PNA 2 years after having a baby. So I would say never ever make a life altering decision during this time. You will feel that way. I felt that way. I got through it and I felt dofferent after 1.5years so much so I had another baby and I am a SAHM and actually loge it now..... No offence but parenting solo is not easy at all and not something you should do easily and think it is better. Unless you have real issues in your marriage.

I would reccomend you watch Allen De Botton School of Life his video on Love, Marriage and relationships.

My friend's DH travels and moves a lot for work. After the DC were born she decided to stay in the UK while he carried on - he is based overseas but comes home whenever he can. It's been tough, but actually he sees her and the kids almost as much as if they had moved with him - and she has all her support network/job here. I think you need to make the divorce decision when you are back on an even keel with your mental health - ditto any major decisions like moving.

Okay so here are some things that may help.

Night before the nights he goes back to work/needs to sleep early you have that evening to yourself. Do what you need to do to fill your cup.

When he is at work (presuming he stays away sometimes) invite friends over for dinner or even a cuppa. It will get easier as baby will be in a routine and pretty much in bed by 7 as they get older. Don't cook anything fancy just throw a pizza on the oven. Doesn't have to be a big night or a late night. This is a game changer for me when my DH is on nights shifts. Sometimes when my friends are organising an evening out and we are talking dates. I'll offer any where my DH is on night shifts and offer my place for takeaway and wine nights as well as dates he is home and we make a call based on who can do the majority date. My friends are happy to do a mixture of evenings in and out.

Find a gym/PT/classes that allow you to bring your baby. Post on the local FB asking. I think you'll be surprised how many options there is.

Get a travel cot, can you then go stay with your family/cousins/friends etc with baby. Even if your mum has work then next day and can't babysit. Even just going round there and having dinner with them and staying over gives you a change of scenery from feeling trapped. Then you can let yourself out even after they gone to work. I feel so much better if I've had a change of scenery for a night.

My DH does shifts so I totally get the resentment of everything having to work around this. Tbh I'd the baby years are 'easier'' as you can go visit people. When they have school the next day it's harder and involves staying at home more. But then again it's also different and less lonely as tbh when you've had a 5 year old talk your ear off for hours you'd appreciate the quiet evenings. Right now your getting minimal conversation and that is lonely 🥰

Go easy on yourself. It's a huge lifestyle change and I remember around 9 months feeling the same and having huge rows with my DH. We got through it once we worked out things to help me feel less lonely.

Dh never did interact with dc and the 3 weeks per month i was the “single parent” were great and I had all the freedom to do anything or go anywhere. (Dc and I once went on holiday for a week and dh didn’t notice)I found dh being at home for that one week per month such hard work and my schedule was thrown off by him being in the house in the evenings (even though he would go to work in the company office for those 5 days) . I once remember coming in from work in the evening and dh had arrived home during the afternoon . The laundry basket was overflowing, our bedroom was a mess and he had made dinner for himself and not cleared up and was in the living room, coffee table full of his dirty plates, wine glass and water glass and beer cans and him passed out in the sofa. It was total destruction

I have many single parent friends and life might be harder in some areas because of the responsibility of everything but most were doing everything anyway so no dh meant less mess and no compromising with and a lot more freedom

Where you live shouldn’t be considered an ‘aesthetic’. The important thing is that your family is happy - you’re not happy currently most likely because you’re on maternity leave and feel isolated. Living in either the UE or the Cotswolds won’t change that at all. Your DH is doing the job he’s always done since you met - nothings changed there. You’re tied to a big mortgage so he can’t cut his hours as you need his salary. Presumably you chose to have a baby - did you think everything would carry in as normal once baby arrived? Because it doesn’t - for any new parents things change dramatically. But they don’t stay like that forever. I’d say, start planning your return to work, back to normality and outside distractions.

Do not move to Dubai.
You could get stuck there, away from what support you have in the UK.
Women's rights are likely not so good (though I'm just going in what I've read on here) . Won't fix your problems and might cause much bigger ones!