Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

I wouldn't make any big decisions right now. When you've got a baby the first year is very challenging. I think you need to look at his schedule and see when you can take time. Thrn arrange time out with your friends or even alone. I understand that he doesn't want to look after the baby at night when he's working the next day, he can't afford to be tired, when he's responsible for so many other people's life's. I'm hoping things will change when you go back to work. It might be worth considering putting DC in childcare 5 days a week but reducing your hours or condensing them so you have some alone time during the week. Anyhow, I wouldn't move nor would I separate at this time. Carve out time just for you.

30 fucking minutes!!

Where does it sound like he does loads of parenting on his days off? Where does it say OP gets ANY breaks when he's off?

Just read the effing thread. OP’s most recent post: “He will have the baby if doesn’t have to work the next day.”

In all fairness, I know people who live in Dubai and they have a great life! Help with the kids, good schools, so many expats and loads of friends. He's a pilot so hopefully you'd get discounted flights home when you need them. Our friends are teachers and they make loads more money than they would in the UK, have a nanny etc, yet still spend summer holidays in the UK (when it's too hot in Dubai). I'd probably do it as I like adventure, change and sun!

Ahh yes of course, she should not have had a child if she didn't want to do it all, not he shouldn't have had a child if he didn't want to do any 🙄

Considering he is a pilot and you have a decent job now - I can’t understand why you can’t pay for that help now?

You are in the trenches at the moment with a young baby - don't make any rash decisions. Would it be worth going to a couples therapist to help communication? I was on mat leave last year and felt so resentful to my husband until we swapped over for a few months - we did shared parental leave. Being in each other's shoes for a bit - me working full time - him being the stay at home parent - made us realize what the other one did and massively improved our marriage.

Now I work part time and he works full time - we are both sleep deprived but my son is enjoying his days at nursery and overall a much happier household.

Sending a big squeeze the first year is tough!

Don't move to Dubai though - you might find it very isolating

It’s literally in the OP’s comments. Perhaps read it before ranting at people.
She says he will have the baby when he doesn’t have work the next morning. He’s a pilot, he will have shifts that mean he often has 4 days or more in a row not at work.

It’s nothing like someone having the baby at 8pm when they work a 9-5, he likely needs to get out of the house by 3 or 4 am on his earlies.

Where does it say alone? Where it say what actual parenting he does?

Read the fucking thread! He’s not ‘not doing any.’ He’s perfectly happy to look after the baby himself if he’s not flying the next day and legally required to be well rested.

Do you think pilots just shouldn’t be able to have kids? Is that what you’re seriously suggesting?

I have read, but thanks for the snippy little comment. Nowhere does it say alone, and nowhere does it say what actual parenting he does.

@Klaudea - so sorry you’re feeling like this.
You have severe PND if under a psychiatrist as well as treated with medication and psychological therapies. This will be feeding into how you feel as well as the complete change in your life over the last 6 months. Give yourself grace for this. I’m glad you’re getting help for MH. The 6 month old stage is hard - I’ve gone from having a child with separation anxiety that would cry every time I left the room to one that’s toddling, following me around, sleeping through and eating everything in just 4 months. Everything is a phase so the baby bit will get better.

Notwithstanding that I do think some changes do need to be made in order for you to be happier. Your mental health is of paramount importance here and whilst DP may be well meaning in offering ME move - I agree with other PP now is not the time to make such a decision which could cause even more instability and worsen your MH. ( I do actually have a lot of friends who live in ME with kids and love it - great support, lots of friends, much better quality of life than if they lived in UK - but that decision to move wasn’t made when they were 6 months post partum with PND and unhappy in the marriage)

Lots of great ideas I would echo re how you can carve some time out for yourself - including a copy of DHs rota so can pre plan - taking baby to Mums house to stay over if possible so you’re not tiptoeing and you can have some adult convo of an evening, classes where you can take baby to - these are the only thing I’ve paid good money for - forget baby sensory/ massage - outdoor boot camps with pram, Pilates (for you) with baby - this way you get to meet other mums but are also doing something for you! Exercise is great for MH too! Babysitting circle is also a great one ! With depression it can be difficult to be motivated to do these things so perhaps write down the things you’d like to do and ask DH / Mum / psychiatric team to help you implement them.

It sounds like DH is useful when he’s not having to fly the next day - and other pilot wives have suggested that there are a quite a few days when he will not be flying / working. use these days to do nice things as a family as well as for yourself. If you’d be happy for baby to have an overnight stay with your mum then try and have a day or evening with just the two of you so you can reconnect. A new baby can bash the strongest of relationships even without your H’s difficult work schedule.

An honest conversation re finances need to be had. In my view the trade off for working long and unsociable hours is precisely so you can afford things like a cleaner / outsourced help/ an overnight getaway now and again. If mortgage precludes this and imbalance in domestic roles appears to be a real problem then you need to seriously consider either getting a mortgage holiday / short term credit card / downsizing or even moving. You don’t need to think about schools for another 4/5 years and it would be cheaper and better for your MH to have a smaller mortgage and pay for tuition so you can have a break. It may be that once you go back to work things will get easier financially but potentially not if you’d need to pay for childcare and don’t qualify for funding. Also agree with PPs that you will probably feel better and things may feel more equal once you’re back at work as you don’t feel like it’s your sole job to run the household. Take your time to read through all the replies as loads of good advice and wishing you all the very best 💕

Taken in context with OP’s previous posts, it’s quite clear that that’s what she means. She’s complaining about him not being willing to look after the baby alone when he needs to be sleeping before a flight, but admits he will do so on his off days. Do you need everything spelt out for you?

I mean it’s pretty obvious it means he will have the baby alone as it’s literally the conversation the OP was having.
She’s annoyed he won’t have the baby for her to go for a walk in the evening before he has an early shift, she clarifies in the same conversation about the same topic that he will have the baby if he isn’t working.
You seem to struggle with basic comprehension.

Sounds like you are still struggling with depression. When can you go back to work? See how you feel once you get back to work.

You clearly have zero ability to read between the lines.

It's not obvious at all when she's said shes begged him for time alone even just to walk the dog as it would help her so much. If she was regularly able to do that, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?

Right back at you.

I haven't read the full thread, but I agree with those who point out that his job is safety critical. He must go to work when required by his employer and he must be adequately rested when he gets there. These things are not negotiable Turning up exhausted because of a difficult night with the baby is not an option. I'm afraid this is the life you sign up to if you marry an airline pilot. Family life has to revolve around his (or her) job.

If you are depressed or coming out of depression, it is the wrong time to make major life decisions. People often make big decisions such as divorcing, getting married, moving, changing jobs, having a baby, etc. when they are depressed because they think it will make them feel better. The reality is that it might work for a short while, but it doesn't fix the underlying problem so it isn't a long term fix. And often they will regret the decision. So my advice to the OP would be not to do either - don't move to Dubai and don't divorce. Get yourself fully better then see how you feel about things.

There are two separate issues here: moving to Dubai and having postnatal depression.

clearly you don’t want to do the first one so just say no, but you have to deal with the second one too.

Why not try moving to Dubai if you want to keep your family together? You would be able to afford a better quality of life, giving you time to do independent things. You will make expat friends and there is culture, just not western culture there. If you don’t like it, just move back?!

You’re just embarrassing yourself now. You clearly have an agenda that you are pursuing while paying no regard to the facts of the situation. OP is not an innocent victim of misogyny. She knew full well what she was getting herself into, but thought she could cope. It’s not her fault that she’s found it harder than she expected, but it’s not her husband’s fault either.

It’s obvious to everyone but you, what does that say?

It’s pretty clear that OPs larger problems stem from PPD and struggling to adjust to life with a baby. The baby is only 5 months, lots of these feelings are completely normal.
Her DH will have huge chunks of time off back to back, since she said he does take the baby when he isn’t working it’s clear not being able to go on a walk at night time on a handful of days a month isn’t the root cause of OP’s distress and it’s much, much more likely it’s caused by her PPD.

I wouldn’t make any big decisions whilst still under psychiatric care. Moving or divorcing.

As a doctor I often wished we had the same fatigue management conditions as the pilots who flew us to places where we had to resuscitate people. It often seemed only one group of people who needed to keep people alive where expected and supported to be rested…..however this should mean he has plenty of time not working in which he can definitely step up. Certainly far more than the average surgeon. I’d be minded to seek marriage counselling.

It’s not always as easy as just moving back if you don’t like it. If her DH is happy and wants to stay he can stop her leaving with their child - so she either stays there under his visa as a dependent until the child turns 18, finds a way to get her own visa and stays there until the child turns 18, or risks being arrested for kidnapping if she takes the child back to the U.K. without his permission.