Childcare is so expensive I’m considering just going off sick for summer holidays

[CoolMoose]

I'm almost through the Easter holidays with my children (one of whom has significant special needs and goes to special school). My husband and I both work full time, but childcare for holidays wipes out more than our wage so we try to muddle through. However, AIBU that I’m seriously considering going off sick for some of the summer holidays because I’m completely stressed out juggling caring for my children and working at the same time. I can work from home some of the time, but a colleague made some days over Easter compulsory in the office (& I had to go in and take one of my children with me). Is going off sick for a couple of weeks in the big summer holiday the best way to manage this?Of course, I will be booking all the annual leave I have and buying extra leave to cover whatever I can, but it still does not cover school holidays. I’m utterly exhausted from the 2-week Easter holiday and I’m already completely dreading the summer period.

For context, both my husband and I have good jobs, but my husband works away. We have a preschooler (about £45 a day is the cheapest holiday care) and our older boy who has special needs requires specialist care that costs a little over £20ph which works out about £250 a day). We don’t have any family that can help, unfortunately.

Work out how much you could afford to drop between you and DH and put flexible working requests in for term time working. I work 42/52 weeks a year

Use parental leave to block book weeks at a time. I think you can use 4 weeks a year.
I've used it as a lone parent. Much easier to go unpaid than use an expensive (and crap) holiday club that left the kids miserable.

But it does happen, and people should think. How would we afford/cope with x, y and z scenarios??

How do employers keep track of unpaid parental leave taken? If you change employers I mean? 18 years is a long time!

@Worried8263839 it's 17 weeks each so 36 weeks per child so in OP case 72 weeks until they are 18.

I'm not sure if you can get more with SEN

Sorry 18 not 17 typo

This is what care for dependants is for. You can request a couple weeks unpaid.

I obviously know that it happens since it happened to my son.

I find it hard to believe that anyone can magically know how they would cope or afford something that could happen years down the line from having a healthy child. I had a healthy child for 8 years.

The reality is that no one knows how they will cope unless it actually happens to them and even if it is talked about, the reality is often very different.

I had to quit my job in the end, I had very little choice.

Definitely worth requesting parental leave as other posters have said. If one of your children has SEN, you may be able to access Short Breaks. Worth checking your Local Offer or contacting your local SENDIAS service for info about what may be available where you are. Might give you a few days maybe.

Worth noting that whilst your employer can reject the dates you ask for they do have to offer an alternative within the same year I'm sure it depends on the employer.

I work for a large organisation and have taken August off twice using unpaid leave to spend more time with my children and its been fine If you were going to do it every year it might make more sense to agree a term time working / flex arrangement so that you get paid equally throughout the year, or save up to cover it, but i'd wholly recommend it.

The 18 weeks are per child and the only restriction is that you need to take whole weeks. The legislation says you have to give 21 days notice of intended start date - employers can postpone the leave (though they need a 'significant reason', but must write explaining why within 7 days of the request and the new start date must be within 6 m of the requested start date.

Preparing for adversity and unexpected events is not magic, it’s what prudent adults do. I am astonished anyone thinks otherwise.

No one has a crystal ball but pondering possibilities by observing what happens to others, and having savings and contingency plans in place, is certainly doable. Ask any financial planner.

It makes sense for companies to protect themselves from people like the OP. Basically it's best not to employ young women, just to be on the safe side.

Can you not take parental leave instead?

Again, pondering possibilities is one thing. Actually living with it is a whole different thing. No one knows how they will react or cope no matter how much they may or may not ponder the possibility of their child suddenly becoming disabled.

I mustn't know any prudent adults then as I can't recall anyone having savings just in case their child was to become disabled. We did have a small amount of savings but it made very little difference in the end due to a long hospital stay eating all of it before we'd even got him home. That's another thing most parents don't plan for, their child staying in hospital. It is incredibly expensive.

We are in a similar position with our SEN son.

Me or DH take unpaid leave. We save up every year in advance and even with unpaid leave it tends to wipe our savings.

Sending strength.

Surely what you’re saving on childcare you’d lose what you don’t get paid??

Honestly I’d do it. It’s not forever and you need to do whatever suits you to survive. You sound quite close to a burn out to be honest so yes I think it’s reasonable. Shame on your employer for making it this difficult for you- can you look for a new employer? Best of luck. Don’t feel guilty. It’s insane that employers give zero fucks about work life balance and women with children and we’re all meant to just be fine about it. I think it’s pretty outrageous and you’re within your rights to go off sick when you feel needs must. I’m sure you’re an excellent asset for them the rest of the year. They can suck it up!

If your seen out and about and not actually sick isn't that fraud.

Just how much adversity are we supposed to prepare for? Having a disabled child and not being able to work? Getting early on-set dementia and not being able to work or parent?

You're being a dick - the only mitigation for these risks is not to have children, ever, and you are being so rude to a mother with a disabled child.

Make sure your DH splits the unpaid leave with you. You could ask for 2 weeks each.

Yes. None of those scenarios is uncommon.

I have run fiduciary financial planning programs pro bono for lower income people.

Here are some actual steps responsible people have taken before ttc:

Have zero debt

Live on one income and save the other regardless of how restrictive, in case one partner becomes redundant or disabled

Obtain employment on opposite shifts to obviate the need for childcare

Prioritise the purchase of life and disability insurance

Always have a backup income stream on the go be it Uber, a lodger, ironing, babysitting or supermarket shifts, just in case

Be willing to live without car, holidays or restaurant meals in the early years

Be open to communal or multigenerational living to pool resources

Etc.

People unwilling to do any or all of the above to make their situation work, but who expect endless and unconditional support from society, employers and taxpayers, don’t impress me.

It’s not brain surgery. Most people’s lives include some combo of unemployment, illness, disability, divorce, economic recession, death and unexpected events. Proceeding based always on the assumption one can be bailed out by others is unwise.

Did at least 3 of those things, still struggled financially when my son suddenly became disabled. As I said, having a child in hospital quickly wiped out the savings we did have and then I had to give up my job to care for him.

What a load of twaddle, what are you, a financial adviser for minimum wage earners? I earn a huge amount of money and work 10
hours a day, am I supposed to jump on my bike to uber in the evenings or just the the poor people? (And no I can’t afford it either)

to pay for OPs childcare you’d need to earn in excess of £30k a year in addition just to cover it.

you owe the OP a massive apology for being so rude and disrespectful and I can’t quite believe you haven’t offered it

Does your older child's school not open in the holidays, all the special needs schools round here do? I think a couple are reduced hours, even the sen nursery opens.

I don't know of a single SEN school in our area that opens fully in the holidays.
One of them has a holiday club but it only takes a small proportion of the children who are in the school, and it isn't "school" nor is it available for most of the children.