How to nicely manage grandparents’ expectations

[MaltipooMama]

I was to pre-face this by saying that everyone across our two families get on really well, no fall outs, no animosity, nothing at all like that, I just want some advice on how to delicately navigate this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings!

I currently have a toddler who will be 19 months by the time our second child arrives, he has always had a lovely relationship with his grandparents (my partner’s parents. We aren’t married but for ease I’ll use the IL acronym) and sees them regularly. This normally looks like 3 hours a week when they’ll come over to visit, and they were also here for over five hours on Sunday, I cooked a big Easter roast, they took him to the part etc so from my perspective I think they get a great deal of time with him (although I’m sure people will come along to tell me I’m wrong 😂). They’ve never babysat as he is in paid childcare three days a week and at home with his dad and I for the rest of the week. I do protect my own time with him as it was a massive change him starting nursery and I miss him tremendously since my time with him was cut in half following my return to work. To add, this is more than he sees my family which is normally 1-2 hours a week so there’s no power struggle there.

So herein lies my question, I’ve noticed a few things have been said by his grandmother that have sent little alarm bells through me, and at 7.5 months pregnant I need to know if my protective instinct is kicking in or if I’m right to feel this way. Here are a few examples of things have have been said by ILs:

When the newborn arrives, we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)
When you go into labour we’ll be here to help (with the oldest), now I’m having a homebirth and have already organised for my best friend to be here whilst I’m in the late stages of labour to stay with our son as she is who I’m most comfortable with being here if I’m shouting upstairs or walking around in a robe!
We’ll keep some toys here for when they both come over
You’ll need a lot more help when the second child arrives

I appreciate the above may not seem like a lot in isolation, but coupled in with they already don’t feel like they spend enough time with him and are desperate for overnight stays, to babysit etc I’m concerned that me having a second child is going to make them feel like they have a window to increase control with my son. My partner’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) was virtually a third parent to him and he would see her almost daily, she babysat a lot, and was heavily involved in his life so to their family this is the normal way a grandparent would be, but for me the concept is totally alien.

How can I manage expectations delicately and nicely so that I’m not going to get a barrage of requests and assumptions once my second child arrives? To add, although my partner would be happy with the level of contact his parents require, he respects the fact that I’m not comfortable with this and wouldn’t push me to do anything, however he’s never there when his mother has these conversations with me so isn’t able to step in. His mother is also very persistent and will often say the same thing/ask the same question in multiple ways and try and get an answer there and then. She’s a lovely person, she can just be quite overwhelming which I struggle with as my family tend to let me take the lead on things like this so I’m not used to this approach!

I would be careful about how you manage this, going from 1-2 can be a big jump and you might appreciate their help more than you think.

It's sensible to have boundaries regarding the birth and immediate postnatal period, you take priority then. It's sensible not to promise them things that you're not sure about like overnights but try to keep an open mind. I'd have really appreciated having someone to play with my older one or take them to the park when I was doing the long breastfeeding stints with the younger.

Just out of curiosity why don't you want their help? My little one goes to my in law's a couple of times of week instead of childcare and i'd much rather he was with family.

They're possibly giving you these options because they've done the 1-2 jump and knowing you have a small age gap.

I would just say thank you for the offer and you'll let them know when you need them.

I don't think they're overstepping really ..

@WhatNoRaisins thank you for your levelheaded reply, I don’t disagree at all. I don’t want to alienate any sort of help I just kind of don’t want it to be expected or assumed that that’s how it’s going to be. I’d like to find my feet first and see how I can manage. For example when my first was born, they told me how much help I’d need and all the things they would be doing, and luckily for me I never needed assistance and was perfectly happy and content with my little one. Now I know two might be a completely different kettle of fish but I’m just trying to avoid the bombarding of requests and assumptions before they’re even born, that’s what I’m struggling with

Can you just thank them for the offer of support and bring the focus back onto you? - Say you are really looking forward to having a second child and all the caring that goes with it as their mum - you think you'll cope really well, considering how well it's all gone with your son, but you're glad they're around for support if you need it, you'll let them know?

Just polite distance I think is the way to go?

I think there are ways to politely assert that you are in charge here but appreciate their presence.

(Also I don't think you're wrong to feel this way at all OP, I would find it overbearing as well)

@AliBaliBee1234 with the childcare thing, he’s only in nursery 3 days a week and absolutely loves it, he loves the messy play, the getting soaking wet with water, the variety of meals, interaction with the other children. So I think three days is a good amount of time for him to enjoy that. His grandparents are in their late 70s so inevitably he would spend more time at theirs in a playpen, have the TV on etc. I also don’t want to blur the line between parenting and childcare. His grandfather made a comment when he hurt himself for example saying “oh you’re ok you big babby”, which of course nursery would never do. They’re also really transparent with me with how he’s feeling and give me the option to come and pick him up if he’s not himself, his grandparents would just tell me he’s fine which would make me feel like I don’t have a true reflection on how he’s feeling

I think you’re perhaps overthinking this. None of those remarks seems particularly concerning to me. It sounds like they are trying to be helpful and available. It will actually be very useful to have helpful and available grandparents when you have 2, after the initial few weeks when you just want to spend time as a family.

Now to me, 5 hours a week with grandparents (ILs and yours) sounds like a lot! But if it works for you fine. I think your partner needs to put these boundaries in place and maintain them. Let them know you want space as a family in the early weeks so they aren’t just popping in. Both of mine were born at home and dh enforced a strict no visitors for 7 days policy. I wanted time to rest and recover and to spend time as a family. Then your partner does the sorting out of visits going forward. He can even take the children to visit them so you get a break. If they become problematic and overbearing, he addresses it with them.

To me though, it sounds like they are excited and trying to be helpful, but it’s pinging alarm bells because you’re perhaps feeling a bit put upon by all the visiting they already do. I’d slow that down if you need to. Stop cooking roasts and let your dp meet them at a playground and cafe while you get a break.

I think just be honest and non committal. The birth one is easy 'It's very kind of you to offer, but we've already arranged for my friend to watch DS. We'll have to get together for you to meet new DGC once we've found our feet'. If they want to have a few toys at their house, that seems like a positive even if you don't plan to leave them to babysit; it gives them something to do when they visit.

There might be a time when their help will be useful, eg if you have a DC too sick to go to nursery and you need to go to work.

@butterflycr that’s a really nice reply and kind of just what I was after, thank you! I’m currently working three days a week, heavily pregnant and have an unruly non-walking toddler so sometimes it’s hard to think clearly 😂 I really appreciate this suggestion though and I think it’s nicely balanced

I think I'd just say, "Thank you MIL, if we need any help, we will definitely let you know."
I was also told that I'd need a lot of help with baby, and then she said I'd definitely need her for second baby and I just didn't need it, Ive always preferred looking after them myself. But we don't have the best relationship because our personalities are total opposite and she is very critical and pushy, and not actually helpful..if you do get along well then it's okay to accept help if you need it.

I can't see that they've done anything wrong other than be supportive? I wouldn't rush to put them off tbh.

Also the Grandad comment wouldn't have worried me in the slightest.

Definitely don’t tell them you are in labour. Hopefully your dp will be around to help for a while and it’s fine to just want it to be the 4 of you and delay visitors. I wouldn’t want my older child to feel they were pushed out when the new baby arrives.

@mindutopia thank you for your reply and tbh, it was a lot for me as well, I was drained by the end of it but I genuinely do try my best to make them feel welcome and included. They met my firstborn on day three despite me still not being able to walk properly from third degree stitches from tearing! Yes I think you’re right and a lot of it is because it already feels like a lot and in my head I’m thinking holy shit they want more! 😂 partner taking the little one out to meet them is a great idea and something I’ll be suggesting

They sound really nice and like they want to support you. Just say thank you, it’s nice to know I have support there if I need it.
Two under two is hard work at times, nobody gives you a medal for doing it all without family help.

As a working parent, having engaged grandparents who can help with your children, particularly when they go to school when things get WAY more complicated, is an absolute godsend. I'm not sure what "alarm bells" you're reading into their offers of help, but maybe give them the benefit of the doubt.

Everybody sounds very reasonable here!

I would go with a standard line of
"that's a lovely offer MIL, thanks. I can't say yes or no to it now. I just don't know how I'll feel after DC2 is born. But both me and DH are very grateful to know that you're here if we need you"

Nothing they've said sounds that bad. They sound supportive and helpful. I wonder if your family background of being 'less involved' is clouding your judgement?

It's nice that you are able to be independent and don't feel you need them, but I would try hard not to push them away and them not be involved if you do need them.

It's becoming increasingly clear that children need a village to raise them, and the isolation may not be beneficial.

I don't think they are saying your new baby is a burden, but a 19mo and a newborn is a lot, especially in terms of the attention your toddler will not be able to have!

Set your boundaries - I'm with you on keeping him in nursery etc - but try not to dismiss it entirely. You only have to read posts on here by those who have no local help to see that this can be a really good thing! It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I agree with PP that you're probably over thinking and all it needs is a 'thank you so much for the offer, i'll definitely let you know when I need help'

Just do add, if they are likely to rock up at your door definitely DO NOT tell them you are in labour and make sure your partner doesn't tell them either. I've always thought its much better for everyone just to be told that baby has arrived safely, they don't need hours of updates and you don't need the anxiety that they'll turn up.

And most importantly, wishing you all the best for a successful and peaceful home birth x

OP I was like you and tbh I found the transition from 1-2 absolutely fine, drive me nuts when everyone offered to babysit or overnights as there was no need. However, I did need daytime help when DC2 was about 4 months old as between the both of them I was getting 1-2 hours sleep a night and I was dangerously exhausted.

I agree with Pp, birth is an easy one as you've already arranged it but I would potentially cut down on weekly visits as this is probably adding to your feeling they are being overbearing - I don't actually think they are from what you've said, but when I was heavily pregnant I didn't always perceive things the right way. I would just keep saying, no thank you we are fine until you actually need the support. Now mine are older I'm fine with everything but when they are small you want to protect them and spend as much time as you can and that's right for you, don't let others trample over you. My MIL made my first year with DC1 unbearable and my learned my lesson for DC2.

Yep agree. Just be polite and see how you feel when the DC2 born. Your experience with number one may or may not be replicated with DC2!

19mo and a newborn is a different ball game too. Having the 19mo occupied for a couple of hours by loving grandparents might be the break you need.

@nightmarepickle2025 the alarm bells are that they’re going to want to come round multiple times per week and become fixated on taking over responsibility for my son, I don’t want him to feel pushed out of his home when his sibling arrives and I’d like to find my feet with my children before being told that I won’t be able to manage.

I think your mumma bear pregnancy hormones might be a little overactive based on what they've said vs your interpretation.

I'd keep saying "thanks for the offer, if we need anything we'll ask", and see how it goes.

I think the issue is that they’re telling you what they’ll do or have at theirs rather than asking you if you need any support.

thats the big difference and while its all well and good other posters saying ‘why would you not want help’ the point is, OP hadn’t had chance to work out what support or help she’ll feel comfortable with or need
. the grandparents are pushing and pushing and presenting their desires as fact and now feels like she almost can’t say no.

OP, just smile and say ‘thank you for the offer, we’ll let you know what help we need later on.’
if they persist in saying they’ll do X, Y, or Z then just say you’re not making any decisions on that until later on.

If they suggest they’d be better to come over or have DS while you’re in labour. Just say no thank you, it’s all sorted.
they may be hurt that your friend is doing it but you need to remind them it’s not about DS it’s what you’re comfortable with while in labour.