How to nicely manage grandparents’ expectations

[MaltipooMama]

I was to pre-face this by saying that everyone across our two families get on really well, no fall outs, no animosity, nothing at all like that, I just want some advice on how to delicately navigate this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings!

I currently have a toddler who will be 19 months by the time our second child arrives, he has always had a lovely relationship with his grandparents (my partner’s parents. We aren’t married but for ease I’ll use the IL acronym) and sees them regularly. This normally looks like 3 hours a week when they’ll come over to visit, and they were also here for over five hours on Sunday, I cooked a big Easter roast, they took him to the part etc so from my perspective I think they get a great deal of time with him (although I’m sure people will come along to tell me I’m wrong 😂). They’ve never babysat as he is in paid childcare three days a week and at home with his dad and I for the rest of the week. I do protect my own time with him as it was a massive change him starting nursery and I miss him tremendously since my time with him was cut in half following my return to work. To add, this is more than he sees my family which is normally 1-2 hours a week so there’s no power struggle there.

So herein lies my question, I’ve noticed a few things have been said by his grandmother that have sent little alarm bells through me, and at 7.5 months pregnant I need to know if my protective instinct is kicking in or if I’m right to feel this way. Here are a few examples of things have have been said by ILs:

When the newborn arrives, we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)
When you go into labour we’ll be here to help (with the oldest), now I’m having a homebirth and have already organised for my best friend to be here whilst I’m in the late stages of labour to stay with our son as she is who I’m most comfortable with being here if I’m shouting upstairs or walking around in a robe!
We’ll keep some toys here for when they both come over
You’ll need a lot more help when the second child arrives

I appreciate the above may not seem like a lot in isolation, but coupled in with they already don’t feel like they spend enough time with him and are desperate for overnight stays, to babysit etc I’m concerned that me having a second child is going to make them feel like they have a window to increase control with my son. My partner’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) was virtually a third parent to him and he would see her almost daily, she babysat a lot, and was heavily involved in his life so to their family this is the normal way a grandparent would be, but for me the concept is totally alien.

How can I manage expectations delicately and nicely so that I’m not going to get a barrage of requests and assumptions once my second child arrives? To add, although my partner would be happy with the level of contact his parents require, he respects the fact that I’m not comfortable with this and wouldn’t push me to do anything, however he’s never there when his mother has these conversations with me so isn’t able to step in. His mother is also very persistent and will often say the same thing/ask the same question in multiple ways and try and get an answer there and then. She’s a lovely person, she can just be quite overwhelming which I struggle with as my family tend to let me take the lead on things like this so I’m not used to this approach!

Can you change this around and give them a list of things you'd find helpful?

Like, for example, if PIL make a particular meal ask them to batch cook you some? Especially if it's something their DGS loves.

If there's a toddler friendly activity or park etc you could suggest they go on a certain date. Tell them that DS is excited about it and they might feel happy but you'd have some 'control'?

A project like building a playhouse, learning to ride a bike where there's involvement but a finite time?

Sometimes it's a bit like giving kids 'jobs' when you're trying to manage other's tricky expectations without causing upset - 'Mummy would love it if you could do this important job of counting the flowers outside/shelling peas/wash the garden table etc'

Personally, as a woman who's had lots of babies and a foster 'grandchild', I always ask the new mum what she needs from me to be useful and followed her lead.

Sometimes that's been dropping off food, taking the older sibling to school/play, a load of washing, hold the baby whilst mum has a nap/shower/poo in peace or whatever would make the days of having a newborn easier.

I also don't think that they are being too bad. But, if they are being a broken record with questions, you can be a broken record of answers:

• Thanks for the offer, we'll let you know
• We'll see what's needed at the time
• Oh yes, let's see how we go.

One thing I did when going from 1 to 2, was my (lovely) MIL would have the baby for an hour or so while I went out to a regular class with DD1. So, she and I had non-baby time together, which felt like a good thing.

Ridiculous. They aren’t offering, or even asking, they’re telling OP, ‘we’ll do X. We’ll take DS, we’ll buy Y, we’ll come over when you’re in labour.

of course they can offer to help. But the clue is in the word OFFER.

You sound precious and like you don’t like them, OP. Your children will grow up seeing how you model relationships with in laws and will seek to manage you and their in laws similarly. I guess you’ve tried to hide that in your OP, as it is coming out in spades in your recent posts. Just be up front. I don’t like/find my in laws difficult, how do I find a good balance without offending them/making myself a grump for spending more time with them than I want to. You’ll get better replies.

Wow, all it takes is a strong gust of wind and I’ll ship mine off to the GPs (who I’m lucky are always willing to have them). I think maybe handle with caution… because you might feel differently once you have two. You’re also going to focused on baby a lot, and have GPs around to help out with your other child (and make them feel special) is really helpful. It’s going to be a big adjustment for you and your child. I would maybe go down the route of telling them what you need them to do, that way you have control over how much time they spend with your children. Maybe “could you come over and do X while I deal with baby?”

Hi OP. I have a similar relationship with my ILs in that I'm sure they mean well but it comes across as telling us what we need and what they'll do, rather than asking if and what we might need. I also get the same question phrased lots of different ways to try and get an answer they're looking for. Each event on its own is nothing remarkable but considered as a whole can be wearing and it does feel a little like they're not picking up on some of your cues. I think the thing to do, like PPs have said, is to kindly acknowledge then say we'll let you know - "we already have plans for childcare, but we'll let you know if that changes", "we'll probably need a little bit of time to adjust, but we'll let you know if we need help" etc.

Was going to comment similar.
Will the toddler still be going to nursery @MaltipooMama else it would be a good idea to find a baby class you want to go to and ask the grandparents to babysit the toddler during this time or do as @Tablefor4 suggests and take the toddler to a group while they look after the baby so that the toddler gets 1:1 time with you.

I mean, there are worse ILs to have, but for me one alarm bell is that these conversations invariably take place when your DP isn't present. That doesn't seem accidental and suggests a desire to pressure you into their (her?) preferred outcome irrespective of what works best for you and your DC, and possibly cause division if she doesn't get her way.

Removing a 5-week-old baby from the room when you and he were upset at being separated is appalling.

My ILs were similar in that it was hard to point to egregiously unacceptable behaviour but there was a general riding roughshod over boundaries and it was clear whose preferences were deemed most important. I very much wish with retrospect that I'd been more assertive, and that I'd done more reading/wargaming to figure out how to be assertive without conflict. (It would have helped if my DH hadn't been a complete wet wipe.)

As the thread goes on, you seem clearer about how you want to play things, though, so that's good.

OP, I think it's hard for people to imagine how draining it is when the offers of help are constant and persistent. I had two with the same age gap as you. My MIL was telling me I'd need help even to go to the shops or out for a walk, and she'd be the person to give that help.

Every time I saw her for the last six months of the 2nd pregnancy she told me how I wouldn't cope, it was different to having one child and I'd need so much help.

Similarly to your MIL, DHs nanna was very involved and MIL wanted to have the same role for us.

I found it easy going from one to two children and loved being at home full time with them. I also found MIL to be draining and she would undermine anything me and DH tried to do with our children.

I found that I had to have very firm boundaries and she would push and push and was definitely 'give an inch, take a mile' with us.

I used to just say to her, thanks for the offer of help, I'll let you know if I need you. Or so nice to know you're there if we need you.

We included her, visited often, invited her and FIL to visit us, so it wasn't that we excluded her at all.

Having been in your situation my advice would be to stay firm, have some stock responses and then change the subject. Also, don't be stubborn if you do need help. My MIL has been helpful if one was sick and she could take the well child for the day so they didn't have a miserable day stuck at home.

(Edited because I posted too soon!)

My first 2 were 19 months apart. I found the first year of the second baby’s life really hard. After that is was easy, they are more or less same age, you can do the same things, they play with the same toys.
I didn’t have GP near but things that helped were someone taking out baby 1 and doing things I couldn’t do as I was cluster feeding. I felt really guilty most of the time. Taking baby 2 out for a walk so I could spend time with baby 1 was also so important. The combination of night feeds and a toddler who woke at 530am was a killer.
my parents became GP for the last time with my sister when they were in their 70s. They did have an urgency about them spending time with these GC- driven I think by knowing they would not see them grow up.
so I would have some boundaries but be flexible as I still think the jump of 1 to 2 was the hardest gap even when I had more children

Try to be strategic in the help they give eg avoid falling into the trap where you have zero time to spend with your eldest,
feel guilty and gratefully give him over to the grandparents to have a lovely time taking him out to the park and cafes etc while you sit at home trying to get an overtired baby to nap and do all the housework etc etc etc.

If their offer of ‘help’ is genuine it will include helping you to maintain your bond with your son and get 1-1 time to reassure him that mummy still loves him very much, etc.

‘help’ means means help in all its guises: rocking a baby to sleep in the pram, changing nappies, bringing groceries over for lunch, making food for everyone / helping to wash up, shoving a load of baby clothes into the wash, etc etc.

don’t fall for my mistake and be overwhelmed and overly grateful and then have practically zero time with the eldest who is sad that mummy has no time for her anymore.

Thanks all for your comments and for sharing your own experiences and advice, it’s really appreciated and so interesting to read about situations that others have been in, both similar and different to mine.

I’ve been mulling over it this afternoon and exploring if there might be anything causing my guard to go up, and I’m wondering if some of it is down to the different experiences my partner and I have had growing up.

For example, I was always super independent from being very young, learnt to drive at 17, bought my first property at 22 without a penny from anyone else, always made decisions by myself and trusted my instinct, if something was broken in any of my houses I learnt how to fix it myself so I knew how to do it, and became really self sufficient. Whereas my partner and his sister’s upbringing was entirely different, their parents gave them their house deposit money until they both moved out in their 30s, they’ve picked and bought cars for them, they track their savings accounts and the interest they make and suggest they switch if there’s a better account, if anything needs doing their first port of call is to contact their parents to help, and generally the parents have a lot of contribution when it comes to their children’s decisions.

I wonder if I’m worried that the perception will be now that we are linked by my children, I will become the “same” and also need to be led and have decisions made by them similarly to their own children. I guess I’ve worked so long and hard to be completely independent and self sufficient for so long I don’t want to lose it, because I really like that part of myself and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved and I’m really not used to anyone making decisions for me, not even my own family.

I don’t know really but I think my strong feelings stem from somewhere and perhaps it’s a bit of self protection!

I would honestly wait and see how it goes. The transition from 1 to 2 can be significant, and you may really appreciate their help. Not because either child is a burden, but because the more loving, attentive adults who are around to give that love and attention at the time of the new addition, the better. Having my parents and in laws around a lot in the early days of our second baby really helped our son feel cherished in that time.

If their requests become overwhelming or turn into demands, you can set boundaries then (or ask your partner to). You can continue to turn down overnight stays etc if you don’t want them. But I wouldn’t say anything in advance when their help may be just what you want when the time comes.

Interesting self reflection OP.

Did you "need" to be independent or was it a deliberate choice (or a bit of both)?

I'd think to the model you want for your children in the future too. Do you want them to treat you how you treat the in-laws?

How terrible that your family want to help and support you.

On behalf of those of us who don't have a village 🙄🍪

Offering help versus telling you that you will need help and their expectations is a different thing entirely. Sounds like you had some good advice on how to nicely tell them you will let them know if you need help. Good luck it can be difficult navigating people’s expectations, but it’s worth putting your child and then your own mental health and personal needs first!

I say this as gently as possible but I think you need to loosen up a little bit. I personally think the GP’s sound really supportive, you don't have to commit to anything right now in terms of what they can and can’t do and just say thanks we will let you know nearer the time.
We love spending weekends with our LO and it’s obviously not a bother to look after him at all. But we also do send him to GP’s for sleepovers when they offer. We don’t feel desperate for a break or that it’s needed, but it is nice to have that break and he can get spoilt rotten with GP’s for a night. If they let him stay up later, it’s not a big deal, has a McDonald’s happy meal, not a big deal. All these things are the fun side of going to a GP’s house that he’ll grow to love.

I think you're getting unfair replies OP. I'm very independent and would struggle with being told what was going to happen. It's rude in my opinion, like they're treating you like a child.

That sounds really insightful and I can relate to it a lot. Since having our LO I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay for others to put themselves out for me. It’s okay for me to lean on family because that’s what they’re there for. It’s really hard but a lovely thing if you can let it happen.

I think it sounds like you are very lucky to have caring grandparents for your children that want to help you. It's really hard without that kind of support

@Anxioustealady oh it’s ok I’m not too phased by the unfair replies, I know I’m a good person so any insinuation otherwise goes over my head. I would also be genuinely surprised if anyone could pinpoint something from what I’ve said to demonstrate that I’ve been unkind to them!

But it is that tbh, they very much treat their own children still as children, remind them to do everything, organise everything for them, tell them to text their aunts and uncles to say thank you for cards they’ve received, organise visits for my partner and his sister to see each other etc. and this is fine for them as they’re all happy with this arrangement but I can’t personally imagine this kind of relationship for me, I’m nearly 40 and have created a really happy and successful life for myself, and had done long before I met my partner, so I really don’t want to fall into the “children” bracket now!

@Hercisback1 a bit of both maybe, my dad was fiercely independent and I modelled a lot of this behaviour from a young age, even aged 9/10 I wanted to assemble my own bedroom furniture so I “knew how to do it myself”, and I’ve always been really proud of what I achieved without a penny of financial support.

I do think I would be happy for my son to treat his in laws the same, and by that I mean; include them, help to organise contact, treat them the same as the other grandparents, go to an effort when they come to visit, speak to them kindly and respectfully.

From my own perspective the only thing that people can say to my detriment is that I’m ungrateful and should be thankful for the help, but I still maintain that my issue is being told what help I’ll be getting and assumptions made about what I need before my child is even here. I want to have a say and a contribution in this as the mother of the children, which I don’t think is me treating anyone badly.

@Moonnstars yes absolutely he’ll still be attending nursery for 2-3 days per week. Partly because he loves it there and partly so I don’t disrupt his routine, particularly as it will continue to be three days when I return to work next year. I also think it’ll give me some bonding time with the newborn without him thinking that he’s being shipped off as it’ll be no different for him!

I really struggled with the transition from 1-2, and we have a 4 year age gap.

DH and I haven't had a 'date night' in over a year due to lack of family involvement,

When I was in hospital having DS1 his DM came to our house, changed all the beds, made sure we had fresh milk and bread and generally tidied up - it was fabulous to come home to (she also made a roast that day!)

Sadly when we had ds2 shes too frail now for this and wow do we miss her assistance, you're very lucky to have this support network

Your lucky.
Why didn't you speak out when they said help with the burden. I agree it's a strange way to say it.
Just reply at the time it's not a burden. I'm looking forward to it.