How to nicely manage grandparents’ expectations

[MaltipooMama]

I was to pre-face this by saying that everyone across our two families get on really well, no fall outs, no animosity, nothing at all like that, I just want some advice on how to delicately navigate this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings!

I currently have a toddler who will be 19 months by the time our second child arrives, he has always had a lovely relationship with his grandparents (my partner’s parents. We aren’t married but for ease I’ll use the IL acronym) and sees them regularly. This normally looks like 3 hours a week when they’ll come over to visit, and they were also here for over five hours on Sunday, I cooked a big Easter roast, they took him to the part etc so from my perspective I think they get a great deal of time with him (although I’m sure people will come along to tell me I’m wrong 😂). They’ve never babysat as he is in paid childcare three days a week and at home with his dad and I for the rest of the week. I do protect my own time with him as it was a massive change him starting nursery and I miss him tremendously since my time with him was cut in half following my return to work. To add, this is more than he sees my family which is normally 1-2 hours a week so there’s no power struggle there.

So herein lies my question, I’ve noticed a few things have been said by his grandmother that have sent little alarm bells through me, and at 7.5 months pregnant I need to know if my protective instinct is kicking in or if I’m right to feel this way. Here are a few examples of things have have been said by ILs:

When the newborn arrives, we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)
When you go into labour we’ll be here to help (with the oldest), now I’m having a homebirth and have already organised for my best friend to be here whilst I’m in the late stages of labour to stay with our son as she is who I’m most comfortable with being here if I’m shouting upstairs or walking around in a robe!
We’ll keep some toys here for when they both come over
You’ll need a lot more help when the second child arrives

I appreciate the above may not seem like a lot in isolation, but coupled in with they already don’t feel like they spend enough time with him and are desperate for overnight stays, to babysit etc I’m concerned that me having a second child is going to make them feel like they have a window to increase control with my son. My partner’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) was virtually a third parent to him and he would see her almost daily, she babysat a lot, and was heavily involved in his life so to their family this is the normal way a grandparent would be, but for me the concept is totally alien.

How can I manage expectations delicately and nicely so that I’m not going to get a barrage of requests and assumptions once my second child arrives? To add, although my partner would be happy with the level of contact his parents require, he respects the fact that I’m not comfortable with this and wouldn’t push me to do anything, however he’s never there when his mother has these conversations with me so isn’t able to step in. His mother is also very persistent and will often say the same thing/ask the same question in multiple ways and try and get an answer there and then. She’s a lovely person, she can just be quite overwhelming which I struggle with as my family tend to let me take the lead on things like this so I’m not used to this approach!

@MimiSunshine for me this hits the nail on the head, there haven’t been any questions at all in regards to what help I’ll need, it’s all very much been what they’re going to do and what I’m going to need, bringing it back to my original point about all these assumptions being made and you’re quite right, when this becomes a weekly topic of conversation it does feel very hard to say no.

As per the very helpful suggestions I’ve had, I think I’m going to be firm with “I really appreciate your offer of help, for now I’m just really excited to have two little ones to look after but I’ll definitely let you know if we need help”.

I think I’ve often felt under pressure to conform to things they want to do that would be completely inappropriate for my toddler, and as yet I’ve been pretty good at pushing back but it can be a bit draining when it becomes relentless and constant.

I think it's natural for your nesting/protective instincts to kick in and to largely want anyone who isn't 'yours' to give you space. But they do sound kind and their offers are coming from a good place. Remember that it's hard to be an in law - they feel all this love for your children but don't have any say or control or the freedom to give all this love as they would choose and that takes some adjusting to, I think.

I would be upfront about not having them in the house while in labour - just say you've got things covered already for your toddler and will just want to be at home with dp and the midwife while you give birth.
I wouldn't make them wait a week to meet the baby (assuming all goes well and neither of you need hospital etc). But it's okay to not have them round immediately if you aren't feeling up to it.
You can also say you aren't ready for sleepovers - these are your children and you don't have to do anything you don't want. But don't be completely dismissive and assume you won't ever need them - keep things open and light, because they do mean well and you never know. Your toddler might actually love some extra 1 to 1 time with granny etc once the baby is here.
I had intense and overbearing in-laws, who meant well but it was all too much for me. I set things up so that they called first and didn't just drop in. I said no to things I didn't want, so that there wasn't an assumption I would always be available. But there were lots of visits (at mutually agreeable times). Let your dp be the go between if necessary - it's easier for them to hear no from him and important for him to respect his you want to mother your own children.
And yes, to being a bit less full on about cooking massive dinners now - it will feel less onerous if you ease back a bit.

What sort of things do they ask that are unsuitable for your toddler? I can see how in a pattern of behaviour this could become wearing.

Maybe you need a polite variant of the broken record approach.

I totally get where you are coming from with regular childcare. We preferred a group setting, they need to learn how to behave in a group and grandparents can't replicate this.

They’re signalling their availability to help. It seems pretty uncontroversial. No one is putting you in an headlock. And I’d just let your partner handle it. His patents, circus, monkeys etc.

Yes, that is perfectly understandable and they do sound too much for me!

First, ideally they should not know when you’re in labour, and DH needs to be strict about visiting, otherwise they’ll be over straightaway by the sound of it.

And I would gently push back on the ‘burden’ comment. That would seriously annoy me.

I had one or two comments from MIL about how I wouldn’t like X or wouldn’t be able to do Y, when I was pregnant. Assuming other women think the same enraged me, quite frankly.

If your partner is supportive of the way you want the relationship to go, then I think he needs to have a conversation with them where he makes it clear what you (both) want. They're his parents and it's only fair he should deal with them, rather than leaving this to you. He also knows them best so is better placed to communicate it. I fear anything from you is going to come across badly. They will blame you for changing the way their family does things, so its very important they see it as their sons wishes too.

@MaltipooMama you're beginning to sound a bit like Meghan Markle - no one asked me what I want . These are general offers of help so tell them when it occurs. The problem is that so many mothers seem to think they are the first to have children and no one else knows. Try to relax about it all. You are lucky to have these offers.

I'd say something to the effect that you want to spend a bit of time finding your feet as a mum of two after the birth, but thank you it's a really generous offer and you'll let them know when you know what you need.
I can see how they might feel a bit overbearing but they sound great to me!
Early days I'd have used them for cuddling the newborn for an hour or so while I had some 1:1 time with my toddler, watching both while I had a nap and making a fuss of big brother while I fed the baby.
My first was really easy too but my second had colic and screamed non stop, noone wanted to look after her!

@Hercisback1 I hope I don’t derail from the thread as they really are lovely people who mean well, but I think it maybe does contribute to my back getting up slightly. As a few examples:

When my son was three weeks old they insisted they wanted us all to go for Christmas Eve dinner. I couldn’t walk properly at that time, I’d had severe tearing and stitches so my partner went alone but they put some pressure on him to take our son who I was breastfeeding at that point. I did make the effort to go to theirs for dinner two weeks later, and there was a point that my baby was distressed and when I went to get him back she took him out the room.

When my boy was 4 months old they wanted us all to go around for a party for their daughter’s 40th birthday. We wouldn’t have arrived until after 6pm as my partner was working that day and I did very clearly explain that our son was in a sleep routine of bed by 7pm so they wouldn’t get any time with him anyway and I would likely be up and down the stairs tending to him, there was massive pressure and guilt put on me to change my mind including telling me what a special birthday it was and how much it would mean to their daughter and how disappointed she would be if he wasn’t there (their daughter is wonderful and didn’t say anything of the kind to me about this!)

My partner will be attending a family wedding on their side on my birthday this year, I will be very heavily pregnant and want to spend a quiet birthday doing something nice with my son, but again there was a lot of pressure for my partner to bring our son along to the wedding to meet all his extended family (he would not understand the concept of this in the slightest and would have no one to take care of him at bedtime so would end up having to stay up for the reception at less than a year and a half old!)

No harm in waiting and seeing how you get on. I simply wasn't someone who could pull off coming up with wholesome activities that I could do one handed with a toddler whilst breastfeeding. You might be better at this. If not though there's no harm in letting the grandparents help you.

Both of mine were easy babies, I didn’t really need much help, but having a supportive partner and willing hands was nice. Not everyone struggles OP, so don’t be afraid to own the situation. It’s so important that your eldest is with you and feels loved.

I did however wear my kids and co sleep, so perhaps they were just close to me and happy (plus a dose of luck).

Having read their requests, I don't think they're that unreasonable either. Your H could come home from the wedding early and take your son. It does seem a bit like you are gate keeper to them accessing him. Why hasn't he already met extended family at 19 months?

I have sympathy with your birth issues, I had a badly infected section wound that didn't heal for 5 months, but I had to get out and do stuff.

Agree .

@Hercisback1 the wedding is 80 miles away, my partner will be leaving early and returning the next day. That’s where all his extended family live and even taking that into account my son has met aunts, uncles and cousins from that side. He has seen them as many times as his dad has since he’s been born. We’re talking about extended, extended family

Sounds like they're trying to make a larger role for themselves. I'd thank them for their offers and just say you'll let them know if you need their help. Have a conversation with dh before the birth to remind him that you will want ultimate say over any arrangements when baby is here and you'd appreciate him managing his parents requests and expectations as your focus will be on baby and toddler, not people pleasing.

Is your DS their only DGC Op, do they feel this is their last chance to be involved grandparents? Either way it's the telling you what they'll do rather than asking you that's the cause of your unease.
Your DH needs to gently remind them that if you need help you'll ask, it's not on to tell you.

Oh dear, as an impending grandmother I really feel like there's no way of winning based off MN threads. Offer to help and babysit and you're being controlling and overbearing, don't offer and you're cold and uncaring. Thankfully in the real world most people I know manage relationships with grandparents just fine based off common sense and mutual kindness/flexibility with no need to ban anyone from the house or go no contact or anything like that.

Like others have said I don't think there's anything they've said that objectively sounds bad , maybe it's hormones or maybe knowing them you're legitimately reading more into what they've said but to me they sound like caring, helpful grandparents. For instance the toy thing, when they're little babies they don't need much and anything they do need parents can bring with them but once they're toddling it's a godsend to have a something to occupy them while adults eat or chat (even if they're never there without a parent), otherwise they rampage around pulling things over on themselves or shouting or needing constant attention from mum or dad. I don't think that's weird at all, most involved grandparents I know have a few things which live at their house, saves mum and dad having to gather up and transport around loads of toys. I don't really see why it would an issue?

Likewise the offer to look after your older child while you're in labour with the second, again totally normal offer, you don't have to take them up on it. I'm sure they didn't mean they want to be in the room while you're naked/crowning and screaming! No need to make a big deal of the fact you'd rather have someone else and it's good to have a back-up option in case your best friend is for some reason unavailable, I'd just thank them nicely and say you've got a couple of different options for childcare, once the baby's born you can just let them know s/he's here safe and I'm sure the happiness of a new baby will outweigh any disappointment about not being first choice!

And like others have said I really wouldn't burn your bridges with regard to the offer of helping out once baby's here, again no need to take them up on it if you find you don't want to and I guess maybe their assumption you definitely will struggle is a bit annoying but two under two really, really is hard going for a lot of people so I wouldn't say they're miles off the mark, I do think there will likely come a time when you're quite grateful for them to take your toddler to the park for a bit rather than begrudgingly allowing it to them as their right...

TBH they don't sound that nice at all. It all seems to be on their terms and the taking a crying baby out of the room to stop the mum taking them back seems to be the go-to move of overbearing and overstepping MILs on here.

Inviting you to family events, even evening ones that aren't really suitable for a baby, is fine, putting on pressure when you say no, really isn't fine.

Stick to your guns. Don't be pressured into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable.

If your H is staying, why can't the 19 month old? Perhaps you're being entirely reasonable, however you're either so pregnant you can't go because labour is imminent (so why is DH going?) or you're using it as a bit of an excuse to keep your child away.

This comment just makes it sound like you’re a control freak and that’s why you
don't want them to help.

2 kids is busy, let them help unless you have actual concerns.

Keep your boundaries and don't care when they're pressuring you. Don't fall for guilt trips.

No to having them in your home while you're giving birth. You need a peaceful calm environment, not spectators.

"We'll let you know if we need help."

Your husband might have to have a talk with them if they ramp up the pressure to do things how they want instead of how you want. Pushing and pushing unwanted help is an effort to exert control.

Where's your dp in all this?

@maxelly perhaps though as an impending grandparent your judgement is slightly blurred also? Would you genuinely feel aggrieved if once your grandchild is born you see them regularly, are able to take them out, have dinner cooked for you when you visit, are kept up to date with photos and messages and treated completely equally to the other side of the child’s family? Never in a blue moon would I go no contact with any of my child’s family, we all liaise each week to figure out the best day (for them) to visit and they stay for as long as they want. Would you not be able to differentiate in this scenario between offering help and pressurised assumptions?

@Hercisback1 labour will be imminent, but I don’t want my partner to miss it so he is going, but why should I not spend my birthday with my child when the alternative is for him to be passed around great uncles and aunts and second and third cousins whilst everyone is drinking and be kept up until midnight whilst overtired and overstimulated without his mother there, would you be ok doing that? I honestly can’t imagine what benefit that would be to him, can you?