How to nicely manage grandparents’ expectations

[MaltipooMama]

I was to pre-face this by saying that everyone across our two families get on really well, no fall outs, no animosity, nothing at all like that, I just want some advice on how to delicately navigate this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings!

I currently have a toddler who will be 19 months by the time our second child arrives, he has always had a lovely relationship with his grandparents (my partner’s parents. We aren’t married but for ease I’ll use the IL acronym) and sees them regularly. This normally looks like 3 hours a week when they’ll come over to visit, and they were also here for over five hours on Sunday, I cooked a big Easter roast, they took him to the part etc so from my perspective I think they get a great deal of time with him (although I’m sure people will come along to tell me I’m wrong 😂). They’ve never babysat as he is in paid childcare three days a week and at home with his dad and I for the rest of the week. I do protect my own time with him as it was a massive change him starting nursery and I miss him tremendously since my time with him was cut in half following my return to work. To add, this is more than he sees my family which is normally 1-2 hours a week so there’s no power struggle there.

So herein lies my question, I’ve noticed a few things have been said by his grandmother that have sent little alarm bells through me, and at 7.5 months pregnant I need to know if my protective instinct is kicking in or if I’m right to feel this way. Here are a few examples of things have have been said by ILs:

When the newborn arrives, we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)
When you go into labour we’ll be here to help (with the oldest), now I’m having a homebirth and have already organised for my best friend to be here whilst I’m in the late stages of labour to stay with our son as she is who I’m most comfortable with being here if I’m shouting upstairs or walking around in a robe!
We’ll keep some toys here for when they both come over
You’ll need a lot more help when the second child arrives

I appreciate the above may not seem like a lot in isolation, but coupled in with they already don’t feel like they spend enough time with him and are desperate for overnight stays, to babysit etc I’m concerned that me having a second child is going to make them feel like they have a window to increase control with my son. My partner’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) was virtually a third parent to him and he would see her almost daily, she babysat a lot, and was heavily involved in his life so to their family this is the normal way a grandparent would be, but for me the concept is totally alien.

How can I manage expectations delicately and nicely so that I’m not going to get a barrage of requests and assumptions once my second child arrives? To add, although my partner would be happy with the level of contact his parents require, he respects the fact that I’m not comfortable with this and wouldn’t push me to do anything, however he’s never there when his mother has these conversations with me so isn’t able to step in. His mother is also very persistent and will often say the same thing/ask the same question in multiple ways and try and get an answer there and then. She’s a lovely person, she can just be quite overwhelming which I struggle with as my family tend to let me take the lead on things like this so I’m not used to this approach!

And OP says the toddler is non-walking. She’s underestimating how exhausting life can be with the second baby. There’s no ‘rest when baby naps’ when you’ve got a 19 month old.

With respect, they know much more than you do about what's about to happen. They're offering their help, let them.

I would love for the grandparents to be involved in my child's life (assuming they aren't addicts or otherwise dangerous influence). The more to love my child the merrier!

He is your child, You’re allowed to say no. These grandparents you’re trying hard to please have probably said no many times to other people before when they were new parents. They probably offended their own parents many times without a second glance.
Remember , their generation are different to ours. From what I’ve seen they’re more blunt and assertive than our generation. They ask for what they want regardless. Don’t be afraid to say “no thank you,” keep smiling, don’t worry. They’ll survive!! If they have a problem it’s their problem not yours. Our generation needs to stop trying to people please so much. This is written from a person with similar experience to you.

How your DP was raised made him the man he is today.
There's boundaries, but you seem to be obsessed about control.

They raised your partner and love your kids, that's a blessing.
Stop looking at it as a negative and cross those bridges when you get to them.

You seem to think you know better, cut them some slack.

Burden is a turn of phrase, doesn't mean the child is a burden, but what comes with it.
The sleepless nights, the jealous sibling, the laundry, cooking etc.

What if your baby has special needs/they or you need to go into hospital/ pnd etc?

Kicking a gift horse in the mouth comes to mind.

this is the kind of language my MIL used, lots of offers of help I didn’t think I needed, taking the kids so I could have a “rest” when like you I always prided myself on being independent and capable etc. which is fine as far as it goes. Just be careful you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face and also remember what your kids get out of that relationship with the Gps too. My children have an extremely special relationship with my MIL- each a different one. She has been a huge part of their lives, a moral force, someone to confide in. It’s not just about your needs or what the gps want, it is also about the relationship your children will have with them if you let that flourish.

This. Just thank them for the offer but then move on to another topic, so it never gets into anything tangible

In terms of who looks after your toddler during labour, that's an easy one - don't tell them when you are going into labour! Just the happy call afterwards;). Or, get your DH to tell them you've already asked your friend to do this and why.

I would also make the point about how much you are looking forward to maternity leave, to spend more time with your oldest also. I completely get your point about your sadness and missing them when you back to work. My maternity leaves were about spending time with ALL my kids, not just the baby.

That being said, whilst I am very protective of my time with my kids when I can be there (so I don't want the GP around too much then), in the times when in any case I CAN'T be there, because I am working, I would much rather my kids were with family (people who love and want to be with them) than paid childcare. So personally, I would give them more of that childcare time, and not the times when you are there and it is taking from your family time, if that makes sense. If you want to keep your child in 3 days a week, then maybe it's an occasional evening of babysitting if you and DH want to go out. We also used the GP a lot when the children were school age, to avoid the after school clubs (exhausting for young kids). So GP pick our children up a few days a week on the days we are both working, and look after them from say 3.30 to 6pm when we get home. And can also do the ferrying to sporting activities on those days.

I would let them buy some toys for their house though, that's no skin off your nose, and kids love having different toys in different places.

The wedding thing would be an absolute NO from me, they are very clearly not putting the needs of the child first (or indeed of their son, who will also not be able to enjoy the wedding).
Just say very firmly that it is not good for the child (or even better, get DH to say it to them).

It’s really easy really. Just ask whether help is needed and what kind of help.

often times grandparents such as OPs ILs are not thinking about helping the mother but enjoying time with their grandchild. Which is fine but that’s their own desire madkef as help.

OP I totally get it. For the birth of my child all help offered by grandparents was also taking the baby and babysitting. Eleven days old wanting to take a Walk with him etc. they never asked what help we or I actually needed and also enforced their visit to us after the hospital even when we had communicated before that we would let them know when I was feeling well enough.

Its not that their behavior is outrageously bad but it’s egocentrism masked as help and boundary crossing. Help is only help of it’s really helping the people that receive it.

my friends offered help and said they would do whatever I needed - cooking meals or washing a load of laundry and hanging it up. I only accepted some meals and was happy. It meant so much that they cared about what we needed. Not what they wanted. That’s all the difference it makes.

I think a weekly 3 hour visit is more than enough, and possibly too much when you have two young kids.

Are there expectations of you cooking when they visit?

Hi @MaltipooMama

May I suggest a sand/water table to have at the ILs home? Just going off what you said about DS loving messy play and you're unsure if he goes in a playpen, TV etc...... I'm sure the GP will enjoy that too? Maybe lol ??? x

I get your concerns OP my il’s lived 2 miles down the road and had a habit of popping round to see the kids unannounced, usually inconvenient times for me such as dinner time!
However they both died young and my kids only had them around until they were 4 and 6, my dd especially has missed spending time with them as she’s grown up and often talks about the sleepover she had with her gm before she passed.
I think your hormones are making you overthink things, nothing they have said sounds like they are overstepping the mark. Just tell them your friend will be here for the birth but you will let them know if you need help with the eldest.
Like many have said having a baby and toddler is hard and you may well appreciate their help so take it if you need it.

OP, you could be talking about my in-laws. The same ‘subtle’ pressure, taking over and trying to be a surrogate parent. I remember crying in the car before my second child was born, saying to myself that my baby was mine and I didn’t want them taking her away. With both first and second babies they were in the delivery room before I’d even had my cup of tea.

I really regret seeing less of my own parents just to appease the in-laws.

Sadly, the issue really boils down to your comment about them having more control of your child.

your Ill feel they are family and clearly that family are just involved with one another’s lives, because you’re family

that is clearly not your viewpoint of them as you wrote “control”. Not friending time with family and just being together. You don’t see family the same way they do

you’re not comfortable with them. Your friend is more of a comfort to you than your partner’s mom and dad. Who clearly wish you would be or feel they are to you. You’re just not that comfortable with them.

how sad

but you’re very entitled to how you feel.

your partner should go have a discussion about your boundaries and your feelings.

you have already sorted out who will care for your oldest as you’re giving birth, it is your friend.

Detail when they’re permitted to come and visit your new baby and can offer support to your partner and to you. Don’t forget, your partner is their child.

They’re likely used to being part of his life and involved so he needs to tell them this is no more as his family now is with you and your children. They’re invited guests as and when.

your partner should advise them that you prefer to have as much time with your children as possible and do not require nor want their help or support caring for the children.

that you’ll specify when you’re up for guests and they could drop in to see you, the children and their son when you feel up for guests. That their help in the home is not needed.

Just to check though, is your partner happy with these boundaries too? He is also parent to these children. does he feel the need to share the joys of his children with his parents too? Or feel there is no help needed in the home or with your eldest child once you have the new baby? Can he cope with supporting you on his own while refusing the offers of help from his own mother?

I just cannot tell you how happy I am that I have daughters who enjoy having me in their lives, sharing good times and asking for help when needed as well as just enjoying one another’s company. Damn when I read these posts I’m so grateful for every invitation my kids give me to hang out, every time they pop over just because and that they want me (and my DH, their dad) involved in their lives.

my heart is breaking for your partner’s parents.

Don’t burn your bridges!! I would keep it open and just say you’re not ready to send your kid overnight yet. It’s nice that they are keen to help, but equally you’re entitled to boundaries.

Having 2 is a different ball game, and you may want to go out with your husband one evening in a couple of years time when you are out of the baby phase. They need to be patient and you need to be more open to accepting help.

Also, are you sure you want your child in the house while you are having a home birth? What if something goes wrong? I’d much rather send him to the grandparents and have a little space to give birth without worrying what your child is hearing or getting up to! Each to their own I guess…

Confess to have only read your original post but I would have given my right arm for the kind of help being offered to you. Had a very challenging baby though.

I agree with @tempname1234 your use of the word “control” is very telling in how you feel about them, and I agree it seems sad as they do sound like they are just wanting to be involved supportive and fun grandparents. I can understand where you’re coming from too to an extent though I naturally probably view things more from the grandparents side in this personally.

I think a lot of this probably ultimately comes down to a generational clash and yes perhaps a clash in what “family” means and how it operates etc. I very much come from a family like your partner’s where we are all still the “children” into our forties, and my mother is definitely the family matriarch, we are mostly happy enough with it and don’t challenge the structure though occasionally my mum gets annoyed that everyone expects her to coordinate us all.

One of my sisters though I think sometimes feels a bit like you that my mum is overbearing or wanting to be overly involved/spend too much time with her kids at the expense of their own family life etc. And it’s true that my mum would love nothing more than if she sent her kids to stay with her for a month 🤣 How it seems to go though is that she’ll keep my mum (and all of us really) at arms length for a period of time but will then tend to call and beg my mum to come over and help as she can get overwhelmed. It makes us all a bit sad that we don’t get to see as much of the kids as we’d ideally like (and often at a time and place of her choosing) or buy them the stuff we’d like to buy them etc, but we respect her choices and she does seem to be loosening up a bit on it all as time goes on and she has more children 🤣

Anyway, I do think there has been a generational shift in parenting which the older generation can find very alien and hard to understand, from feeling that kids fit in with your life as a parent to your life as a parent revolving around your kids basically, with more emphasis on strict routines rather than flexibility especially for important family occasions, and thinking of what will benefit your child most in every situation as you asked about the wedding situation etc, instead of adhering to a social contract as a parent which says your kids get wheeled out on important family occasions as representations of the younger generation to bring a bit of joy to everyone, and especially their grandparents should expect some decent time with them, whether it’s strictly in their own best interests or indeed in yours as a parent etc. A bit of give and take on both sides of this generational divide is probably required.

You’re not wrong to want to set a boundary now if you’re worried about them getting overstepped however well-meaning. It is entirely possible (thinking of my mum!) that they are secretly hoping you’ll suddenly decide you can’t possibly cope without them and need them to have the grandkids round at theirs all the time etc. once the second child comes along. They’re framing it as “support” for you to an extent (though it is this too and they probably genuinely want to offer this too) because they already know if they try to argue it would be “fun” for them to have overnight stays etc you’ll argue it’s no benefit to your child and they’ll be out of routine etc.

I would definitely let them know you’ve already spoken to your friend about helping while your having the baby, and that although you are so grateful for their support and happy for them to spend time with both kids, you may need a bit of time and space to figure out what sort of help is going to work best for you all. Your partner needs to be telling them the same thing (presuming he is ok with the status quo). I would maybe throw them a bone and suggest that your child has an occasional sleepover with them as a special treat for them both? I can see how from your point of view they have plenty time with them but it’s not the same as having the kids on your own turf overnight and “unsupervised/unjudged” by the parents and kind of takes some of the fun out of grandparenting?

I’d have a think about some help which would make a huge difference to you but which doesn’t require them sitting in your house 😉

Could they nip to the shops for you, track down some specific things you need, make a meal and bring it over etc?

Grandparents hoping their children won't be able to cope with their own children so they'll need to be called in to help is awful, and so selfish because it's all about them wanting more time with their grandchildren, vs wanting their grandchildren to have the best possible bond with their parents.