How to nicely manage grandparents’ expectations

[MaltipooMama]

I was to pre-face this by saying that everyone across our two families get on really well, no fall outs, no animosity, nothing at all like that, I just want some advice on how to delicately navigate this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings!

I currently have a toddler who will be 19 months by the time our second child arrives, he has always had a lovely relationship with his grandparents (my partner’s parents. We aren’t married but for ease I’ll use the IL acronym) and sees them regularly. This normally looks like 3 hours a week when they’ll come over to visit, and they were also here for over five hours on Sunday, I cooked a big Easter roast, they took him to the part etc so from my perspective I think they get a great deal of time with him (although I’m sure people will come along to tell me I’m wrong 😂). They’ve never babysat as he is in paid childcare three days a week and at home with his dad and I for the rest of the week. I do protect my own time with him as it was a massive change him starting nursery and I miss him tremendously since my time with him was cut in half following my return to work. To add, this is more than he sees my family which is normally 1-2 hours a week so there’s no power struggle there.

So herein lies my question, I’ve noticed a few things have been said by his grandmother that have sent little alarm bells through me, and at 7.5 months pregnant I need to know if my protective instinct is kicking in or if I’m right to feel this way. Here are a few examples of things have have been said by ILs:

When the newborn arrives, we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)
When you go into labour we’ll be here to help (with the oldest), now I’m having a homebirth and have already organised for my best friend to be here whilst I’m in the late stages of labour to stay with our son as she is who I’m most comfortable with being here if I’m shouting upstairs or walking around in a robe!
We’ll keep some toys here for when they both come over
You’ll need a lot more help when the second child arrives

I appreciate the above may not seem like a lot in isolation, but coupled in with they already don’t feel like they spend enough time with him and are desperate for overnight stays, to babysit etc I’m concerned that me having a second child is going to make them feel like they have a window to increase control with my son. My partner’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) was virtually a third parent to him and he would see her almost daily, she babysat a lot, and was heavily involved in his life so to their family this is the normal way a grandparent would be, but for me the concept is totally alien.

How can I manage expectations delicately and nicely so that I’m not going to get a barrage of requests and assumptions once my second child arrives? To add, although my partner would be happy with the level of contact his parents require, he respects the fact that I’m not comfortable with this and wouldn’t push me to do anything, however he’s never there when his mother has these conversations with me so isn’t able to step in. His mother is also very persistent and will often say the same thing/ask the same question in multiple ways and try and get an answer there and then. She’s a lovely person, she can just be quite overwhelming which I struggle with as my family tend to let me take the lead on things like this so I’m not used to this approach!

People who rephrase a question in different ways are not lovely. It's a manipulative technique to wear you down, and see if you have the energy to consistantly reinforce the boundry you have set.

@QforCucumber that sounds fabulous but I have never ever been offered that kind of help (which is fine as I don’t expect it), but the help is, and has always been, taking my son or babysitting him. So again as I’ve mentioned, I would like to find my feet with my two children before organising for them to take him off my hands, because I don’t want him to experience a new sibling and suddenly being away more often simultaneously. I’d like to have a chance to experience my own capabilities before any assumptions are made. I really do maintain that this is a fair request and despite some of the comments I’m really confident that this doesn’t make me a bad person.

I was just speaking to my friend who will be here for the home birth who said a similar thing to you, and as an example I cited the Easter roast that I made, and when everyone had left we tackled a kitchen full (and I mean FULL) of washing up which took us 40 minutes to clear 😂 so that kind of help isn’t something they’re accustomed to providing and I would never dream of asking as they’re guests in our home. They even said “oh sorry we’re leaving you with loads of work to do” which of course was met with a “that’s ok it’s not a problem we’re happy to do it, I’m just happy you enjoyed the meal” and I guess it’s things like this that give me confidence that actually I treat them quite nicely!

Personally I would be gentle with the GPs. They don’t sound terrible and you might want some help at some point.

Of course if your home birth goes perfectly your plan with the friend is great. But if you are rushed into hospital or need a C section or, well… who knows… you may need nearby family to help you in some way or another. Shopping, lifts, childcare etc all become rather useful in the less ideal circumstances. Obviously I hope that does not happen.

And parenting is a long game. You may at this point never want an overnight stay but one day, say you and your partner get invited to an event and the GPs take the kids for a night that might be rather good. Or way down the line when they are both at school wanting to do different activities opposite sides of town an extra family member to do drops off or pick up is the absolute best.

See for me the Easter example would have been the perfect time to use your voice and say "come on Bob, you're on drying, I'll wash and Vera puts away". You're directing the help to where you want it.

You do sound nice and kind to them in lots of ways.

@Hercisback1 but interestingly I really wouldn’t ever want them to feel like they need to do this unless they choose to, I chose that example purely in reply to the pp explaining what help she was given and I wanted to clarify that that’s not the type of help we’d receive. When they visit I want them to use the time to enjoy with their grandson and son, and of course I’m always very present and engage in conversation with everyone too. So for me I don’t have any bad feelings towards them for not doing these things, I’m just trying to be clear on what their help typically would entail. Likewise when everyone came for dinner and sat on all the chairs, I sat on the floor (pregnant with a bad back and all!) so that everyone had a seat, again only a little thing but I always want to be hospitable and make them feel comfortable. I didn’t complain about no one offering me a chair, just had a bit of a laugh with my friend about it afterwards.

Thank you that’s very kind of you though, I really do like to think so too!

I completely understand this OP. My partner and I have a sort of similar dynamic. I’m one of 4, moved out from south to north aged 18, have lived abroad, am partial to a deposit from bank of mum and dad but don’t rely on it, whereas he didn’t move out till much later, his parents are always trying to offer us money / have paid for holidays when we go with them which is lovely and I’m sure is just their way of doing things but I’m so independent it does make me feel uncomfortable.

also my partner used to live opposite his grandparents and was heavily involved in their lives (which is LOVELY and I loved them all deeply) but my grandmothers all live abroad. It certainly is a different dynamic and there is a cultural difference too so I get it and I hear you. You’re clearly trying to be respectful and not burn any bridges whilst advocating for yourself which is a good thing.

I think saying something is so much better than not saying anything - I feel I was a bit of a doormat when I had my dc which just led to resentment. I think those early days when you’re hormonal and trying to get to grips with everything are so hard and personally I found the ILS most challenging in that time. I’m sure nothing they said or did was malicious it’s hard to not take things personally though. With time everything sorted itself out and I love watching my dc with their grandparents.

What I would say is that them saying things like “we have bought them presents for when they spend time here” is more likely them just being v excited. The comments they’re making about helping you when the burden of the second one is coming along is probably really them wanting to say they really want to spend time with both children and their way of offering to help you. I appreciate what other PPs have said it would be better if they asked what help you’d need / want - but some people just haven’t got that tact.

I would suggest having some stock phrases you can go to when something is suggested if you’re not there and making sure partner is repeating them too. “We can’t wait for you to meet them, but the first week or we just want to make sure DC feels comfortable so will be spending lots of time together as a family of four”

”thanks so much for your offer to help. I really want them to have a lovely bond with all their grandparents and can’t wait to see that. To start with I may just need a bit of time just us four so I can get to grips with everything / recover / get some sleep” -

It sounds like both your children are v lucky to have lots of people that love them in their lives!
congrats on babies x

I would tread carefully. To be clear the type of involvement between parents and adult children you are describing is mad to me, and I would never want that for myself, and I see why you are a bit apprehensive. However, you realistically have years and years of parenting left and getting a bit of support does not invalidate your independence. I am doing OK without help - I have to because we live very far from family, but I'd rather have somebody to take care of my DD from time to time, even if I disagreed with some stuff like amount of TV.

@MaltipooMama ah yes it is a different approach completely. I was very like you (but sadly not out of choice) I left home at 19, have no family I am in contact with due to historical abuse. When I met dh 15 years ago his family became mine, he is one of 4 so his mum knew just how I’d be feeling coming home and has definitely been there for me, rather than the Disney side of it so yes absolutely see your point.

maybe if they did the dirty work, then you’d be more than happy for them to be more involved in the fun too!

I would be careful about how you manage this, going from 1-2 can be a big jump and you might appreciate their help more than you think.

It can, but it can also be absolutely fine. It has been for me, with a similar age gap, and we don't have nursery too. We haven’t needed any help, or wanted any.

It’s reasonable to set expectations so they’re not disappointed; but also keep things happy enough that you can ask for extra help if you need it. I’d suggest the most important thing will be keeping things as similar as possible for the older child - lots of grandparent contact that doesn’t usually happen won’t do that.

I think you sound so lovely, but I agree with everyone else that says you are reading far too much into this.

”oh you want to help when I’m in labour? That’s so great, thanks. I will give my friend Jane, who is helping with the home birth, your number and she will get in touch with you if in the hopefully unlikely event that I need to go to hospital”

”you want to help more when the new baby is here? I’m so pleased to know that I can tell you when I need anything”

”it will be lovely for the children to have toys at your house when we all visit together, I can’t wait to enjoy a cup of tea with you while they’re busy playing!”

”no, I don’t need Eldest Child babysat this week as we’re busy doing blah blah blah, but he’s so excited to see you on blah blah”

If they get upset, your husband can deal with it. Just always be kind, grateful, light and breezy, but you absolutely don’t have to accept any help that you don’t want.

Smile and nod
Its a lovely sentiment. You might need or want them.
Count your blessings.

Just be grateful that your children will be having quality time with grandparents who love them - it’s like gold dust. You need to think about your own insecurities about sharing your children with their grand parents.

So essentially they offered lots of help first time round and you’ve accepted what you need? I’d think the same will be true again- they are offering as much help as you need, letting you know that nothing is too much, basically. It sounds like you’ll be able to decide how much help you need again, once number two arrives.

They sound so lovely, I don’t think you need to worry but just be grateful that you have people to help!

You sound lovely and as a mum to a son I’d love to have you as a DIL.

as regards to your original question, I think it’s as much about manner of delivery as what you are saying, as a way to kindly keep your boundaries.

if you are warm and considerate towards them and express gratitude when you feel it, it’s fine to kindly reject offers of help. So something like ‘MIL thank you so much for the offer, we are so lucky to have you. I think we are probably ok on that front at the moment, but we are looking forward to seeing you on x day’.

Just dig deep to say no when you want to and also accept help when you want to, also.

I think you are being a bit over sensitive here. Personally I found the jump for 1-2 absolutely brutal, my husband is self employed and went back to work long days 3 days post c section with my second and I would have absolutely loved anyone to say any of those things to be and offer support. Your older child will be absolutely fine spending more time with them.d

Oops wrong thread.

Be gentle. They are only being nice. Wait and see how it pans out. Try not to overthink or anticipate.

You have to start saying things like:

‘we are sorted regarding childcare for the rest of the week but if plans change you will be our first port of call’ OR ‘could you look after the children from 3-6pm on Friday’ OR ’we don’t need help with childcare but it would be great if you could make us a lasagne’

failing the above your partner needs to have a word with them and tell them they are overstepping the mark a bit and you both want to get used to your new situation. Don’t fall out with them as you may well need them.

Something I didn’t realise going from 1 to 2 was how much I would miss quality time with my eldest and how frantic I would feel when I wanted to enjoy the baby bubble with my eldest.

I’d be non committal about needing help but polite enough that it the offer won’t be rescinded purely so you could benefit from quality time with each child.

Grandparents really can’t win can they?

we’ll be around a lot to help ease the burden (side note: I do not consider my second child a burden!!)

Be careful not to be picking to look for bad intent. They just meant that you will potentially have a lot more to juggle when your baby arrives. Yet you interpreted that as them calling your baby a ‘burden’…
Be careful not to see them as worse than they actually are.

"Whereas my partner and his sister’s upbringing was entirely different, their parents gave them their house deposit money until they both moved out in their 30s, they’ve picked and bought cars for them, they track their savings accounts and the interest they make and suggest they switch if there’s a better account, if anything needs doing their first port of call is to contact their parents to help, and generally the parents have a lot of contribution when it comes to their children’s decisions."

OK now this bit does make them sound horribly overbearing, particularly when you add in this:

"But it is that tbh, they very much treat their own children still as children, remind them to do everything, organise everything for them, tell them to text their aunts and uncles to say thank you for cards they’ve received, organise visits for my partner and his sister to see each other etc."

It's a bit much but I think the only way to avoid a falling out is as others have said, gently but politely push back each time. Yes, it's annoying to constantly have to repeat yourself but hey, it'll prepare you very well for the next few years of motherhood!

I don't think you need to manage it yet you cna just see whta happens when baby is actually here. If you don't want help OH can say things like 'were having some family time right now' 'we want to keep DC1 in his routine for now' 'we're enjoying this time together so don't need babysitting yet, will let you know qhne we do'.

Maybe say that.. oh thank you for the offer oll bare it in mind. I'm hoping to give myself a few weeks to find my feet and see what we will need and I really appreciate that open offer of help I'll let you know what I need when I figure it out

I would say thank you for your offer and we will definitely ask you if we need the help.

That way you aren’t saying no but it’s on you to ask them.

I'd say exactly this,that you want to find your feet first thank them for offering but to let you and your partner lead on this .