He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

Thank you for your unnecessary input

And what was OP meant to do in the middle of lockdown if – say – her partner was not full steam ahead for conception during that time? Leave? Start waving at prospective suitors in the park, on her walk, in her mask?

It was also nigh on impossible to get your coil removed during the pandemic.

The PP was saying if OP ‘really’ wanted kids she’d have pushed it sooner. Point is there are loads of perfectly reasonable considerations that might have seen that put on pause.

If having children is a deal breaker to you, waiting and waiting for someone to be on the same page isn’t the best when you are in your 30’s approaching your 40’s. Especially if you’ve been with someone a long time (8 years)

Life is never perfect, bad things always happen and situations arise. If you want children and you’re fertile window is running out you try your hardest to make that priority

So yes, if it’s something neither of you can agree on and you know your fertility is running out then you do have to stick or twist. OP clearly loves her DP which is why she stayed but now she has to make the same choice stick or twist at 41

You’re strongly implying he’s depressed. Ticking clock or not that’s a terrible time for someone to become a parent.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill.

I can't really understand why this has all come up now? Aside from talking about wanting kids hypothetically in the early days, he told you over two years ago that he didn't want to try for a baby, you accepted it and went on the pill, what was your plan at that time?.. to put it off in the hope he would change his mind?

If that was the case it was a massive gamble and unfortunately it hasn't paid off, you've had at least 10 conversations since where he has never changed his mind, and it has ended up in tears and upset, so it really isn't like he has now pulled the rug from under you.. it just sounds to me like you have only now accepted his decision is final and he's never going to change his mind, of course that is going to have an effect on you, but it doesn't seem like he has particularly misled you.

My 'D'P did this and eventually cheated on me and left.

Sorry hit send too soon. Take control. You are the captain of your ship, my point was don't leave it until something like what happened to me happens. Take control.

He has been extremely unreasonable and essentially wasted 8 years of your fertility, but I'm not sure what the answer is.

You absolutely should not railroad him into a baby he doesn't want. You then have to coparent with a resentful man for 18 years and there's a good chance you'll end up doing everything and burned out.

At 41, I can't see how you would find another partner and be settled enough for a baby before fertility becomes a serious issue.

If you want a baby and don't have one now, you are likely to regret it.

The best option I can think of is leaving, getting a donor, and planning to do it alone. It's not ideal.

So sorry to hear this happened :(

I think this is something OP needs to consider too.

Some posters have said ‘why throw away a relationship/man for a baby that might not happen’.

But he could very easily decide in 5 years he does want kids and leave her anyway.

OP has already gambled years of her fertility for this relationship and at 41 I think she needs to decide if she stays or goes and tries to have a baby via donor x

I think it’s a valid point to make, both to give insight into the DP’s PoV and to help OP if she chooses to stay and not have DC, which isn’t off the table esp given her choices up till now.

The post did slightly amuse me though as a potential slogan for Mumsnet.

Thanks, it was in a very similar relationship to this. I should have known better. 8 years (like op) and no marriage date and just general blocking of things. I should have left him and he waited until he had a monkey branch so to speak, it was awful but I know better now.

Do you think someone commenting “kids aren’t everything” on someone’s post is really going to change how OP feels, do you think in any way shape or form OP will find that helpful

It's a bit flippant though isn't it. Op says she wants kids and is 41, it's actually a pretty heartbreaking position. I agree that your post doesn't add anything does it?

You have a third option. You were using donor sperm anyway. You could continue fertility treatment without him.

I literally just said what I think it’s adding. If this was the kind of post where the OP had been ttc and failing and on that kind of journey then absolutely I think that post wouldn’t be okay. On this thread, where many people have questioned how much OP does want DC, with grounds, then as I’ve said I think it’s valid. Not to mention the fact that it is also true, even if many of us don’t feel that way.

The relationship would need to end for me. Even if you don't end up wirh a child, it would be better to be single, or to find someone else who you don't resent, or even hate.

The only really reasonable consideration was the inability to get the coil removed.

If your partner is not "full steam ahead" on TTC then they aren't "full steam ahead" on wanting a child, and you need to be able to have an honest conversation about what that means in terms of your future, you can have a temporary pause while life gets in the way and still have an actual plan for when you want to start TTC and still firmly agree that that is what you both want.. permanently putting excuses in the way, or actively ignoring the conversation, or outright saying no, is just a way of batting it into the long grass and it seems that OP and her partner are both guilting of doing that.

Tbf, I think facing childlessness it can be helpful to know that kids are not necessarily the be all and end all and there can be regret in both directions

Would you be happy as a single parent? Then if so go for it and find a clinic, do IVF and at your age screen your embryos with PGTA. I would jump straight in at 41. Clinics abroad are cheaper, quicker and if you need donor eggs have far more choice.

This man is a pos, he has deliberately exploited you and run down the clock, lied to you.

Completely agree.
Having a child with additional needs is a desperately difficult situation in your 40's.

I know of several accidents that happened to lovely families, a surprise 4th child.

It was a bomb dropped into their families and changed their lives completely.

Faced with that stress and endless worry, I would choose childlessness every time.

Women carry the overwhelming majority of the burden NOT men, in my experience.

I do think you have a point. I knew I wanted children and planned my life accordingly. By mid-20s I stopped casual dating and started looking for a long term partner who wanted the same things as me. I did have a few partners who either didn't want children or weren't sure and ended it there. Once I met my husband, we quite quickly got married and then immediately started trying for a baby. We had some fertility issues and started to plan around them, but we got lucky and my daughter was born when I was 30. My friends with children had similar journeys- it's something you have to commit to, work towards and structure your life around, especially by the time you are approaching 30.

I do think drifting along for 8 years through most of your 30s with a man who isn't sure what he wants indicates perhaps OP doesn't really want children THAT much.

This message is a depressing indictment as to numeracy skills in this country. That's not how percentages work at all.

If the statistic is true, within 10 months 40% percent would be pregnant. Of course as each month goes you get older and your odds get slightly worse, so the reality would probably be a slightly below 40% chance.

Sorry, bringing my own issues to the party today! Kids really pissed me off today!
Sorry OP... ignore me x