He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

And with every pregnancy, the body is swamped (in a good way) with oestrogen. With breastfeeding, it’s keeping the body pregnancy ready.
most v different starting afresh at age 41.

I'm 41 too, and I'm pregnant now. But I've had ten miscarriages. I feel blessed to be at 17 weeks.

Op as pp said, come off the pill. You might need a couple of months for your body to reset. The first poster nailed it - the pill disagrees with you, so the ball must be in his court. Does he really want to leave after all you've built together, or is he just hurting from the events of the last few years.

You don't have much time now. Practically speaking, if you come through this and decide to try, I recommend the clear blue ovulation tracker.

Best wishes.

Bear in mind, 5 years ago the pandemic and lockdown started, then 3 years ago he lost a parent. Life happens. I wouldn’t just assume it’s complacency.

I can understand you are upset and focusing on trying for a baby or not but have you truly thought about what sort of parent he would be anyway? You’ve described an eight year project with him to get him to a place of greater happiness in his life (and he’s still struggling by the sounds of it) do you really want to take on ‘project make him a decent dad’ as well?

Because you’d resent him even more and that’s even without the fact you’ve poured all this love time and attention into him for the last eight years while he timed you out fertility wise.

If you also look at this thread, there are a lot of people (unhelpfully imo) urging OP not to worry as she‘s easily got until her mid-40s! 🙈 If everyone left it till their mid-40s, there’d be a lot of very disappointed, very regretful people.

Yep this! V different prospect going for your first in your 40s.

What has the pandemic and lockdown got to do with trying for a baby?

I think you have to decide what your priority is.
Do you want to leave him and try to have a child? Would you have a child alone?
Will you ever be able to forgive him for this if you stay with him and accept no children or will it just break the relationship further down the line when your chances for children are even lower?
It sounds like based on the timeline of having the coil removed that he first specified being unsure about having children over 2 years ago. That was when you should have really nailed down the conversation, letting this drag on for several more years when he was showing signs of not being 100% on board for kids was a mistake, he always has the luxury of time, you don't and after having been together for 6 years, you should both have been on the same page and able to have mature and honest conversations about it. Instead he's strung you along and you've allowed it.

Use your imagination!

I get that life happens but any woman who wants kids (says she always has) and is with a long-term partner doesn't wait till 41 for this realisation. They don't come off the coil to TTC at 39 and then agree to go back on the pill. These are active choices not to have a baby and to say 'my age is against me somewhat' is very different to the women on here who long for a DC at that age (sometimes a second or third DC on those threads where a DP doesn't want another) and have already tried IVF and are so desperate they'll leave their husband. Even with covid and his parent, this would have shot up the priority list by 40, above getting engaged, getting the house etc. I could understand it if she'd not met DP until late 30s, but to have been together so long and still be on contraception... I'm just questioning the narrative that this is him pulling the rug vs both of them have ignored the ticking clock. As PP says, it's not his ticking clock anyway and he can change his mind down the line so OP needs to take her own lead not his.

The uncertainty put alot of people off.
I know several who lost jobs, businesses. It was all furlough and payrises

5 years ago, during the pandemic, they’d been together 4 years. Plenty of time to have started trying for a baby before then. & I’m assuming a couple together 4 years will have holed up together during the pandemic even if they hadn’t been living together by that point.

Plenty of “pandemic babies” from couples holed up together with nowhere together and nothing else to do! So utterly irrelevant to OPs situation.

He also lost a parent 3 years ago. So 6 years after being together.

I always wavered. Got pregnant very quickly then decided I didn’t want a child. Now have two and adore them. If I was you I would stop talking about it and, if you definitely want a child, I’d try to get pregnant. He will probably be very happy to be a dad. I wouldn’t normally suggest this to anyone but he does sound like he wants a child but is scared of being a dad.

Oh it is for the baby, the ex is furious watching us play happy families with “her” child. It must be difficult for her.

Lots to bear in mind and consider.

This is what I would do also in that situation- there is never a right time or situation imo so I would not worry about the romance of "finding the one" imo.

Your 41 ,it's a gamble either way
Come of your contraception and tell him it's his responsibility now .
You have a home you own half of
You could look at a sperm donor
He can't stop you getting pregnant with someone else ,so look in to other ways to have baby that don't involve him .
Sounds like the relationship is over anyway
And you haven't got time to wait untill the house is sold and you have somewhere else to live

I had a baby at 39 ,so 41 isn't that much older .
But definitely don't waste any more time waiting for him to agree
You need to get on with getting pregnant as a single mum
I'm married with 4 children,and having children gives me so much more joy and purpose than being married does ,I know which is more important to me ,and it's not a man

LTB. He's deliberately string you along until you've timed out before admitting he doesn't want children. He knows there's little chance of you meeting someone else in time to have them now. He's not as lovely as you think. It's also shitty that he doesn't want to take any responsibility for contraception yet gets annoyed at the side effects of yours.

TBH if you really want kids, come off the pill and don't tell him. Don't even tell him you're pregnant if you don't want, if you think he'll cause trouble and won't be interested. He's been low towards you, you may as well join him there. The moral high ground isn't going to make you happy, just lonely.

For all those about to jump on me - yeh, I really do think this, I think it's not ideal but is ok and I'm not engaging in conversation with you about how you think I'm wrong.

Jees…. five years ago OP was 36. It’s totally fine to wait until 36 to have a baby.

I don’t know what the OP’s reasons have been for not pushing the issue at x point or in y year, but I don’t think that just because she didn’t try at 33 (the same year they met) or 34 or whenever that it immediately follows that she just didn’t want to have kids ‘enough’.

The start of lockdown and pandemic — for example – was a time of huge uncertainty and mental distress for a lot of people. Hospitals (where people have babies) were overwhelmed and also anxiety-inducing places in terms of infection. Yes of course babies carried on being born, no one is claiming otherwise. It was also impossible (or at least extremely difficult, depending on your means) to get a coil removed during this time.

Like a huge bereavement, this is just another example of a totally understandable happenstance that might have caused plans for kids to be put on pause.

In any case, why berate the OP for something she already feels anguish about.

But the fact is it MIGHT be too late. Until she tries she won’t know. While it’s very possible she might be able to conceive it certainly isn’t guaranteed. I started trying at 39 (almost 40) and I’ve never managed it. I’ve had 3 miscarriages over the past 5 years. But according to every fertility doctor I’ve seen it’s likely just my age. There is nothing actually wrong with either me or my husband. Everyone told me it wasn’t too late. But it was. The OP needs to know that while it may well be possible and she’ll conceive easily, there is also the chance she won’t. It’s also silly advice to tell someone not to worry about conceiving at 41. I have also been told my only chance would be donor eggs but we have decided against that. It’s something women over 40 need to keep in mind even if chances are they will conceive naturally.

Well neither of you are in the wrong. It’s fine for him to change his mind and also fine for you to not want to forego motherhood. You can potentially walk away and try to find somebody else / have a child on your own but the former risks not happening and not sure how you feel about the latter. You may not wish to throw away a good man on the gamble of being able to have a child. But then no point staying with somebody you resent.

Sorry I have no further advice as this is not an easy scenario at all. My heart goes out to you whatever you decide.

I want to echo what others have said in regards to this should of been more of a priority in your 30’s rather than at 41 but I guess it’s easier to say in hindsight isn’t it?

My advice is don’t waste time.

My colleague was in a situation like yours, her partner kept putting off and off children and then this and that happened and then decided when she was 42 he didn’t want kids at all. She stayed and they resented him, by the time they split she was 45 and couldn’t have kids.

At 41 I would consider going it alone and looking into donor. It depends how much you want to be a mother. The fact you say you find it hard watching friends with their kids shows me you want them badly,

Quite. Plenty of people lose family members, experienced the pandemic, have tough times.... and STILL have kids throughout.

If he wanted to, he would have.

I know it’s a stressful time and all this is hard to take in OP, hope you are ok

Kids aren't everything.... plenty of people regret having kids.