He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

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I really hope you're covered legally with the house ownership seeing as you're not married. Is the house in both your names? Have you ringfenced any deposit or financial contributions you've made towards it? Things could get really messy and expensive if you haven't legally protected yourself should you decide to split.

👆 Don’t do this, utterly ridiculous advice. Yes, he’s messed you about but if he doesn’t want kids then you can’t force him. There’s definitely still time for a sperm donor, just go through official channels.

You should have been having these conversations six years ago OP.

Thanks. I would never just come off the pill without saying so.

I am autistic but I hold down a professional (and high pressure) job. I function well but was definitely a late bloomer in terms of relationships, which is part of the issue and one of the things I regret in life. I grew up in a family with children with additional needs (my twin sister specifically) so I have no issues with that. I am capable of caring for a child on my own. I don’t want to be hated or resented any more than I want to hate or resent. I have a good support network around me if I were to need it. I don’t want to go as far as going through the heartache of IVF though (and, as others have said, the quality of the eggs diminishes. I’m clued up on all of this and am not kidding myself on that score). I won’t adopt on my own, even with family around me.

Perhaps what you need to do is sit down tonight and say to him what you've said here.

Let's stop preventing one rather than start trying. There's a fair chance it's not even possible but that you need to know.

If this is more about the firm commitment to make a decision either way, he might be more comfortable with letting the universe decide.

If that's not acceptable to him then I think you'll have a hard job moving past it. You could stay because the chances of a child are still small unless you go it alone (and even then far from guaranteed) but you can't build a successful relationship on resentment.

Sorry this must be hard to come to terms with.

@Boosey

There is no ideal for either. It’s about the complete picture.

I had my only child at 37 and am now the same age as OP, so no ageism or only child bias here!

However my child has a father in his life. We’ve been together over 15 years. We’re financially stable together but also as individuals.

OP would be on her own. No father or siblings for a child. Neither are necessary but you are leaving your child with a very limited support network, should anything happen to you, when you purposefully choose to bring a child into the world that way.

She’s only just recently been able to afford a home as part of couple but suddenly she’s to support herself and child on her own AND pay for immediate fertility treatment?

Having a child in your mid 40s (which is realistically what OP would be by the time everything shakes out, if it shakes out) isn’t just about her age, but what age and capacity are her parents at? Her child would have only one set of grandparents as a possible support network. 60s early 70s? Can they help run around after a toddler? Do they want to?

Is OP ok with coping with a child with a disability/SEN on her own as her chances of having a child with additional needs is much greater in her mid 40s.

Is OPs maternity package such that she can afford to take a year’s maternity and keep a roof over her and her child’s head? Or would the child have to go immediately into paid childcare? Can OP afford that on her own when she’s only just been able to afford a home WITH a partner in her 40s?

All I’m saying is “run out to a sperm bank literally TODAY, you don’t have a second to spare” is insane advice and it’s being given over and over. There are a million things OP should think about before going it alone with a strangers sperm.

People are only saying that as an option if having kids is the top priority for OP now. Obviously there’s lots to think about but she’s wanted DC for over 10 years and taken no action, so it’s fair to assume she’s done lots of thinking - and indeed from her update she clearly has considered many angles. It’s not insane to advocate for more urgency than has been evident to date. Time is a big factor here and there’ll be more time to think even if she did start the donor ball rolling today. It’s not deliveroo.

From what you've said, it sounds like he's a great match for you, aside from the baby issue.

Though I understand it's a huge disappointment to you, I hope you won't leave him over it, especially since it doesn't sound like you'd likely have or adopt a child anyway.

Counseling is a really good idea, in my opinion. It doesn't sound like he meant to deceive you, more that he was conflicted about it in his own mind and finally realized it just wasn't something he felt able to go through with.

And let's not forget, there are also many benefits to not having children, as I'm sure you know. More money and more freedom.

Best wishes to you, dear. I know this issue is a rough one.

To be honest, at your age, I would dump him and buy myself some high quality sperm from the sperm bank.

This will increase your odds.

Especially with his seriously selfish behaviour. He's not the partner for you

Would you be prepared to go it alone and become pregnant via AIS? He's made his choice about his fertility, you can make one about yours.

I see that all this time, despite not wanting kids, he has relied on you managing all the contraception when he could in fact have had a vasectomy to take responsibility for his wish to remain childfree. He has deceived you and badly. Just take control now and do what you want, for you.
I will however sound a note of caution: wanting a baby at 41 is one thing but it means having a 10 yr old when you're in or close to menopause and a 20 yr old to perhaps support through uni and getting on their feet as a young adult at a time when you may, due to being in your early 60s, struggle to find work that will allow you to support yourselves properly. That could all be quite tough on you. Whatever you decide, I agree that it would be very hard for you to stay with this man after he's led you a merry dance. He knew before Dec 24 that he didn't want kids and should have told you as soon as he realised your respective life plans had diverged so radically.

It’s true that your chances would be higher with sperm from a younger man tbh.

I know you say you don’t want to go down the route of fertility treatment OP and that’s a fair decision, but remember you can always get a consultation to discuss options and give food for thought. If you are near London and do decide to I can recommend someone, pm me if you want me to.

the OP doesn’t mention 90% of those factors. You are projecting. There is only one time sensitive priority - her fertility. If she stops to ponder all of those points, she will never conceive; nor would half the country for that matter.

1. i know that my age is very much against me and, instead of saying I want a child, perhaps I should have said that I want to stop actively preventing pregnancy instead (and what will be will be). If there was no child then then that would have been fine but I can’t cope with this being actively prevented any more.

I think this is the most important bit of information OP, if you are genuinely happy for it not to happen then (what will be will be) then you should come off birth control and put the ball strongly in his court, if he doesn't want children the onus will be on him to prevent that happening, there is absolutely no reason why you have to carry that burden.

BUT (massive but) I do think you would be best going to couples therapy if that is something you want to explore, there seems to be a massive communication problem here that instead of saying no to children he is refusing to discuss it at all? That isn't on, and in fairness you shouldn't really be considering having children with someone who cannot talk about important relationship issues until you have got to the bottom of that problem and decide if it is something you can accept.

And also, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you don't see yourself on the same standing as your partner, you look to him to lead the way and that really isn't how things should be, you will be signing yourself up for a life of misery if you get married to someone who doesn't see you as an equal, maybe therapy could help you unpick any feelings you have there too, as it doesn't sound like you are particularly happy with how your relationship is in general and you shouldn't just accept things because you feel that you don't have any other option.

Very well stated.

There are many more serious issues here than whether OP can conceive.

What about the circumstances the potential human being will be raised in?

Just to add a bit of positivity - I personally know two women who got pregnant naturally at 42 and 44 respectively and went on to have healthy babies. It's not impossible.

One of the women is a single mother (as my ex-husband left her to fend on her own) with a small family, but as far as I know the child is growing up very happy, loved and well-taken care of.

you've said that at most he grunted and looked a deer in head lights when taking about kids?

2.1 years ago he changed his mind and you went on the pill? so you knew he didn't? or you thought it was temporary.

37 is bit of a mad time to still be waiting around about having kids after being together for 5+ years.

if he doesn't want them and you do, you have to leave now. interpret indecision on his part as a no. as for you any indecision on his part will leave you without a choice.

It sounds like you both push things back.

Moving in together, getting married, having a baby till minds change.

It would be interesting to find out if his pushing back has any relation to the fact you won’t marry him despite his proposal till you can wed on an exact beach where as he just wants you to be his wife.

You have three options really

1. leave and maybe go it alone or try to find a new partner though time is not on your side at all (house seems to make that harder though)

2. stay and make contraception his issue and some releate sessions

3. stay and not have children

Sorry but this 'kind' man who 'thinks of you' is actively dragging you along in the hopes of you becoming too old to conceive so HE gets what HE wants.

Fuck that.

Giving up having kids is, IMO, the biggest thing you can do for anyone. It is an ENORMOUS sacrifice.

From your comments, he doesn't sound worth that sacrifice.

How do the marriage conversations go? About the same?

He clearly sees you as a vessel to his own happiness, one that he is happy to manipulate for his own good, but what about your happiness, OP?

Tell him you've gone off contraception a month or two after you've done so and having done the deed a few times already

This is ridiculous.

This type of bullshit is what gives women the baby trapping names. SMH

Kindly, you’ve left it very late. Why didn’t this come up earlier in your 8 years together? Fertility declines massively over age 35 so even if he was willing there’s no guarantee. Has he given a reason why he now doesn’t want kids? Is he worried about the higher chance it not being successful perhaps?

What bullshit is this? In that scenario she can absolutely do as she pleases, enough of pseudo negotiating with these infant men. Life is short, even more so fertile life for a woman.

I think losing a parent and having to deal with another one who is narcissistic could be a cause. He may be scared of history repeating itself.

I do think more and more men are wanting to remain childless these days though. They’ve all got accustomed to an easy going lifestyle. The vast majority of men I know or related to do not want kids.