He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

https://www.webmd.com/baby/pregnant-at-40

While 1 in 4 people in their 20s and 30s will get pregnant in any one menstrual cycle, only 1 out of every 10 people will become pregnant in any one menstrual cycle by age 40. At this age, you have a 44% chance of pregnancy within 1 year.

....

At the same time, the likelihood of miscarriage climbs with your age. A typical 40-year-old has about a 40% chance of losing the pregnancy. That compares to less than 15% for someone in their 20s.

Though you don't try at all the chance is pretty much zero.

Fertilty is very unquie to that person as well but past 40 it's dropping just how much is unique to that woman - gentics and health.

My understanding was that if you want children you need to start before 35 which means that by 30 you need to be taking it seriously.

The previous 35 figure all over the press in my 20s then it was reported it came from 18 cenury French parish records and may not be as signifcant as once thought.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20240313-the-fertility-myth-most-advice-says-womens-fertility-declines-after-35-the-truth-is-more-complicated

Basiclly it's complicated - there suggestions from IVF clinics quote from ^^ 38 is a more signicant figure plus age of father plays a role - in conception and miscarriage rates.

By age 42, more than half of intended pregnancies – nearly 55% – were lost.
(from link)

I got taken to task on here once for pointing out ONS at minute takes 45 as end of child bearing years for female population as so few births happen after that then in population terms - citing the French research and insiting that was 45 not 35 - did search on them and from their posts they were 46 going though yet another round of IVF - so didn't reply as what can you say.

There a branch of DH family down female line which has really late meopause and high fertilty during that - and very late pg were a thing for them- so there will be odd outliers in any population but it's risky to rely on. I know few women in early 40s who had healthy pg also know many had miscarriages before that and one still birth - I probably don't hear about thise you tried and got nowhere.

I don't think it right to say there is no chance for OP - but it's rapidly declining - and she needs to decide now and move now if she wants to even try with any chance of success.

The op isn’t engaged

but I’d reckon that this was another thing she wants from her partner who simply doesnt feel the same

I'd be absolutely furious with him and completely broken hearted. He's cheated you out of your best chance to have a family but I do think you have to take some responsibility for this too. I can't even begin to imagine why on earth you'd leave it this late anyway given that you always spoke of wanting children together from the beginning and you were already in your thirties when you met. I know people like to have some financial security as a preference, but to prioritise lifestyle and finances over your bioligical clock once you are over 35 is madness. Assuming you'll get PG in your 40s without any problem is very naive.

As someone who has been through fertility treatment recently I would call a fertility clinic today to get all the various tests booked in. It can take months just to do that and it doesn't commit you to anything. You will have time to decide what you want while also having the appointments booked.

2.5 years ago he very clearly old you that he didn’t want to be trying for a baby. At that point you were 39.

I mean you took quite a risk at your age knowing you want children staying with him despite him being very honest with you back then

OP says in her post they’ve been engaged for 1 year

I can’t tell what you mean by genetic compatibility nor how shagging a random guy the situation you describe would achieve it. There are tests done by donor clinics that would give a woman more piece of mind than the random man situation, and which also would be better for the DC’s health, mental and otherwise. I might be biased, being the offspring of donor sperm (albeit long ago and in v different circumstances to OP), but I’d have thought it’s a much safer and more supportive route for OP, DC and the bio father. So much so that it doesn’t really need saying i guess and OP is vanishingly unlikely to do it.

Well best case scenario is he'd go along with it and if OP was fortunate to fall pregnant straight away and carry a healthy baby to full term, he would be ecstatic and rejoice in being a father..

I think the more likely scenario is he would go along with it 'because it is what OP wants' and if OP was able to conceive and have a perfectly healthy baby, then he could blame her for wrecking their lives, and could be an absolute arsehole of a father and partner, and resent her for the rest of his life.. he could make her and her childs life hell and she will stick with him because he's a "loving husband and father" really, and he "cant help his mental health problems".

Anyone who has spent time on these boards knows this is the reality for many women who have had children with shit men, so anyone advising OP to try and push on with a pregnancy by him when he quite clearly (told her two years ago!) does not want children are out of their minds.

Now imagine OP having several miscarriages or potentially having a child with severe difficulties AND being co-parents with someone who doesn't want that child and is not prepared to give it the life it deserves, but wants 50/50 custody so they don't have to pay child maintenance to OP.. or he just walks away and never looks back.. the life you get isn't always the life you imagine when you set out, no one should be advising OP to have a child with someone has has clearly stated that they don't want one.

I'm not recommending that she actually try to get pregnant with him. I'm just curious about how he would respond to that.

Personally I think she should get straight on with IVF with donor sperm, and tell him what she is doing. Then he'll be faced with the possibility of the OP raising a baby that isn't even his in their shared house.

So what’s the ideal age for a Mum of a child of 10 and the ideal number of siblings? Yes, as a general point it can be useful to have support but this seems like ageism and only child prejudice. Life’s complicated, hence the OP finding themselves at this unhappy point.

Wow! Thank you all for your posts (even the brutal ones). Lunchtime from work has involved some very heavy reading and a lot of tears.

I appreciate every comment here and most have backed up what I’m thinking and to at I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you.

There are probably a couple of things I can say on the back of the comments:

1. I wasn’t told he didn’t want children 2.5 years ago (although my original post was unclear). I was told that he actually did but that this was wrong and that was wrong at that particular time. I have been very easily led by him (partially due to my autism and my dependency on him. It’s great with hindsight, isn’t it?) I was told not too long ago and, even then, I had to almost force him to recognise and admit it. Then he has changed is mind again and again - I haven’t known what to think!
2. We did meet 8 years ago but I’ve not been ready myself. That part is fine and I take full responsibility for not wanting to try for a baby in Covid when he lived with me in circumstances that were definitely not conducive to having a child. I haven’t gone into other circumstances surrounding our relationship at that time. I accept that that is what it is.
3. i know that my age is very much against me and, instead of saying I want a child, perhaps I should have said that I want to stop actively preventing pregnancy instead (and what will be will be). If there was no child then then that would have been fine but I can’t cope with this being actively prevented any more.
4. Marriage is something that we have discussed. I was surprised that he proposed when he did but he wanted to elope asap and I wanted to marry on a particular beach where we scattered my dad’s ashes (and which we can’t afford/justify until the house is sorted).
5. He has actually said that he doesn’t completely know why he doesn’t want kids any more. That is why I was wondering whether counselling would help.

Your replies have helped though. I take responsibility for my own position (with my shortfalls, incredible shyness and lack of social skills but I can’t get passed the resentment. I know what I have to do now, if only to look after myself. Thank you everyone.

At 41 you still have a decent chance to have a baby if you start now. Either with him or alone. Have one last serious conversation with him, saying that you want to stay with him and for him to be the father of your child, but if he is 100% sure he doesn't want it, tell him that you will be doing it alone then and split.
Go for it, don't let go of your dream, it is not late these days!

I can’t lie, if a man had done this to me I would snap. How do you feel about being a single mother to a child who may have additional needs? I only bring up additional needs because at your age it’s more likely. If you don’t mind this then I would say try and get pregnant (if it were me I’d try and get pregnant by him and make it clear he won’t be on the birth certificate). I am very sorry OP.

@honeypancake she has just said she’s autistic with a lack of social skills and dependant on her partner….not conducive to single parenthood!

My worry would be how long he has been aware of this. You are tied to him with a house so now it’s harder to leave. Had he kept quiet to get his own way? Op there is no way he should get to decide your life choices? He should have been honest and let you know sooner. Even if you can’t have children naturally you may be able to adopt. I would worry his behaviour is discreetly controlling to get his own way.

OP, I would recommend freezing your eggs asap. He might well help with the cost or even pay for it, since he ran down your most fertile years. It's possible to freeze eggs at your age, but you should make the phone call today. You have nothing to lose by freezing your eggs and possibly much to gain. It will take the time pressure off completely. Once you have a good harvest, you can then tackle the relationship. NB Some women will produce good eggs at 41 during the treatment and some won't, but you can only try.

I do have one additional question following my supportive post, I think on page 9.

I was wondering, if you came off the coil at 39 or thereabouts, didn't your doctor question your choices? I thought they would ask things like, do you have children, do you want them?

If so, you would then have explained what you've explained here, and a good doctor would have gently reminded you that you didn't have much time left.

I'm sorry for you if that didn't happen.

Apologies I missed that

@Lizzielost you mention you are autistic. This is hereditary so I would say bear careful about trying to get pregnant with this man in case you're left alone to bring up a child alone with potential additional needs.

At 41 there isn’t much point freezing your eggs and I doubt many clinics would recommend it.

Ermmmmmmmm

Nope, they don’t (necessarily) do this. When I wanted my coil out it was actually impossible to get help from my GP – despite the fact that I’d already asked them for information about PCOS and fertility and checked what the process might look like. The clinic that fitted my coil had stopped answering their phones by that point, and my GP basically said sheeet that sucks mate. Good luck. When I finally did track down an NHS service who would do it, my Dr asked me for the details. They label themselves as family planning specialists as well! It had taken me the best part of 6 months to get anywhere. The clinic who removed it just took it out and wished me a good day.

Depends completely on the woman.

Disgusting behaviour