To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Can you please elaborate why a wealthy family with a SAHP (usually these mother) would decide that boarding would be a safe parenting choice as opposed to living in the family home?

If you have a SAHP why is full-time boarding considered and thought to be the best option?

The majority of people enjoy spending time with their children and it seems odd to make the choice to miss out on their childhood, just so they can attend an exclusive school miles away , when a closer private school would probably be the same or better.

"Many", "a lot", what's the statistics for that? Utter bollocks.

I have older relatives who attended boarding school. Some enjoyed it more than others. None of them are good at expressing feelings / difficult emotions. I don't know whether that's due to their age / personality / boarding school teaching them to be independent from a young age and not rely on people

Look at all the threads on mumsnet alone!

There are so many threads saying "I'm pregnant. It was an accident. It was my planned" etc.

If youre in a relationship with a man, he often wants regular sex.

Birth control is not one hundred percent effective.

So of course a lot of women end up pregnant accidentally.

I can understand why. That does not mean I think it is a good choice.

@NeedToChangeName They might just be reserved people. My DMs family were dreadful at expressing what they felt or have an opinion on anything. They didn’t board but had an overbearing father. My boarding dc are very good at expressing feelings. Modern schools don’t shape dc to be something they are not. They open up possibilities but I have never seen personalities change.

Exactly this.

Very few children board from 7, or even 11. Those that do are often not full boarders, often doing just a couple of nights a week, so it’s more like a sleepover with friends. Boarding schools have changed hugely over recent years.

Plenty of parents put their babies into nursery, from 8am-6pm, to be looked after with groups of other babies by total strangers. They get dropped off for breakfast, picked up after supper, and taken home. Their parents may only get an hour or so at home before it’s time for bed. They have their naps as a group at nursery.

Lots of parents let their children roam the streets, not knowing what they’re up to, or are happy for their teens to spend nearly all their time in their room, eating and gaming or being on social media chatting to strangers.

Despite many parents who do these things, it seems to be that parents who choose to use boarding school are fair game for criticism on Mumsnet. Children spending their formative years being looked after as a group of others by strangers, or being let loose on social media is arguably far more damaging to a child that then spending a few nights a week with structure, discipline and enjoying their time with friends. There has been a huge rise in mental health issues over recent years. Why is that? It’s certainly not because of a tiny percentage of children who board.

Boarding school is not for everyone. Mine don’t want to, but have many friends who happily board. Everyone makes different parenting choices based on what’s right for their family. I’d certainly say that spending a few nights a week at school is far less damaging than lots of other parenting choices I see.

I don't know that many people who've gone to boarding school but they have all hated it.
My cousin especially never really forgave her parents for sending her which is incredibly sad.
She went at 8. Her parents working in various places abroad (can't remember where they were at that time) and the children could only live there until they were 8.
I think my uncle worked for government and they paid for boarding school
But yeah she's in her 50s and still not really over it
It's never been in my plan to send my children to boarding school doubt we could afford it anyway but I'd hate for my kids to grow up thinking I didn't really want them.

They are just ticking a box I suppose.

@2boyzNosleep I was a SAHP. We talked to our girls about what they wanted. You are wrong about homes being safe. Most abuse occurs in the home. It’s not at school. My DDs were very safe at school. They were of course safe at home.

A short boarding school year probably meant slightly more nights at school but for DD2 with more weekends at home, probably not. Both my DDs considered they had two homes.

Many parents don’t necessarily want to spend all their time with dc. Dc don’t need that either. You don’t have to enjoy dc all the time. You don’t own them in that way. Parents facilitate what dc need to grow and develop as young people. It doesn’t have to be 100% down to them. Boarding ensures dc get along with others, are not the centre of the universe, are resilient, resourceful and definitely confident and independent. I’m happy my DDs were offered this and I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m the best at parenting!

Boarding schools have changed somewhat in the last 50 years. Many of the examples given of bad experiences at boarding school happened decades ago. Boarding schools have changed hugely over recent years. For example, there are very few full boarding schools left. The vast majority now offer flexi options. Those which are still full boarding schools are very different from a generation ago.

Why is it so difficult to understand that there is not one right way to raise a child? Even full boarders usually see their parents every 3-4 weeks on exeat and the holidays are v long. No it won't suit everyone and I would hope that these days, parents would respond if their child was unhappy (and boarding staff are pretty good at picking up on what is happening) but for many it's a fantastic experience and I know plenty of adults, parents themselves now, who loved it and have a great relationship with their parents and their own children, some of whom board and some don't. Where I work we also have kids whose boarding place is paid for by a charity or LA as the absolute best, most stable places for them. They are usually a mess when they come back from holidays at home.
Threads full of anecdata in both directions don't prove anything at all. The only truth is that it is great for some kids and parents and not others.

Children do board full-time from around 7-8.

Did you watch the documentary "Britain's youngest boarders".
The kids in that all started boarding at 8.

Most of them hated it.

I remember one girl was hysterically crying every single day, and wanting to go home. The mum was told about this.

Then they filmed her mum and her mum said "my heart says that I should take her out. My head tells me that it will be better for her to leave her there long term".

She was of a belief, like a lot of those parents, that it would make her child stronger in the long term

its not just the children of wealthy parents who go to boarding school, but don't let that get in the way of your prejudice.

Around 0.7% of children board. The majority of those are at secondary level. A tiny percentage board from 7, and the majority of those do it on a flexi basis. A minuscule amount of children board full time from 7. A lot of those are perfectly happy. I know children who’ve boarded a couple of nights a week who have loved it; they really do see it as a sleepover. You will be able to find miserable children in any area of education. There are plenty of children who have attended non boarding schools who will tell you they had a miserable time which has affected their mental health.

I just don’t understand the judgement against other parents. Everyone makes different decisions for their children.

I think a very small minority are boarding young nowadays. We know so much more about child psychology now, that most parents accept that young children need their home lives.

i assume that people who send their kids boarding think it is for the best, they seem to put great value on independence. There are some in my extended family like this, they have cordial but ultimately distant relations with their adult children that went to boarding school now. I will be keeping my children close, I think situations where a child is without a parent figure for a few days a week leaves them vulnerable to abuse. I also think that it’s not good for children to be too independent, we are not islands, we are all interdependent on each other and that is a good thing.

The point is that the children should be asked what they would like to do.

Would you have like to boarded at age 7?

I did define young - I said under 12. I also said I understand sometimes it’s the best/only alternative. I’m talking about parents who do it by choice out of tradition, as that’s why my friend’s parents’ did it (although they also worked abroad) but maybe this is a thing of the past? Maybe it doesn’t really happen anymore?

9 years old and full boarding so your dad can fulfil his career ambition (and mum can follow him). How sad

My ex was a boarder from 7, parents abroad. It really messed him up IMO, he was horribly bullied but has convinced himself it was all his choice. As an adult he was very emotionally dependent on his parents, pretty much idolised them, it was all very weird to me.

He didn't come out of it with any qualifications either, even though he said he wanted to be there (from 7) as it was the best thing for his education.

I agree 100% with you OP, I don't get it at all.

I agree with OP and also would judge someone who sent their very young child to boarding school. Young children need nurturing and to be with people who love them not people who are paid to care for them. I know this doesn't happen for every child.
I am also curious about why people do it.

Most of the young boarding these days is flex, very very few are full time boarding at 7. different schools suit different kids, I flex boarded younger before full time, I personally loved it.

Yes, I am going to be judgy about this . Nothing would possess me to send my primary aged child to a boarding school and I would only enrol them at secondary level if they asked to attend and even then it would have to be a boarding school with a flexi arrangement

And if that isn't just the mother x mother experience in a nutshell

"I'll judge you first, and ask questions later"

This site becomes more of a parody every day

You can't expect to be able to understand what goes on on the mind of a monster.