To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Not going to judge someone who can afford to make parental choices for a child, like picking a school. I’m way more disgusted and disappointed by stories of people birthing children they patently cannot afford. I feel similarly to this poster, why have a child only to show it such a shitty life…

And how many children does that apply to these days? There are very very very few full boarding places for children that young now. Believe it or not but times have changed!

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

I suppose now that plenty of people choose to be childfree as it fits their lifestyle much better I do find it really odd that people are going to the bother of having children and then having to use boarding school for lifestyle or work reasons.

@LuluDelulu Of course I don’t! Never did! There were phones and texting even in our day! We have a great relationship and we are all going on holiday next week. Distant?!! Look at my first post. DH and me always saw our girls and spent lots of time at school events.

Also what’s wrong with them doing homework away from home? Why not get rid of the nagging elements of parenting and get the better bits? We all benefitted!

I know several kids who are late teens now who have boarded since 8. I asked them directly a couple of weeks ago, now they are about to leave school how they felt about this debate. They ALL thought it's nonsense, that they loved boarding, had a brilliant relationship with their parents and feel entirely loved and secure. In the v long holidays they have no problem "bonding" as a family and are immensely grateful to have had the experience. Whilst I appreciate it will be different for others, you cannot make sweeping generalisations about this. Those young people are confident, independent, able to do so much for themselves that you might not expect of an 18 yo and are entirely happy. Not at all traumatised.

Is being a chorister a lifelong career for most people, though?

Don't many boys especially tend to start off as feted sopranos but then drop off as their voices break and transform into unremarkable and much less in-demand adult voices?

I work in the city with a puzzling number of people who send even younger DC to boarding school even though there is usually a completely non working parent.
Over the years a few things have become clearer. Firstly a lot of rich men like having their wife and their home to themselves, they thrive on order not the spontaneity of kids (sad but often the kind of man that ends up running a law firm). One told me with a horrible wink of the pleasure of getting his “weekend mornings” with his wife back now his kids were back boarding (same one who told me that he had his wife have c sections so that she was “honeymoon fresh” for him urgh).
Secondly having been away to school they literally have no idea what parenting is as they were not parented themselves. Especially with teenagers they seem to think taking them out for lunch once at the weekend is the job done and dusted. To the extent of treating it as laughable that others consider it is something worthy of time or effort.
Lastly and seemingly the most common is that it really is a status issue for most of them. Pretending their child is desperate to go to Welly so they can be part of the club of men (occasionally women) who send their children to a flashy and expensive school.
Sometimes it comes back to bite parents who seem surprised that their children have a greater degree of emotional literacy than they did and express their boarding school inflicted mental health issues rather than repressing them like mummy and daddy did. Though horribly often this is brushed off with a laugh and the poor child is still at the same school years later.
I have never asked anyone why they send their kids to boarding school but these are the attitudes that have been expressed to me over the decades of working there, not much has changed sadly.

@RhaenysRocks My DDs would say exactly the same. There’s many outdated views on what boarding means and what it involves. Most dc are happy and the choices suit that family.

I have no skin in this game, but it's pretty obvious that parents do what they think is best for the children - which may mean boarding school, with all the opportunities that brings.
Parents who think their own needs come first ("I would miss my child too much") are potentially viewing it from the wrong perspective.
For some (not all) children, it is an excellent choice.

Outsourcing homework and badgering sounds wonderful but so much more is missed. What about marding them when they’re on their period? The belly laughs at in jokes when hanging out together every night? Even small things like emptying blazer pockets to see what random shit they’ve accumulated.
I don’t think it screws kids up but I am biased after watching the famous documentary a few years ago. It seemed joyless and the choice to send was directed by the father in every case.

My exh was sent to All Hallows at the tender age of 7 and then spent the rest of his education at Ampleforth. He was beaten for punishment as were most of his classmates. It ruined him emotionally.

Would be interesting to come back in another 20 or 30 years and ask them then, and also to ask their life partners and children how they think their loved one has coped with adult and especially family life. I have no skin in this game but have come across a great many reports from people who did experience life as boarders, or who are the partner/child of someone who did, saying very clearly that it has affected that person's ability to form close bonds with others and to know how to cope with family life. Some will be fine, others won't be. It seems to me to be a risk not worth taking if it can possibly be avoided.

I feel exactly the same.

I think a great many people don't actually realise the immense value of all of the mundane - yes, often boring and unpleasant - interactions between parents and their children in the secure bonding process. Caring for and parenting a child isn't just another household chore that any old person can do equally well if you pay them, just like the laundry, cleaning, cooking or gardening.

It starts right from the beginning, where a baby can't understand what 'love' is, but they do know that there are two very special people who are always near, who comfort them and make them feel safe and secure and happy again whenever they are hungry, tired, dirty or upset - then, as they grow, they mentally and emotionally build on that groundwork connection and gradually come to an understanding of what actual love for another person feels like.

Even as adults, we recognise the stark difference between the many friends who will happily share the fun times and the highlights of life with you, and the few who will still be there standing with you when bad things happen, when you hit rock botttom, when you very much aren't the life and soul of the party.

The OP is judging - she has said so. That is fine. Judgements are allowed. We all make them.

I share her puzzlement. Why have deliberately planned children then delegate their upbringing to others?

For me it would be about ethos influences - I wanted my children to grasp the important things in life like kindness and honesty. I wanted to be the one who gave that to them, rather than risk a group of varied people instilling their values.

In any event I loved them to bits and wanted to be the one who read the bedtime story, cuddled them when they were sad and was their rock. I wanted to watch them develop into the fascinating adults they have now become.

I think a lot of adults are simply not good at looking after children.

My parents were useless.

I had to come to a realisation that I can't depend on any other person to look after me. I can look after myself.

I got myself through life.

I think that boarding for primary age children has fallen massively in favour and only a tiny number of children board pre 11. Even the royal children are still at day school at this point. I can certainly see the appeal of 1-2 nights sleepover at school for children in year 5 and 6 if they want to go.

At secondary I am more open to it. I can’t imagine sending mine fully boarding but occasional boarding 1-3 nights a week or even weekly from say, year 10 makes sense if the child wants to and certainly for 6th form I think it’s a great option, again if the child wants to

One of mine was a day student in a boarding school. They had no interest in boarding despite being offered it, so they didn’t

same 😂

It really does work both ways though. In a normal (caring, non-abusive) context, it's not as though children are naturally desperate to leave their parents and their familiar home set-up from a young age - even when they rebel and shout "Mum, I hate you!", they know they are doing it from a place of confidence and security.

Often, children don't fully appreciate what they have until it's gone.

As for all of those who insist that their children are very happy boarding, how can we know that when they don't know any different? You could just as well say that young children in Asia who are sent off to work in factories or scraping smelly, dirty, toxic rubbish dumps to find traces of valuable materials are also 'happy' - because they have never had any concept of what a carefree, fun childhood without adult responsibilities actually can be like.

The musical education is intense, in a good way, and it does often translate to a career in music of some sort. Or if not, a fantastic lifelong hobby. They typically receive free instrument tuition as well. To be amongst peers who have that same passion, that understand why you’d prefer to play the piano for a bit rather than kick a football around, is invaluable.

For the right child, it’s…well…right.

I agree, what's the point in having children at all just to do that? I had children so I could bring them up and look after them, spend time with them etc, I don't understand why people would ship them off ASAP.

Oh and @IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta , the boys I’ve known typically take a year or so off when their voices break, then join other choirs once settled. And then successfully audition for very prestigious choirs in adulthood. Choirmasters know that a former cathedral chorister is exceptionally well trained - tenors and basses are particularly in demand.

Many people don't choose to have their children though?

A lot of pregnancies happen accidentally.
Men demand sex a lot.

And many women find out about the pregnancy too far along to get it aborted. Or feel they can't put themselves through a late stage surgical abortion.