To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

I work in state school admissions. The two most damaged children (bullying) we have ever taken came from one of these schools. I would not send my own child, unless through a flexi-boarding scenario, where the child themselves chose to spend a night or two at the school in an ad hoc basis. To intentionally trap a child in a lion's den is not for me.

You should ask them. I find it impossible to believe that someone could go to boarding school at 7 and that it wouldn’t affect you emotionally. I have a 7 year old who needs a kiss from me when they have fall, who crawls into bed with me in the middle of the night, who is scared of monsters in the dark so we spray anti monster spray under her bed, who loves a bedtime story and a cuddle before bed.

I just cannot see how sending her, even to the nicest boarding school, wouldn’t ultimately be a traumatic experience for her.

I honestly don’t know. Looking back I was and still am sometimes a people pleaser, I also had 2 versions of me, home me and school me. Since meeting my partner and having children, I can’t always please my mum and it causes conflict which I find hard as a people pleaser. She’s also quite critical and passive aggressive. I think that being sent at a young age affects the attachment a child has to their primary care giver. I’m now quite an anxious person. I remember girls at school coping really unhealthily, a lot had eating disorders. However I couldn’t say if I’d be close to my mum had I have gone to an ordinary school. She also went to boarding school at 10 years old, so I guess for her it was “normal”… she also had a strained relationship with my granny/her mum. It was honestly traumatic being dropped off at the beginning of September, then realising I wouldn't be seeing my mum, dad & brother until
Christmas, I cried nearly everyday.

when our son turned 7, I remember the morning very clearly: our boy, fast asleep between us on his birth day.
my husband looked at me all teary and said: I can’t believe I was sent away at the same age: still a baby

It seems cultish.
The ones that thrive buy into the parent narrative they’re superior. They’ll defend it to avoid the obvious question of why weren’t we a proper family. Probably perpetuate the Malory Towers myth themselves.
Those that don’t…
The culture of introspection and knowledge of basic attachment theory will expose this one and for all.

I hated boarding school, not because I missed the 'kisses goodnight' from my parents. I was actually quite a well rounded, emotionally mature child (perks of having older siblings). I hated it because back in the 90s it wasn't a nice place, the house mistresses lacked compassion or empathy (if there was one with it they didn't last long).

Some of the stuff that went on then wouldn't be allowed now (the punishments of being made to stand and face a wall for an hour without saying a word is just one example).

Bullying was rife and you couldn't escape it.

Apparently, I was too posh for my posh boarding school. My father was a fairly high rank in the
army and that made the bully see red.

I had come from a school abroad where I was happy, had lots of friends, and involved in all sorts of extra curricular activities (drama was my favourite). The shock was horrendous.

Now now, sour grapes as 81% agreed with her,

Yes it is staggering how some parents will defend their choices to send their kids away, for teachers to do the parenting.

School is 9 til 3 imo not 24/7.

Agreed with what? She doesn't understand? I would also agree with that

You're very defensive and also your last comment was abusive. Why the anger, is it guilt?

Well then your friend won't do it herself.

But others who have experienced it and then carry it on obviously don't find it traumatising.

Many people have no idea how it has affected them as it's all they've known. Like like any kid brought up in a dysfunctional environment, it is their norm so they don't recognise how it has resulted in them being cold, disconnected and emotionally stunted.

Those around them see it though.

My DB sent his children to a boarding school, despite SiL not working.

Now, i can see both sides, the children eventually settled and achieved great grades, doing really well, they had opportunities those in the state sector are unlikely to have.

But the parents missed out on so much, which comes with bringing up children, both the highs and the lows.

Both parents and children say they wished they'd gone as Day Students but that would have meant a "lower tier" private school, which at the time, didn't seem an option.
They missed out on growing up around their cousins too.

I loved bringing up my kids, i wouldn't have missed any of it, the idea of having kids and then allowing "house parents" to bring them up is horrifying for me... but we are all different.

Parents do what they think is the right thing at the time, i wouldn't judge anyone for their choices.

That's pretty insulting to those who went and are living perfectly happy, well adjusted lives with good relationships all round. And they do exist. How presumptuous and patronising to tell people they don't really know they're fucked up because...they must be, surely! Is it not more likely that different people have different responses to experiences and for some BS is great? It's irrelevant what others can or can't imagine or believe.

I dont mean to patronise or insult, apologies. It's just a chat forum where we share our opinions and experiences.

I have lived and worked all over and there really is a theme with boarders, particularly the old school ones from the 70s and 80s who were packed off at 7 and brought up by Matron and Sir.

They are often overly confident, maybe successful but generally disconnected and a bit screwed up relationship wise. All anecdotal of course.

I agree - I said upthread that the London private day system nearly finished off my DD (a music nerd). Specialist boarding restored her. If I could wind back the clock sh'ed have boarded much earlier.

Come on, that's an easy answer.

Are you really saying every boarder isa shitty person but can't see ot for themselves and will therefore "wreck" their own kids by boarding them? You can't see that any single child might have enjoyed it and, heaven forbid, enjoyed it? Or that it was better than being carted round the world every 2 years woth their service dad or being at home with the help while mum and dad sit on important boards or filming tv etc?

One of my friends was abused by a teacher who also abused many kids during one summer at ampleforth. They didn't hire him again but gave a glowing reference. One if the boys killed himself at only 13. Extremely crushing.

They sound incredibly snobby with the "lower tier" private school concept.

That’s another example of how boarding schools have changed over recent years. The majority now have some kind of day pupil provision, including the very traditional public schools. There is also a move away from single sex schools, as many parents no longer want single sex, full boarding schools.

I didn't say a single word you have attributed to me. My husband and I watched tv/videos etc with our children. We didn't ask strangers to do it for us.

The other thing is the use of the word "kids". Says it all really.

Yeah it really doesn't. Means literally nothing. And are you honestly saying that you never leave your kids to watch TV while you do something else? I can't remember the back and forth from a few days ago but you seem determined to pick a fight with anyone who thinks boarding is not universally abusive and damaging.

'Are you really saying every boarder isa shitty person but can't see ot for themselves and will therefore "wreck" their own kids by boarding them'

No. I'm saying every boarder I've met has deep seated issues, usually full of resentment.. All the hockey and rugby trophies in the cabinet don't make up for being brought up as part of the family and not farmed out to be brought up by teachers.