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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

343 replies

Roxietrees · 22/04/2025 23:50

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

OP posts:
jetlag92 · 23/04/2025 06:36

Very, very few british children would board at that age nowadays, so I really don't think it's something to worry about. Those who do, have probably got such shit parents that they're better off boarding!

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/04/2025 06:39

My dad was sent to boarding school at 7 and he was incredibly damaged by it. He was never able to cope with family life when he and my mum had kids. It was horrendous for everyone and then he drank himself to death.

Sunshineandpool · 23/04/2025 06:41

I completely agree. Although I don't think the foreign job excuses it either because that's a choice. One parent could still live in the UK if they wanted to or they could choose jobs in the UK.

Neemie · 23/04/2025 07:09

The number of UK SAHMs who ship their children off to boarding at age 7, for the sake of tradition, will virtually be non-existent nowadays. There are plenty of more up-to-date social issues to worry about and parenting choices for you to judge.

NZversusLondon · 23/04/2025 07:19

I was out walking a few Sundays ago and passed a mini bus belonging to a lovely prep in Sussex. Several parents waiting by the bus and about twelve under tens boarding the bus. All looked happy, content and relaxed. It wouldn’t be for me but who am I to judge

Ohthatsabitshit · 23/04/2025 07:20

Different Cultures have different ways of living and raising children. I think you are probably missing the fact that not all of the people raised in a country are from the same culture. For example very very few boarding school children will have ever gone to childcare outside the home as preschoolers. Even Nannies are fairly rare in that cohort because babies and toddlers are seen as needing to be at home. Different ideas about raising children are a good thing. We don’t need uniform sausages from a standard sausage factory upbringing.

minnienono · 23/04/2025 07:23

My dc chose to go for 6th form, applied and interviewed herself and got a means tested bursary from a specific scheme now defunct. Her dc may board from 11 as in military

thesecondmrsdewinter20 · 23/04/2025 07:26

My dad was sent to boarding school at age seven, like another poster’s. His mother took him out at eleven but by then it was too late. It’s affected him - and his relationships with his children - hugely. These things trickle down the generations.

thesecondmrsdewinter20 · 23/04/2025 07:26

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/04/2025 06:39

My dad was sent to boarding school at 7 and he was incredibly damaged by it. He was never able to cope with family life when he and my mum had kids. It was horrendous for everyone and then he drank himself to death.

I am so sorry 🌷

Lifestooshort71 · 23/04/2025 08:03

My older sister boarded from 7-18 (in the 50s) as that was the family tradition. She was very happy and matured into an independent, self-reliant woman who was happy to travel solo (eg Afghanistan overland in a bus in the 70s) and to eat anything that was put in front of her. Imo, a big downside was that she didn't belong to a local friendship group (all her school pals were scattered worldwide) and was so independent that she never found anyone to share her life with. She was an amazing woman and had fond memories of her school days.

HelenaWaiting · 23/04/2025 08:09

I doubt this is the answer you want but I went to boarding school (both my parents were in the RAF) and absolutely loved it.

Middleagedstriker · 23/04/2025 08:11

Moopsie · 23/04/2025 00:18

Playing devil’s advocate, is it better for a child/children to have a nanny at home instead of board? Because many of us do that and it’s still someone else looking after them most of the week.

Hopefully parents with a nanny still look after them everyday. Give the breakfast or dinner, read them stories, play with them after work. Be there in the night when they have a nightmare. See them and look after them all weekendIt's not like they are presented to the parents for an hour like the Royals were.

It's quite different also having a nanny looking after a couple of kids to a matron(?) looking after several.

Middleagedstriker · 23/04/2025 08:13

Lifestooshort71 · 23/04/2025 08:03

My older sister boarded from 7-18 (in the 50s) as that was the family tradition. She was very happy and matured into an independent, self-reliant woman who was happy to travel solo (eg Afghanistan overland in a bus in the 70s) and to eat anything that was put in front of her. Imo, a big downside was that she didn't belong to a local friendship group (all her school pals were scattered worldwide) and was so independent that she never found anyone to share her life with. She was an amazing woman and had fond memories of her school days.

Independent or emotionally blunted. My dad went to one and shut down emotionally as a survival technique. He has cracked on with life but it has effected his marriage and other relationships especially with his parents when they were alive. He also enjoyed school and knew no different.

CatkinToadflax · 23/04/2025 08:13

DS1 weekly boarded from Y6 to Y9. He only stopped because the boarding house closed. He has complex disabilities and the school he was at provided a brilliant waking day curriculum. He adored boarding and his relationship with his younger brother improved.

Boredlass · 23/04/2025 08:15

Roxietrees · 22/04/2025 23:58

I am judging - I have a friend whose life was pretty much ruined by it. But I’m also curious, so if you send your dc to boarding school I’d be interested to know why…won’t judge your answer

Show quote history

Yes you will…

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/04/2025 08:21

You're seriously claiming that families with the money to send their children to boarding schools don't have nannies and it's the parents changing nappies, getting up at night with the baby and so on? Really?

There's an illuminating thread about the boarding experience running at the moment, mostly from the perspective of adults who were boarders. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5319413-lifelong-impact-of-going-to-boarding-school?latest=1

One post there really stood out to me:

I was a day pupil at a private school that also had some boarders. One of my (boarding) friends admitted that from the moment her parents, oh so casually, floated the idea of boarding school to her, she knew they were very open to not having her in their lives for months at a time. She described it as a type of death and that she grieved horribly for the relationship she'd thought she had with her parents.

It's not a world I have any experience of, and in adult life I am very grateful for that.

Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school | Mumsnet

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boa...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5319413-lifelong-impact-of-going-to-boarding-school?latest=1

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/04/2025 08:22

Ohthatsabitshit · 23/04/2025 07:20

Different Cultures have different ways of living and raising children. I think you are probably missing the fact that not all of the people raised in a country are from the same culture. For example very very few boarding school children will have ever gone to childcare outside the home as preschoolers. Even Nannies are fairly rare in that cohort because babies and toddlers are seen as needing to be at home. Different ideas about raising children are a good thing. We don’t need uniform sausages from a standard sausage factory upbringing.

This is what I thought I was quoting, but the quote function seems to be very hit and miss at the moment.

CollaterlieSistersSister · 23/04/2025 08:34

The chorister one is interesting (personal experience of it), as mentioned by a PP. The child is - usually - passionate about music and singing, and I doubt there is any better musical education to be had.

But with that often comes the requirement to board, as chorister life is an exceptionally busy one.

So, like other scenarios mentioned, boarding happens not because it’s tradition or the parents want a breather, but because it’s a necessity in pursuing what the child seems to want. (And the audition process is pretty bloody rigorous to make sure the child fits all aspects).

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 08:37

Just to be clear - you don’t hand over parenting. You have the same relationship as parents with dc as before. Dc just don’t sleep at home every night.

One joy was no arguments. No nagging over homework. It was done at school and by exeats it was out of the way. Also DC see their friends without going out of the house. No driving them to see friends or lurking around town centres. We did travel to see DDs friends in the holidays but they were safely at school with friends most of the time.

My DDs left school 12 and 14 years ago. Both really liked boarding. One preferred weekly, but took part in weekend events when expected to, and the other one was keen to stay in for weekend activities. No parent gives up on being a parent and life still revolves around the needs of dc. They felt they had two homes and both would say how much they enjoyed school.

I don’t view dc as possessions. I view them as young people who sometimes need more than home provides. Schools can enhance their lives and I think we had a far better relationship because they boarded.

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 08:41

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I had a nanny when I worked. Didn’t have her at night! She just did my working hours.

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 08:43

@Middleagedstriker Boarding doesn’t suit everyone. Parents need to know their dc. Modern boarding is very different. You get to be very involved with the school and dc.

MissyB1 · 23/04/2025 08:50

@TizerorFizz So you mean outsourcing the difficult part of parenting? So that you can just be "fun mum". Well I guess it's just like outsourcing the housework and gardening to some people 🤔

I work in a boarding school but strictly on a casual basis and planning to leave at the end of this term. They do take boarders from age 7, it makes me feel sad.

Ohthatsabitshit · 23/04/2025 08:53

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/04/2025 08:21

You're seriously claiming that families with the money to send their children to boarding schools don't have nannies and it's the parents changing nappies, getting up at night with the baby and so on? Really?

There's an illuminating thread about the boarding experience running at the moment, mostly from the perspective of adults who were boarders. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5319413-lifelong-impact-of-going-to-boarding-school?latest=1

One post there really stood out to me:

I was a day pupil at a private school that also had some boarders. One of my (boarding) friends admitted that from the moment her parents, oh so casually, floated the idea of boarding school to her, she knew they were very open to not having her in their lives for months at a time. She described it as a type of death and that she grieved horribly for the relationship she'd thought she had with her parents.

It's not a world I have any experience of, and in adult life I am very grateful for that.

That’s correct. Though some larger families had “mothers helps” or au pairs. “Night Nurses” for babies were more of a thing in the 40s. Very few mothers worked though.

LuluDelulu · 23/04/2025 08:55

Yes, it’s awful. They must have zero sense of empathy. Poor kids. It would massively fuck up any child to be institutionalised at 7 or 8- or even 11 in my view.

LuluDelulu · 23/04/2025 08:57

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 08:37

Just to be clear - you don’t hand over parenting. You have the same relationship as parents with dc as before. Dc just don’t sleep at home every night.

One joy was no arguments. No nagging over homework. It was done at school and by exeats it was out of the way. Also DC see their friends without going out of the house. No driving them to see friends or lurking around town centres. We did travel to see DDs friends in the holidays but they were safely at school with friends most of the time.

My DDs left school 12 and 14 years ago. Both really liked boarding. One preferred weekly, but took part in weekend events when expected to, and the other one was keen to stay in for weekend activities. No parent gives up on being a parent and life still revolves around the needs of dc. They felt they had two homes and both would say how much they enjoyed school.

I don’t view dc as possessions. I view them as young people who sometimes need more than home provides. Schools can enhance their lives and I think we had a far better relationship because they boarded.

Edited

So you just didn’t want to do the hard bits of parenting? You must have a very distant and formal relationship with your kids, but I suppose you know no different. Sad.