To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Yes I know there are many different reasons for why a child might board and many different schools that cater to particular talents. Ethically I just believe young children (under 12) need to be with their parents/whoever is “home” for them. I think if you learn to be too independent too early it can result in over independence. It’s a recognised psychological difficulty now, called “boarding school syndrome”. I had a friend who went at 8, her parents were in a different country, she had no friends, and she was bullied. It resulted in her becoming over independent way too early. As a result, at 38 she’s never been able to have a relationship that’s lasted more than a few months, is extremely emotionally closed, and has depression and anxiety, all of which she attributes to her experience of boarding school at such a young age. I think it can be traumatic for children that young to be separated from their parents. Obviously I recognise in some special cases it is the best/maybe only option. And for over 12 yos I’m sure it’s great fun but little kids need regular love and affection

I don’t get it either and it’s certainly not something I’d do with my children. I get private school and the activities on offer there, plus low class numbers etc. However, I feel children should be at home at night. It’s their safe space (or should be), where they can let parents know if something is bothering them and to have more family time than just school time. At home, they can be themselves, whereas at boarding school, they’d have to be on their best behaviour at all times and unable to properly relax. I would also worry about child abuse and children feeling distant from family to tell them or that they have to keep the peace if parents have a job which relies on the children being at boarding school (I.e forces children).

If I had the kind of job where I couldn’t offer my child stability and have them at home, I wouldn’t have them. I couldn’t imagine having them and then having to ship them off. Work would never come first and I’d pick a child-friendly career before having them.

Having said all that, I know some children get on with it and are okay. Some say they enjoy it and I’m sure they feel they do. Whether that was true enjoyment or just making the best of things, I don’t know.

My concern with parents in the forces is they have their children and don’t know whether boarding school will suit them. Lots of children would not enjoy the experience but what happens then? I’d like to think those children have parents that would put their needs first but do sons ship them off regardless? After all, they haven’t gone for a child-friendly career before they arrived. That worries me as I get that children need stability and you don’t get that when parents are in the forces but surely that would be the reason for moving onto a new career.

Haha. She said she was judging! Why is that difficult to understand. It's a fucked up decision and causes trauma. Most people are judging these people who ship their kids away.

Ethically it's about the emotional wellbeing of children, and severing a bond by having your child move out of home while they are still a child, and their own parents just being like extended family after that. The bond can never be the same as if they lived at home / came into your bed when ill/ cuddled up watching cartoons etc etc etc.

Haha it’s definitely not envy. I wouldn’t send my DC to boarding school in a million years! We all know a large proportion of children of elite families go to boarding school, let’s not pretend that’s not a fact. The reason I’m against it for young children (under 12s) is that I think they belong at home with their parents, provided they have a stable home life. I’ve explained more in my PP before this one. And why the curiosity…why not? I was talking to my friend who i mentioned in PP who has lasting trauma from boarding school tonight and that made me think of it. Why are YOU so curious about why I’m so curious?!

This. Much better put than I could articulate but this is what I was trying to say basically. It feels like going against what is natural

I would definitely fall into the camp of overly independent. I have a magnificent DP but I only ever truly rely on myself. I rarely ask anyone for help. But that came from living in a house that contained grandparents, parents and five siblings. There were tons of people in my house but zero affection, educational encouragement or respect for difference. It was chaos and I hated every minute of it.

I’d have thrived at boarding school because it would have been the kind of regimented stability I craved.

I understand what you’re saying, but every case is different. Sometimes parents send their kids away to school because they have busy lives. Sometimes it’s best for the kids. We don’t cease to be people because we have children. Sometimes my career does come first before DP/DC. Sometimes DPs career comes before me and DC. Sometimes the DC come before me and DP. That’s just life. Kids do need to learn they aren’t the center of the universe. I have Gen Z staff who could use that lesson even now in their early 20s! You can tell which ones weren’t taught that lesson by their parents!

I just ask this: do you think that a qualified and experienced maths/English/science teacher who knows the curriculum is going to do a better job at teaching your child those subjects than you would?
Most people would agree that, yes, they are much better at that task than they (the parents) would be.

Then my second question would be: what on earth makes you think that those same people, or their colleagues, are going to do a better job of effectively parenting your child?
Even if you do believe that, you most probably haven't even interviewed or chosen which teachers/staff will parent them better than you - you just assume that any of them will do, without even knowing who they are.

If you knew an excellent plumber and got her in to do all of your pipe repairs and heating work - which she does indeed do admirably... would you ask her to choose your next car for you or arrange your re-mortgage, just assuming that she'd be better at it and more knowledgeable than you would be?
If not, what's the difference - apart from that your child should be far more precious to you than a car or a financial product?

I'd love to know why parents choose boarding school, because to my mind - in most cases (with exceptions such as for children with very specialised needs) - there are only two reasons: either you don't reckon you're any kind of basically adequate parent or you just prefer living the majority of your life without your kids in it. Neither of those make you look good; and if it were parents from deprived communities rather than wealthy, privileged parents admitting that, I think things would play out very differently indeed.

After all, which is better: constantly shouting and swearing at your kids because you can't be bothered with paying them attention or doing standard parenting things for them; or just sending them away and paying somebody else to do it all, so you never need to even think about bothering to regularly tell them to f-off?

I think it's extremely telling (and deeply sad) when a child would prefer to live with and be brought up by a random bunch of professional strangers who don't love them but are only doing it because they are paid to, rather than their own parents, And if they don't prefer that, how extremely cruel is it to send them away from you anyway?

Why on earth would any parent actively choose not to have a normal, close, loving, active parent-child relationship with their son or daughter when they are still young? It flies in the face of all of the most natural instincts that a parent should have.

I was the boarder rather than the parent of one and I can speak a bit into this. I started boarding at 10 after having done several nights here and there from 8. My Dad’s job took him abroad when I was 8 and the international school were a) not the right fit for me and b) my parents didn’t want me moving every 3 years when my Dad moved countries. For the first two years my mum stayed at home and they lived apart. I then asked if I could board because I enjoyed it and had fun with my friends. My parents were always very clear that if I ever wanted to stop they would find a way to make it work regardless of where my dad was based. They never had to because I enjoyed boarding and I refused to stop boarding for sixth form when my dad moved back to the UK.

I has a friend at school who was also boarding (Dad RAF, Mum Hugh level flight attendant). She was horrifically home sick for a prolonged period of time. Her parents (and the school would have said it if they hadn’t) realised she couldn’t cope with boarding and her mum took a career break until her dad retired, so she became a day pupil and thrived.

Sometimes parents send their kids away to school because they have busy lives.

The thought of this saddens me so much. The idea that your life is so constantly busy (not just for a few hours whilst you're at work) that you're too busy to be there for weeks on end for your own children. You have to choose to make some things priorities in your life at the expense of other things and your children don't even get a look in anywhere on that priorities list.

@IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta As I’ve said, ours don’t board, but tbh I see my DC mostly on weekends. They’re too big for the nanny now, but I’m out of the house 8-8 M-F and travel for 2-5 days most months. I have put a ton of work into my career and it has given DC a really lovely life. They are happy, independent, sociable and thriving.

Fundamentally, I guess I just believe different things work for different families. The way my family of origin did things (insular, always in each others business, very low aspirations, critical of success) didn’t work for me and we’re VLC now. Some kids will love boarding school, some won’t. We’re all just doing our best to have a good life.

I didn’t think boarding schools in the UK took kids under 10 anymore ? Certainly not over weekends. If they do the % must be really small like in the hundreds??

Define young? What about 11?

From experience, for some of these children it is due to little alternative, including very sad home situations.

I’ll play… not a mean girl and have absolutely no horse in this race.

So children aren’t bullied going to a a regular school?

Children aren’t abused or ignored or left to their own devices in a typical school/home situation?

It sounds like your friend had a rough time and that’s unfortunate. But why would her outcome be any different if she went home to her parents every night? I mean she would have been just as likely to have been bullied in a regular school and in you opinion her parents weren’t engaged…. As in they were willing to send her to boarding school, right?

What would have been materially different if she went home every night?

Every child should be sent from 11 to 17. 😅

You're asking people to explain themselves with you as judge - I think you'll find most wealthy parents who make that choice don't need your validation.

You don't want to understand - you've already made up your mind what you think. You want people to relay their experiences to confirm your bias. Does it make you feel better about your own parenting? Whatever floats your boat. You could do a Google search to help you 'understand' but I'm guessing having real people and real people's lives makes it bit more juicy.

And BTW- I home educate my children - in the same vain as the OP, I can't imagine why people bother having children if they're going to have them locked up in an institution all day from the age of 4 till 18. Can you help, OP? I really want to understand.

I’ve just watched a documentary on YouTube about four little girls (all aged 8-9) settling into boarding school for the first time. It was heartbreaking watching them cry for their mum and get told they couldn’t ring them because they’d “settle faster” if they didn’t.
by the end they did appear to be settled and having a nice time though.
they were all army families who wanted more stability for their children and tbh the parents all seemed to find it as hard as the kids.

Parents usually have particular reasons for boarding their children. I struggle more with the concept of handing over a baby to a nursery for 40 or more hours per week but equally understand that there are always reasons for doing so.

Funny, I was going to say the that. They must have their reasons, whether they're good reasons or fair to the child/ren is another thing

Really you can't imagine why it might be different to have some reprieve by going home at night away from the bullies and with people who love you and where you feel safe?

random.

I think before I’d start a thread like this I’d research how many schools offer boarding before 11.
Google suggests 87% of all boarders are at a senior school. Those who attend boarding school for the prep years offer a tiny amount of boarding but 2/3 are day pupils (so not boarders despite attending that type of school).
Right now there’s a current MN thread regarding how much time is acceptable for a year 7 student to travel for secondary, many suggest that traveling over one hour each way is not unusual without the walking to bus/train part. So 1.5 hrs from home twice daily on top of class time and potential afterschool activities.
The schools my family researched offered transport home Friday afternoon and pick up Sunday evening. Boarding M-F max as bank holidays and seasonal holidays means several 4 day weeks. This means a child can participate in after school opportunities.
Risk; staff with any checks will surely be better than random persons that an 11 yr old could be potentially stuck with on a bus or train.

Cell phones mean the kids can be contact with their parents. With the past negative history of boarding school syndrome, the vast majority of boarding schools emphasize student mental health and well-being.
Today’s boarding environment is very different to 30 years ago.

My brother boarded from age 8 - he was a Cathedral chorister and had choir practice from 7.30 every morning, school and 6 services a week which usually didn’t finish until 7.15 in the evening. He didn’t love boarding but loved the music and still does a lot of music now. The boarding was required by the cathedral because of the music commitments even though we lived in the same town. My parents didn’t make it board to send him away so would see him every day for a chat and a hug.

I suspect quite a high proportion of boarders from y3 onwards are choristers.

Do you also judge parents who have kids to shove them into 'day care' from babies? That's a choice too. An hour at bedtime is not ideal either. Kids who go to childminder, school, ASC, clubs then home to shove a meal down and go to bed.

Parents do what they feel is right for their children at that point in life. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Some children thrive, some don't, rather like in any schools. See all the threads on here about kids who just go to local schools and are with parents day to day. Still end up with anxiety, depression, many still get abused even with mum and dad there.
Boarding schools are not 1930s style anymore. A lot of kids might thrive with the structured days and everything in one place.