To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Does anyone know any boarders who have grown up well adjusted without many issues? I don't.

I think flexi from say 13 up over understandable if no other option but any of primary age of course need their parents and a relaxed home life not 24/7 school.

And what if that legitimate reason is they just don’t want to have kids but have found themselves to be parents. Is it the best option for those kids to board or to stay with parents that don’t want them?

@hideawayforever As @RhaenysRocks says: This is just impossible. People like you have no idea of the dynamics of other families and what makes them work! So what if I delegate some aspects of day to day parenting? What has it got to do with you? Why are you judge and jury? What makes you superior? Keep your uninformed comments to yourself and yea, I’m out too. It’s pointless. Hopefully you won’t be asking your doctor where they went to school and make judgements as they help you.

It’s a class thing, basically, for a lot of these people anyway. Both my parents boarded but didn’t want that for their children so we stayed at home (albeit at private schools). My Dad died 25 years ago and I don’t have a great deal of contact with his wider family but last year I went to the funeral of his cousin who had been my god mother. It struck me that everyone there was very “rah” (a few honourables, but mainly upper middle class people). Thinking about it afterwards I realised that I was almost certainly the only person there who didn’t go to boarding school. There was one child present, aged 13, and she was just about to start at boarding school. They all took it completely as read that this is what would happen. It’s normal within their family and friendship circles and it’s seems that it’s unusual to question it as my parents did.

@Maaate you would have to ask them? I have not said anything like that. But parenthood is a whole lot easier if you as a parent are secure & happy with your choices.

What legitimate reasons? If a parent works abroad get a package with schooling included it really shouldn't be difficult.
To leave your dc in a different country whilst you live the ex pat lifestyle is just awful.

And what if that legitimate reason is they just don’t want to have kids but have found themselves to be parents. Is it the best option for those kids to board or to stay with parents that don’t want them?

So you agree with what some other posters are saying then @saltinesandcoffeecups? some parents don't want to parent so chose boarding school.

Your stats are so concise!

"Overwhelming amount"
"A lot of"
"Many"
"All the time"

I actually have no skin in this game, my kids attend a state

But what I find utterly abhorrent about you is that you started this thread, likely bored, with the sole intention of judging and slagging off the parenting choices of other mums

Using wishy washy dramatic language to get other people to also judge and slag off other mums

All under the guise of "curiosity"

You make me sick

As said previously, one example is residential schools for children with needs that can't be met by mainstream school - a lot of these have boarding provision to save children having to get up super early and get home late.

I remember one thread about an air hostess who was a single parent and her dc was in boarding school as she didn't have anyone to provide childcare and was it a good idea did we think . Seriously, change your job and who knew they got paid that much.

I do, me, my friends, I loved boarding school and have had no issues surrounding it, it’s not for everyone but not everyone is traumatised by it

SHIFT WORK and single parenting!! how many times do i have to say that there are some excellent reasons why people may absolutely need flexi boarding for their children....

Schools for those with special needs and it's too far for a daily commute? That is the only reason I can think of for parents to hand their dc over to school staff to provide the parenting.

We aren't talking about special needs though, it is predominantly those who want to live an exciting ex pat lifestyle abroad or want to have time to themselves at home who send their kids away.

Children are only put into care as a last resort. First they are placed with their extended family, then to foster homes, and only in very exceptional circumstances, do they go to children's homes.

In a CH, there is a strict 3 children to 1 adult ratio. Unlike in a boarding school where a houseparent can have up to 70 something charges.

Logic is fully applied.

Shift workers and single parents generally cannot afford boarding schools fees.

I think I actually stated it myself….

to quote my post with context:

Well… the OP was using her friend as an example: who was bullied at school and presumably had disinterested parents.
There would have been a high likelihood of being bullied at a day school and those disinterested parents would have been who she went home to.
Again what would have been materially different?
I think one very big mistake a lot of you are making is by thinking all or even most parents are like yourselves. There are a lot of shit, incompetent, cruel, clueless, apathetic, and dangerous parents in the world to varying degrees. Even the most well intentioned parents can screw up your kids. Just because you love them and are involved doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to get it right.

To reiterate…
Yes there are parents that don’t want to parent. Not having an option to board their children isn’t going to change that. They will just be shit parents with on-site kids who now don’t have another option which may be better.

So now please be so kind as to answer my question now that we’ve got that ‘gotcha’ (which failed on your part) out of the way.

My husband was sent to boarding school age 7 as his father was in the forces. He claims to have loved boarding school but I can see the damage it did to him.
our main issue is he had to learn from an early age to be self reliant and thus has struggled with relationships and his own families. He was bullied so badly he had to sleep with another year group (something he only admitted after his one and only school friend told me) and is also now an alcoholic.
There has been a lot of research on childhood trauma caused by attending boarding schools - look up The Making of Them.

I appreciate times are ‘different’ now but I have spoken with several psychologists on this subject and they don’t advise boarding unless necessary.

re children being sent away for tradition: I met a women with 3 boys who was forced by her husband (uber wealthy) to send her boys from age 7. She said she cried daily for years and lived behind big black sunglasses. I felt very sorry for her regardless of how unbelievably wealthy they are.

@GildedRage
most of my family are medics & lots of friends have done shift work. They didn't send their babies to an overnight nursery...

Are the SEN kids somehow exempt from the terrible psychological damage that boarding apparently causes?

But this discussion has already been had anyway so no point in going round in circles on that.

Yes why on earth cannot some see that putting kids into care should not be seen as a good thing, whether it is council funded care or privately funded schools.

@saltinesandcoffeecups There's no 'gotcha' 😆. I don't believe I have said anything offensive about boarding schools. I simply said that not every parent who chooses this option is a good parent. Why are people
so triggered by that, it's hardly controversial!

@sofasoda the city i live in has just opened an overnight nursery for emergency staff (fire nursing etc staff needs) it's a thing.

They sound lucky to have someone to care for their kids overnight.

'My husband was sent to boarding school age 7 as his father was in the forces. He claims to have loved boarding school but I can see the damage it did to him'

Yes, often the ex boarders can't see it and claim they had a lovely time at the tuck shop with no parents to tell them off.

It's those who live with them, work with them on a day to day to basis who see how emotionally stunted and disconnected many are.

And still no answer to my question…

I’ve rephrased it several times, asked people directly, done damn near everything but use big sparkly letters and have not had any of the anti-boarders be so kind as to engage.

sigh 😕