To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

Right, so sending your kids away to boarding school is so terrible and damaging for the children except in cases where you personally approve of the circumstances?

No one said that but there is an overwhelming amount of hard evidence (just google it) that historically, there has been a huge amount of abuse at boarding schools, just as there has been in every other children’s institution - reform schools, children’s homes, the Irish care home scandal- any residential institution that houses children is going to be an extremely attractive work place for sexual predators. Obviously. The stats don’t lie

@hideawayforever Stats for that? You don’t think drug addicts amongst poorer people are not a bigger group with mh issues? Or indeed any section of society these days? Why spout a load of uninformed bile like this? You have no idea about modern boarding and how dc enjoy it.

Yes, the logic isn’t strong in some of these arguments. 😉

The parents always claim their children love it. .

Ex-boarders usually wait for their parents to die before they finally admit it has affected their whole lives adversely.

Often parents say their child "choose to go", which is bizarre because children might choose to drive a car at the same age. Woe betide the parent who buys them a car and gives them the car keys.

Children who are sent away lose their pets, friends, community, comforts and culture. Not just parent's time and attention. They grieve for that. And the system encourages them to suppress that grief. It's not homesickness. It's a profound loss.

Parents treat it like they are on an extended play date.

Would you send your child overseas to learn a foreign language aged 10? Or is 13 okay?

Why is it okay for schools to accept foreign children? It's not. It's just a way to keep the business solvent.

It is never in a child's best interests.

the key word in your latest post is HISTORICAL.
with technological improvements and moving forward from past problems boarding schools are now significantly different than 15 years ago.

Never? Really? By that logic putting kids into care is never in their best interest.

No but its a very small percentage and of those unplanned/ unwanted, a tiny proportion would be born into families wealthy enough and of the kind to send them to boarding school.

Children who are sent away lose their pets, friends, community, comforts and culture. Not just parent's time and attention. They grieve for that. And the system encourages them to suppress that grief. It's not homesickness. It's a profound loss.
most children board during senior school year 12 year olds+ most boarding schools are flexi boarding which means they are only at the school M-F some days of the week as most months have a bank holiday add in holiday periods and they really are not away all that much.
a london teen traveling 1.5 hours on public transport to and from some selective school IS NOT spending quality with the pets or parents and will have changed friends by the virtue of changing schools.

why don't people want to parent their own children,? they're just as bad (as a pp said) as poorer people like drug dealers who neglect their kids, but the wealthier ones wrap it up as oh but it's tradition and they want to go. my Dad went to a boarding school from aged 13 and the tales of cruelty and abuse were astounding. you're basically leaving your children to strangers to bring up

The only arguments I’ve heard for CHOOSING boarding school for a young child is the kid wanted it or it was good for them. Very vague and neither I agree with. Yes I recognise it’s very uncommon but it does still happen. As I said in PP I don’t think a 7/8 yr old has the maturity to understand the ramifications and possible negative effects of boarding school - and “it’s good for them”? How? What does that even mean? Super vague. I haven’t heard one concrete argument that would even sway my opinion slightly. If believing young children need to be with the people who love them and need to be protected from potential long term trauma makes me arrogant then I’m good with that 🤣

You’re right most of them are born into chaotic lives often coupled with various levels of poverty and other social issues. Maybe some of those kids could benefit from boarding at an early age 🤷‍♀️

Anyone who is posting with "evidence" of experience more than a decade old is wasting their time. Those of us with actual, current knowledge of the system are telling you what it's actually like and we're being countered with examples from screwed up adults in middle /old age. It's pointless.

This subject has been done to death and it's always the same arguments repeated over and over again. Marvellous education, extra curriculars, friends for life etc.

I have a question for the pro boarders that I've asked before on a similar thread but never received a satisfactory answer for:

Aside from boarding schools that specialise in certain subjects (like the aforementioned chorister school) or boarding necessitated by both parents being in jobs overseas (like the military), for all the other children who board what is it specifically about boarding in particular that benefits the child (and only the child), that can't also be achieved by attending an excellent private day school? I'll wait.

You’re also cherry picking what you respond to…So I’ll ask again directly.

What makes you think parents would suddenly turn to interested engaged and fulfilling parents who provide a loving home environment if boarding wasn’t an option?

For heavens sake? Who now lets dc board to be abused? This “in my dad’s day” is so long ago it’s pointless. My DDs were not abused. I parented them: how dare you say I didn’t?! My DDs were not neglected. They just didn’t need or see me every day. If anything, absence makes the heart grow fonder! We had great holidays and weekends and have a great relationship.

It’s also way too easy to blame a school for poor outcomes. It’s abdicating responsibility for maturing. It’s blaming something and someone else. Most parents absolutely would know if a dc isn’t happy these days and change schools. Of course they do. Very few push on regardless - in fact none I saw. Parents have a partnership with dc. They listen and change schools if necessary. I listened and DDs wanted boarding.

Why don't you pro boarders want to parent your own children for gods sake.....is it too much effort for you.

I don’t approve of the circumstances but they are more understandable than having no reason other than what I’ve read on here - “they wanted to go” or “it makes them independent”. The latter, it has been proven has damaging long-term, life-long effects on many, many people. It just goes to show there really is NO reason that is in the benefit of the child rather than the benefit of the parent. Literally not one person has given one reason of why being sent away would benefit a 7-year-old

What stats or evidence is anyone on here producing to say that it's good for children to board? none, but you're all demanding evidence to the contrary. Bring up your own children and stop paying for others to do it for you.

That’s really rude and offensive (and I say that as someone who has decided against boarding for my own children). Many boarding parents are more involved in their children’s lives than some others who may live with their children, but whose children spend most of their time in their rooms and who don’t even eat together as a family. There are plenty of parents who live with their children but have no idea what they are really up to.

Why don't you pro boarders want to parent your own children for gods sake.....is it too much effort for you.

You could level that criticism against any parent who chooses to use any form of child care. There are plenty of parents who could afford to “parent their own children” but who choose to go back to work, often full time, and put their babies into nurseries.

Ha don’t think anyone thinks putting a child into care is in their best interests. It’s not a choice, it’s a last resort. Boarding school is a choice and not a last resort for most people

My friend taught at one, they took some children very young, she said it was heartbreaking.
There were a lot of foreign students and lots flexi boarding. There was a girl whose mum was a surgeon and thought weekly boarding was less lonely than having a nanny, however the school was hundreds of miles away which seemed bizarre.

Last summer I was on a park and ride bus and there was a woman with a teenage girl behind me. The girl clearly went away to school and the woman was talking to her about who her friends were and what subjects she liked and what she might do. I would say the girl was 14/15. The woman seemed to know virtually nothing about her, I assumed it was an aunt or grandma taking her out for the day, until she called her Mum.
The worst of it was the mum seemed hugely irritated and bored of the conversation and the girl was clearly playing up for attention. I know it’s not representative of all boarders but she seemed to be so disengaged for her, it’s really stayed with me.

Boarding parents will, in most cases, have spent the past 4 weeks with their children, far more than children at most other schools. They’ll be home again in a couple of weeks for a long weekend, and home again for a week in May. They’ll then be back to school for 4 weeks before they have another 9 weeks off until September. That doesn’t even take account of the fact that many boarders don’t full time board anyway and will be home for several days a week. So many people don’t understand the boarding system.

Truth hurts doesn't it?

@RancidRuby sure...an ability to use initiative, solve problems, take responsibility for personal organisation, way beyond what ordinary teens do...most long suffering parents will eye roll and pick up the dirty laundry so they won't have to deal with a last minute crisis. The matron of a boarding house won't do that. The kid will go to lessons in kit, receive a sanction and get organised next week for laundry day.

Organised prep sessions every night with no phones allowed and staff available to help with difficulties.

Older students organise additional study /revision sessions after dinner

Access to sports facilities to allow gym/swim after work is done.

Ability to form respectful but friendly relations with boarding staff

Taking on "big sibling" roles with younger students, encouraging them to participate and take their share of duties

I have no doubt you'll come back with lots of ways in which day kids and their parents can replicate all that and that's fine, but I've worked in boarding schools now for a long time. There's so much ignorance displayed on this thread it's really depressing. The idea that it might be fantastic for some kids is fought against so hard but I've met dozens who actively want to board, ask to when they live near and could be day kids, ask to so they'll work more, ask to so they can do late and early sports sessions. Loads of benefits for kids who want to be there, and you'd be surprised by how many do.