To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

[Roxietrees]

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

I blame Enid Blyton and Mallory Towers for my delusions about boarding school.

I have family members who went from 7 in the 80s and 90s and they have turned out to be, as far as I can tell, emotionally mature, productive adults who still have a good relationship with their parents.

Why were they sent? Because their parents could afford it and the school choice was far better than local options.

They haven’t sent their own children but I suspect that’s more to do with cost than anything else.

It fine for some and not fine for others as are many things in life.

@Gloriia there are several STATE boarding schools, flexi boarding fees are based per nights stay. so it might still work out to being a sound decision for all involved. you would still pay for a night nanny or weekend live in mothers helper. no one really wants to leave an 11 year old home alone over night but i'm sure some people do.

@saltinesandcoffeecups i don't think your question is quite as profound as you think it is.

If you don't want to be a parent I would recommend you do something in the interim between babyhood and sending them to boarding school, therapy or counselling perhaps? And whether boarding school is the only way to escape bad parenting would very much come down to individual circumstances & the child itself.

You're right, I am coming back to say that all this can be replicated in day schools. Because it pretty much can. A very small % of children board and they are certainly not the only children who excel in life. I'm not actually against flexi boarding for older secondary school age children, or even full time boarding for 6th form. And I actually agree that boarding schools can offer a huge amount to the right child, Im not disputing that. I'm just not convinced that the same child wouldn't do just as well and learn just as much at a day school whilst being at home with their loving family each evening - getting the best of both worlds, I really can't see how that can be bettered.

'I have family members who went from 7 in the 80s and 90s and they have turned out to be, as far as I can tell, emotionally mature, productive adults who still have a good relationship with their parents.'y

I would bet a tenner they all have abandonment issues and deep seated resentment. They won't go around chatting about it as they were taught as a young child that no one cared how they felt. I'm sure they are productive, boarders often are.

Thank you!

I think that it’s a lot to expect a shit parent to suddenly turn around and do all of those things to become a better parent and that boarding school may be the better option for young kids.

if boarding is so absolutely horrible the grades don't support that. at a levels, of the top ten uk schools 6 are boarding; cardiff 6th form, st pauls boys, westminister, st michaels school llanelli, brighton college, queen ethelburga's college. wycombe abbey is number 11 on the list i've found.

I think that it’s a lot to expect a shit parent to suddenly turn around and do all of those things to become a better parent and that boarding school may be the better option for young kids.

How shit are we talking though? Why would they have even gone through with the pregnancy in the first place or not considered adoption if they really did not want a child? Perhaps care would be a better alternative before you even get to boarding schools. Like I said it would be very individual.

Okay so when you asked if anyone knew anyone without any issues, you didn’t actually want to know? Because you know without meeting them they have deep seated issues 🙄 and you know that no one cared about how they felt (not my experience or most modern boarding experiences)

That proves nothing, though. Many of the products made by children in Chinese factories are good quality - that doesn't justify making them work there or prove that they're having a whale of a time doing so.

My mum and her sister went to one, which spanned both primary and secondary school. They both loved it and made friends who felt like family members. My dad went to one but hated it due to strict and cruel teachers. My nephew's at one now and he loves it. So I think it depends where they go really.

i know a lot of people who boarded. Married to one. All very happy with it. My DS has done three nights since he was 8. He is also very happy with it. Next year he will weekly board. He is excited about this. He is an only child and benefits from living with and around other children. He has his own bed at school and his own cupboard for whatever special things and books he has taken in. The bits in between school end and bed time are his favourites, they do all kinds of activities. He has made additional friends boarding, across different year groups and sometimes countries. I have a health condition and we both benefit from the respite but he would likely have been schooled like this anyway. He is a warm, empathetic and amusing young person who cares for the wellbeing of others. I may be wrong, maybe later he will view this time differently. I know many people have strong feelings about this issue. I also know DS is very happy and keeps asking to board full time this last term. I’m not up for that yet. Thst’s a big step up next year. DH is excited for DS. I am too. I’d even like to go! Looks like DS is very lucky to have access to that environment. There will be problems, there are always problems, any school can have problems, some of these can be very damaging. Everyone needs an eye on the ball, boarding or not.

Someone I know sent all four children to boarding school as soon as they were 7. The father was Army, never posted abroad, the mother didn’t work, stayed in the family home so didn’t move with her DH’s three UK postings.
They lived in the west cou, sent the children to boarding school in the Borders so grandparents could see them as necessary, not the parents.
All in their 40’s/50’s now, dysfunctional adults, the dd never forgave her parents, one son several failed marriages, the other two have poor relationships with their children.
I can’t for the life of me why anyone would do that in their situation, it was pure selfishness so that the mother could have a child free life much of the year.

'My DS has done three nights since he was 8'

8

My husband went as from a military family, be loved it. A girl at my work went from age 7 and she loved it too.
I had a friend when I was younger who didn't go but was from a wealthy family and parents travelled a lot for work. He was brought up by nannies and called his dad sir.
All have turned out fine and happy and good people.

'He has his own bed at school and his own cupboard'

I mean, it is nice I guess for an 8yr old to have his own bed and cupboard..

I mean they’re shit enough to send their young children to boarding school. 🤷‍♀️

I went to boarding school aged 10 to 18. My parents lived abroad and wanted to give me a stable education. My eldest is now approaching the age I was when I started boarding, there is no way I would send him. My relationship with my parents (mainly Mum) has become more and more strained as I’ve gotten older. I have wondered if therapy may help me with what I’ve heard called “boarding school syndrome”. It definitely had an impact on me, both good and bad.

Honest question (and not prying so no pressure to give an answer). Is the strained relationship do you think it’s the result of boarding or do you think you would have had similar relationship issues if you didn’t board? Just wondering out loud because it’s not unusual to have issues with your mother at some point in your life regardless of school experience. Or do you think that it’s an additional dimension to the problem?

Grades are nothing to do with emotional or psychological health and happiness.

This is a forum for people's opinions so no i won't keep them to.myself. You were going earlier on so make sure you do this time. Bye

Yes i don't think anyone disputes the academic achievements. At what cost though?

no, but despite this parents on this forum put children through all sorts of hoops to gain acceptance to jags and other top day schools which i’d say again only suits certain children long term. the current mh crisis is apparent in all schools. choosing a flexi boarding just outside of London might offer more when considering the effects of the teen years in an inner city, population dense environment. to me flexi is better than 1.5 hr travel X 2 on top of the school day one where you can’t participate in many after school clubs otherwise your arriving home at 7pm with homework yet to complete.
again I’d rather flexi to sitting on public transport next to someone random.
but like choosing any secondary, you need to find the right fit for your child and family. wealthy families have more options (although there are state boarding schools).

The weekly boarding school bashing thread.