To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

We’ve always paid way over what CMS calculates to my DP’s ex wife. When eldest went to uni, we paid them direct, and carried on after graduation until they found a job. Kept paying ex wife for the youngest. Now youngest is at uni, we pay them directly, so nothing to ex wife anymore. Will keep paying youngest until after graduation, and employment.

I think your partner should stop payments to his ex - how does he even know it’s getting passed on to the kids? And what if she’s becoming reliant on it within her normal budget?

Time to pay the kids directly, as an allowance .

What other reason is he paying the mother of his adult child money every month? Explain?

Its normal to stop paying at 18. Your husband is a mug. Giving it to his ex wife. Bet she's not spending it on 3 adult kids.

I think if he can help his dc, then why not? They’re young and just starting out in life. What a good dad!

Do not be tempted to pay for him so he supports his wife.
Will this ever end?
Sounds like it won't.
Are you really happy to have your future and retirement dictated to by his finances with his ex?
Perhaps you are too quiet?
Perhaps you need to start planning stuff with friends a lot more.
Don't allow him to make your life small.

I actually feel sorry for the eldest that they weren’t receiving funds at uni from their dad … I think your DP made a mistake there.

He should write an email to all four of them saying in 6 months he will split the CM in thirds … mum will get 1/3 for youngest and eldest two will get a 1/3 each.

Then tell the one working he will give him money for 6 months after that to get set up on his feet and then only help in emergencies etc etc

For you - I think he does need to have a set date on when he can start having disposable income a bit more so you can start living your oldish age together… he can’t keep paying for his ex forever

I'm a single parent, not had CM from exH (would barely be worth claiming) and I have made the same financial sacrifices to give my dc the best uni experience and soft landing into adulthood. Legally I can evict the dc and downsize to somewhere smaller & cheaper to run but I want them to have a home / bedroom to come back to in uni holidays / after graduating - and I like that they want to come back. I am not planning on funding them into their 30's but a bit of a buffer period is fine with me even though it means me going without holidays and other extras at times to keep the big family home. Its my choice how I spend my money and I like to spend it on my dc. It seems he has made the same choice.

The CM is based on his earnings not ex's outgoings so we don't know if ex has money spare or if it just covers the extra bills for a 4 bed v 2 bed. My dc got full uni loans but that barely covers rent and I still had to give them extra to live on. I doubt very much the ex has been making a profit while the dc are at uni. Few parents notice some huge financial saving in the uni years. A 4 bed house still costs a lot to run.

Is he giving his ex more in CM than it would cost him to fund a house with 3 extra bedrooms? if not then all he is doing is what I have done - making sure dc have a bedroom as long as they need one. It does sound like he is compensating for the ex being useless with money, but if she is a good mum otherwise perhaps he sees that as fair exchange. If he had been the resident parent he would have had to pay top up fees and fund the bigger house with extra bedrooms which I'd guess is far more than the CMS rate. its rare CMS comes close to the actual costs of raising a child. He can always have the dc move in with him.

I would go on holiday without him. If he wants to spend his money on his dc beyond the age he legally has to instead of on holidays then that's his choice. Perhaps he doesnt want his dc to know he cant afford it. Perhaps he is worried his dc would feel the need to financially support the ex themselves if he stopped.

I agree with @HoppingPavlova.

What he pays for his children is none of your business.

He pays his ex wife for their grown adult child who works full time, am I missing something?
My dad paid my mum until I was 18, then helped me out when he could while I was at uni- but that was to me directly.

Still reading the thread but I think you have your answer here. Book your travel and let him know you are going. If he can’t afford it then he stays home. He’ll get it eventually.

*This was in response to the post about the eldest traveling and you wanting to.

So, if the eldest is working full time in a graduate job and the money is being sent to EXW....is he even seeing any of this money?

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa

You're correct that at the end of the day it's your DP's business. BUT, I certainly wouldn't be limiting myself because of it.

If you want a holiday, take it! And no, do NOT pay for him to accompany you. Not affording a holiday is part of the decision that he has made, so that particular monkey does belong to his circus and he needs to accept full responsibility for it.

So, plan your holiday. When he says he can't afford it, say "I'm sorry too. But I'm still going". Frankly a solo week by a nice beach sounds like Heaven. Perhaps if he sees you living 'la vida loca' or maybe that should be 'la vida serena' by the seaside he'll rethink his priorities.

Is it a matter of what's "normal" or a matter of the terms of the divorce? As the child of a divorce, I think my father was obligated to pay until I was finished with school (although then the payment wasn't child support, but tuition).

There's no blanket rule.

For example, my husband is the father of our grown children and both of them lived at home for a couple of years after they finished their degrees and had professional jobs.

One of them (the unmarried one) has stayed with us for a year here and a year there even after that. He can afford his own place but he likes living with us off and on and we like having him.

We never charged our grown kids rent and they'll always be welcome with us. They are both good with saving and investing their money and we've been pleased to help them out with their futures by letting them stay here if they want to. However, they'd buy the groceries for the household, help us out with home repairs and so on, so they both did contribute to the household some.

Everybody's been happy with the arrangements so far. Nobody's demanded they pay the same rent we'd charge a roommate or demanded they get out or demanded to cut them off.

I think this is pretty common with nuclear families so it makes me kind of sad to see how children of divorce are so often abruptly cut off when they're of legal age, because their parent's new partner wants that money or space for herself.

I do see that the OP has her own life and his grown kids aren't her kids. I'm just saying there's more than one way to look at it. I'd bet the OP would agree with being more generous with the newly graduated child if it was her kid.

Many, many parents continue to support their working adult children until they've saved enough money to buy a home of their own or are otherwise ready to fly the nest. Nobody bats an eyelid if the adult child lives with the parent; why is it such a big deal if the other parent still contributes, exactly as they would if they were still married?

I want to make it clear that I don't receive that support nor expect it myself, but I don't think it's such an outrageous thing.

Interesting that you use 'first wives', that phrase says a lot about where you sit in this debate but the OP's boyfriend doesn't have a second family relying on his income so he's free to spend it how he likes. OP is of course free to accept that or not but I don't think it's her place to criticise.

I think this is pretty common with nuclear families so it makes me kind of sad to see how children of divorce are so often abruptly cut off when they're of legal age, because their parent's new partner wants that money or space for herself.

@BigHeadBertha I think that if the father wants to give his eldest son money directly, that's fine. But he needs to break the expectation of monthly child maintenance payments to his ex-wife for a 22-year-old with a full-time job. I wonder whether the son realizes that his father still pays maintenance for him?
I imagine that he'd be annoyed not to be treated like an adult, because at this point, money intended for him should go directly to him.

The money could go directly to the eldest son but, again, it doesn't have to be done that way. It sounds like the mother is continuing to provide the family home that the eldest son lives in, for now, and the father is happy paying it that way. OP hasn't said the eldest son has any complaints.

I don't know what I'd do in OP's position. Remarriages get complicated!

A fair situation would be-
maintenance until 18
if they go to uni and live out 50/50 maintenance split between child and mum
if they live at home but go uni maintenance until 21 .
if they work unless well paid maintenance until 21.
After that if they are working full time they should pay board. (Possibly some interim contribution whilst looking for work/training)

Hes better reducing by a third now (maybe give 3 months notice) and then again when no second child leave uni so ex is having money reduced in increments rather than all at once.

I don't see a problem with the money going to the person putting a roof over the 'child's head and paying their bills. Depending on how responsible they are with their money that may well be the more sensible way to support them, leaving them free to make good or bad decisions with the money they earn for themselves.

I might have missed it but I didn't see anywhere that this money is expected - the father seems to be paying it voluntarily. He may be being a bit strategic here - if the mother requests enough board to cover expenses or even kicks the kids out to downsize because she can't afford to keep them all herself, they may end up on his doorstep.

Again - before anyone comes at me I am not saying this is what SHOULD happen, I just don't think it's horrifying either, especially when compared to adult children who live with their married parents while they're getting established in life.

The problem is that you have separate finances. You can't dictate what he does with his money. He might not want to go on a holiday and is only going on the holiday because you want them and have paid for them.
He is choosing where to spend his money. It is up to you to choose where you money goes. Do you have access to his bank account? Do you know where most of his money goes? He may have stopped paying for the elderst but not told you. Because he doesn't want you to plan where to spend his money.

Yet another thread where the ex wife can’t afford a life without a handout from the kids father years and years after divorce. It’s literally pathetic all round. Your husband needs to grow a pair. Of course give directly to the children at whatever age if he wants to / can afford to, but he should have stopped paying direct to the ex wife when they turn 18 - was he going to keep paying when they are 25? 30? This behaviour would give me the major ick tbh.

She needs to get off her arse and work for a living like the rest of us do.
I'd be massively pissed off if i were you. She's basically living off you

Why aren't you angrier?

Are the costs of your home - mortgage etc shared equally between the two of you or are you paying more in some way?