To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

You might be right @AnotherNaCha , which is why it’s imperative that they (the DH and his ex) discuss the longterm financial plan before the children get any older. Their youngest will be 25 in 7 years and surely he won’t be paying child maintenance then?!

He and his ex need to become financially separate at some point and that may mean him paying her a lump sum, continuing to pay unofficial spousal maintenance for x years, perhaps her downsizing from the family home, working more hours, etc.

My husband paid for his children until they were 21 .. even though 2 were working by that age. I never interfered, he wanted to do it and that was that.

He still contributes financially now, it’s just the right thing to do.

I wouldn't expect him to be paying for a child who's working full time. A better option would be to open a savings account for that child in order to contribute towards bigger things he wants to help them with or if he felt it would be spent appropriately he could pay an allowance to the child directly but i see no reason for him to still be paying his ex. It sounds like she's just been used to that being part of her budget.

@ExtraOnions Does he give money directly to his adult children now or still to their mother?

I think the Mum receiving the money is what many people are finding unusual, not the fact that he wants to support his children. I know that I’ll be giving DD ( nearly 20) money for several years to come!

Do they get the money paid for them by their Mum? Adult working shouldn't be any payment, other 2 yes but directly to them. He needs to arrange a chat with ex to reevaluate the situation. Xx

If eldest lives at home and mum doesn't charge him rent and both parents want to contribute to oldest being rent free so that he can save up etc then I think fair enough as mum still has the same bills to pay and food to give him etc. the child maintenance for three children is I think the same as for two anyway?

The actual issue here, as described by OP, is that he doesn't have enough money to go on holiday with her because he's still supporting his children.

So changing it to a direct payment or savings account doesn't achieve anything.

As a parent that gets child support... Anything after they were 18/at uni/working I would ask the dad to sort payments to go direct to them. Nothing to do with me at that point

Well, I suppose that in an intact family, the parents will decide together, and will probably agree. In a split family, the main earner is likelier to try to weasel out.

I think he should still pay for the youngest.
Maybe directly help the middle child and not pay towards the eldest at all.

However, they all need parental help with housing atm, maybe he's paying to facilitate that?
Maybe without this support, the family home would not be there.
He does need a plan to stop paying though.

My husband was the same - I think he felt like he was abandoning them. But eventually he stopped paying eldest when he started work. Youngest he paid directly all through university and until about 6 months after they got a job. but he found it hard in the end I had to point out that he was 1. Not being fair on his other three kids and 2. Enabling the youngest to be lazy

I think providing they are working then it’s ok to stop. Just give a couple of months notice.

Thank you everyone for your replies and for sharing different opinions

I suspect there's some element of split here depending on different people's experiences/whether they are 1st wife, EXW, "typical stepmum" etc. My perspective is I suppose both from the single mum side, EXW side, and the evil stepmother side, being as I've been all of these.

I have discussed this with DP a couple of times, as he isn't overly happy with the situation, but doesn't feel he has much choice. As people have pointed out, children at university do need a roof over the heads when they come home and someone needs to provide that - in this case, primarily EXW. EXW pleads she can't provide that without his support. The mortgage is less than £300 pcm . I would seriously worry for any friend of mine who was not financially independent enough to afford that without help, this isn't exactly territory where you need a stratospheric income.

For those of you pointing out the EXW will have made the motherhood sacrifice pay wise - yes. So have I of course, so do most of us. Part of their break up was she never wanted to go back to work, would have preferred to be a kept woman with a luxury lifestyle- probably she needed to marry a finance bro in the first place.

His eldest definitely knows his dad contributes, so I'd guess the others do too, it came up last year as it emerged that he had been given the impression his dad could not afford to help much because he has to support me. This was the only time I got angry about the set up as this is a clear lie he had been fed that reflected badly on me. The misconception has been put right.

Whether my own children are still paid maintenance isn't really relevant here, but no. They are adults and may boomerang in and out of home I expect over the next few years (currently one in, pays nominally into the household, one out).

While this ridiculous financial mess drags on though, I'd best get off Mumsnet and onto booking dot com!

There must be many split families where the main earner just can’t afford it.

Fair enough, OP. FWIW, I have no agenda, as I am neither a divorcée, nor a stepmum. Child support is for children, not grown adults with degrees and jobs. I agree with you that your DH should pay until they leave for uni, then pay DC directly whilst they are students. Then stop once they are no longer students.

Looking into my crystal ball, my guess is that he will never stop paying XW—there will always be an adult child popping into her house for whatever reason, and he will see that as a reason to pay. He will probably be paying child maintenance for 30-something adults who are parents themselves.

His exW is laughing her wotsits off!! Your DH is a mug. CM stops at 18 and anything after that you decide to give goes straight to the children. What on earth is he thinking?!

The bit that would really stick in my throat is that exW didn’t contribute to the uni costs but kept the money , even when only housing/feeding students in the holidays (assuming they lived out??). Agree with the majority - stop funding the working adult, they need to cover their own housing costs and probably should be contributing to Mum the same as the maintenance she’ll lose. Give maintenance directly to the one at uni and be clear it stops on graduation, do the same for the 18 year old from September assuming they go to uni. I think I’d stop the adult payments now but otherwise say this starts in September and that gives everyone time to arrange their finances for the next academic year.

Op just like you I was in all those roles too and I don’t think you are being unreasonable . If f she is that useless and refusing to work then it seems she might cause issues with the youngest of your partner was to stops maintence to all?
I can see your issue , makes nil sense to support adult children , specially when it seems he is supporting her and not the children

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa As I previously quoted from .gov.uk OP, your DH has no obligation, legally or morally, to support his 22yr old DC (even moreso when they're working!). I don't even know why this would even be a debate in your household. If I were your DH, I would give the ex notice (whatever he thinks is reasonable for his ex to rearrange her household finances) of ceasing CM for the eldest. She may well create a fuss but she doesn't have a leg to stand on. How much longer does she seriously think your DH should continue paying for his eldest adult child?

Part of their break up was she never wanted to go back to work, would have preferred to be a kept woman with a luxury lifestyle- probably she needed to marry a finance bro in the first place.

Yeah, I’d be willing to bet there are two sides to the story of their split OP. Remember what position you’re in here and who you get your information from.

You might (bizarrely) know what her mortgage payments are but you sure as hell don’t know why they broke up.

I think you’re really overstepping the mark here getting so involved.

Yes, there must be a million variations. There must also be many split families where the main earner decides that other new and exciting things - a new sports car, a luxury vacation - have priority over his previous children.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! However, I'm fairly certain that he would have to pay for the youngest two, even though they are 18 and 19, as they are both still in full time education. This only has to be paid until their 20th birthdays.
He shouldn't be paying anything for the 22 year old!

Or the main earner works nights in a B&Q depot and is only just keeping his head above water with day to day living? Not every separated father has thousands to spend on sports cars and new partners

I agree....mine too!

I agree with you. I don't care what a partner does with their money, and I don't expect them to be rich or treat me, but I do need them to be on a similar level as me in terms of lifestyle. If I want to go out for dinner or go to the theatre or go on holiday, I want that to be something we can both afford, rather than having to miss out because they can't afford it.

I've been in relationships where if I've wanted to do something/go somewhere, I've had to pay for both of us, because they didn't have the money for it, and I don't want to be in that position any more.

Really glad to read that you are going to do nice things for yourself going forward.

At 60 you realise that life moves on quickly and expecting life to always be as you want it is not how things pan out.

Unexpected health issues can change things in an instant.

I have several friends that as the approched retirement found that there husbands had expected THEIR plans to be blindly followed.

A couple had daughters marrying and planned on giving their lump sums upon retirement to their children as house deposits and share their wives better pension pots because they were childless.

There were some very hard conversations as my friends were absolutely not on board with this at all.

Also it came out that they wanted to stay local to be on hand for the first grandchild arriving, again, not what my friend wanted.

They have worked things out ish, by my friends being very very firm with their boundaries over the past 2years.
Pension pots will not be shared.

They have a few single friends that they are happy to do her lovely trips with and one has a widowed sister that loves heading off on trips too.

After Covid we now know that things can stop very quickly.

Do not allow his choices to limit yours is my advice.