To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

I think it's reasonable for him to cut his payments by a third as he doesn't need to pay maintenance for a child who it working.
Perhaps he could give 6 month waiting then taper off over another 6 months.

Ah yes, my kids briefly found it hard to fathom the monthly phone bill! Thank you for your perspective

ExW definitely didn't have a plan for maintenance ending. And still doesn't. There's a whole long set of side stories that would make that obvious, but effectively, she does ad hoc work, cash in hand, doesn't claim benefits but also doesn't pay NI or anything. When COVID hit she was in trouble as entitled to nothing from anywhere and lives off the radar. This adds to my concern over lack of an exit plan.

That sounds totally reasonable and I'm going to float it as an idea

This sounds like my ex. Very generous but to the wrong person.

He was enabling his ex wife to sit on her arse meanwhile everyone else including us worked and struggled.

It’s not right. It was his guilt at leaving her which caused him to overcompensate. And the exit plan goalpost kept getting moved to next year then next year…..

I gave up and left. We never stood a chance when his financial loyalty lay with her. I wouldn’t have been so pissed had the money being going to the child but it wasn’t.

So what has/will happen with funding for uni. If DM is a low earner and maintenance loan was based on her income then have they had maximum or close to it maintenance loans? If that is the case the winner is ex if she hasn’t been passing on as a parental contribution. The DC all end up with much higher loans than had parents been together with assessments made on joint income but DP is probably still funding via ‘maintenance’ a similar amount to the expected parental contribution between min and max loans. The DC are potentially worse off unless DP has also covered uni living costs on top of maintenance.

I would have assumed in those circumstances the right thing to do was to stop paying maintenance to his ex when each child started uni, and redirect the money to direct student support. It's really unreasonable of his ex to take the money from your DP and then refuse to provide any support to the student DC. The loan system assumes that parents top up the loans offered, DP can't afford to do that if he's already handing the money over to the ex.

YANBU he shouldn’t be paying for any of them after A levels

No money for the eldest. At that point it’s between them and his mum given they are working and living at home, should be nothing to do with your DH.

Money for second child at uni should be going directly to the child. Maybe a small payment to their mum to cover what could be considered as half their ‘board’ during uni hols (so in uni hols, the payment goes to the mum not the child if that makes sense?).

Maintenance paid for the third as they are still at school.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's a good phrase, financial loyalty. I would not respect any man who did not have that sort of loyalty or responsibility towards his children. And, supporting their mum is an important aspect of that even if spousal support isn't the agreement, it's part of the parcel especially when they're younger.

My DPs ex was the one who ended the marriage. I've wondered if he feels guilty, but I don't have the impression there's anything specific for him to feel guilty about

That sounds exactly correct to me!

That fully makes sense to me!

It's common for young adult children to live at home to save money. So I think he is collectively with his ex supporting her to do this. But it might be that they would be better asking DD to pay rent and your DH puts the money he was paying into a LISA or something for her. I don't think continuing to support young adult children is unreasonable at all though. Encourage him to have a positive open conversation about how long the arrangement should be going on and give good notice of anything changing.

So you’re subsidising this, OP

Sounds like he got f-ed in the divorce (not necessarily due to an affair with OP)

Presumably there's a cultural or familial belief at play & I would question how much of the money actually goes on the kids Vs the house upkeep/spousal support (yes. I know you said she gets none but that might have been a trade off at the time for reliable & generous child support + not going after his pension, savings or future earnings)

If he's wealthy enough I'd expect him to continue paying until there are no kids at home, if he leaves himself short he needs to cut back or earn more

Yes, in a nutshell, and that's what I'm resenting here

Spot the first wives on this thread insisting that it’s perfectly reasonable to pay child support for an actual adult with a FT job. Come on!

He should stop paying for the eldest

Pay the middle one directly if he wants ( money goes directly to her not to ex partner) until she finishes uni

Pay for the youngest until she finishes Uni, but pay directly to her when she starts Uni

When they are at Uni they should be encouraged to get part time jobs so he can cut down on payments

She’s going to have a shock then when she realises her entitlement to a state pension is minimal, having not paid any NI contributions, other than credits due to child benefit. I expect she’ll be expecting your DH to fund her through retirement then.

This is all a concern too, that I'm not sure he has fully faced. I see a head, some sand.....

Yanbu. If the mother needs money to pay the costs of eldest living with her then she needs to charge them rent. I paid rent when living at home and working full time and will expect my children to do the same in future if they’re in that situation. How ridiculous to still pay for a child who’s an adult with a full time job.

Well if he’d actually been a decent dad he’d have the kids 50/50 and there would be no maintenance. It’s his guilt at being a shit father.

As you and your partner are financially separate, you have no say on what he chooses to pay to his ex wife - for child maintenance (actually spousal support).

It does sound like he is paying more than necessary given his eldest child is working full time (although still lives in the family home).

However as the children and the ex wife still all live in the family home, just because the children turn 18, the bills remain the same for running and maintaining the home that the children 'return to'. I can see its a tricky situation that needs to be navigated between your DP and his ex Wife but at the end of the day it's non of your business!

Of course, this is the only explanation 🙄

OP, my DH had written into his divorce agreement that he would continue to pay maintenance for each child until they finished higher education. So as soon as they finished their uni course, his last payment was the end of that month. I thought that was reasonable, but I would not have been at all pleased if he had carried on paying after that. Your DH needs to stop payments for his oldest, and make clear to his EX-W that payments for the others will stop when they leave university.