To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

No I fully agree, it's not cheap. Hence I have been in agreement he supports in whatever way he feels appropriate while they are at uni. Id have leaned toward paying the DC directly, he has preferred to pay the EXW, that's up to him. It's the continuing to provide full "child" maintenance for a full time working 22 year old is what I'm questioning.

But, there are nuances and it's good to hear lots of views :)

It's not child maintenance. All the 'children' are adults.

It's spousal support. Whether he calls it that or not. I suspect he knows he's being mugged off by the ex wife to subsidise her lifestyle but can't own up to it.

If your finances are separate to his then you can't really have a say over whether he continues to pay her or not. It doesn't impact you other than it puts him in a different wealth bracket to you and means you have to limit yourself to match him.

If you reframe your issue - what you're really bothered about is that he's 'poorer' than you and you find it constraining on your well-deserved leisure time at this stage in your lives.

There's no judgement in that by the way. I'd be pissed off too if I had to keep my life 'smaller' than I wanted because my partner was financially hobbling themselves unnecessarily. The question is: what are you prepared to live with?

I always thought child support generally stopped at age 18 (thats the CMS age) or possibly at 19 if still in full time education inline with Child Benefit stopping.

At 22 and also working full time he definitely should not be paying for his eldest thats for sure. If his ex needs the money she should be charging the eldest a contribution towards their living expenses. At 19 and working part time I’d also say he should be pretty much done with paying for the middle child also who could also be paying a small nominal fee towards their living costs, however if they live away from home whilst at uni and he wanted to help support them with those costs that could be done directly as they aren’t costing the ex anything in living expenses if they aren’t at home.

He needs to start paying the middle child directly and his youngest to when uni starts. Their mum can contribute less herself

Yes but it sounds like he's paying his ex-wife maintenance for the one at uni, but she's not providing that child with any financial support, they're having to work to cover the bills. Surely the maintenance money should be going to the student?

I very much hoped my high earning ex would support his daughters through Uni (but direct to them, not to me) - hasn’t happened because he’s an arse but I definitely would not expect him to be supporting them beyond that let alone giving the money directly to me.

Well yes, that would seem to make sense.

Does she work: not much. This is obviously a factor as she is not very financially independent. And I do NOT put down the importance of being a mum or a stay at home mum and that this is a job more important than paid work, I respect and am in awe of good SAHMs. But she also could just possibly try and pay her way a bit more by this point.

Is it working out cheaper for him to keep paying a nominal amount to his ex than to pay three individual amounts- eldest, second and mom?

we maintain separate finances

Then he is free to spend his money on whatever he wants...

Does get challenge you spending money on your kids?

Leave him to spend his money how he wants.

that needs knocking on the head - one months notice and it stops

he is a pushover and absolutely rediculous to keep paying any frankly

possibly for the youngest but any over 19 he isnt obligated to pay! If he did - should go direct to the kids - not the X!! he is mad

This is the crux of it, thank you for your answer.

We've been through lots together, he is a great man and we have a wonderful and fun time together. We have not got married because it is better in this scenario to keep finances separate. But I might suggest something and he hangs back and it's due to money being tighter than it should be. I need to think what I am ok with.

No. Definitely not cheaper

No. I earn very well. It impacts on what we can do together is all.

DH agreed with his ex to pay until DSC leave full time education or til they are 21. But realistically we will continue to support DSC and our joint DD on to university and beyond. Difference is the money will go to the DC not their mum.

That's something that I wonder. I've stayed out of it. The eldest took a full student loan and worked all through uni (weekends and holidays) and I don't think saw any financial support. Not my business exactly, but it would be weird not to hold some opinion on this

This sounds reasonable and fair and kind to me

Are his eldest or the ex going on holiday? If so then that's one way to point out how far out of whack this is.

Agree that as a working legal adult the eldest shouldn't need support - or at least, his dad should know why and what for, eg to help pay off a car loan or similar.

Odd arrangement then.

Is he afraid of confrontation? And is she the kind of person who never saw the end of CM payments coming?

I'd be interested to know why he continues paying for the eldest when it limits what he can do.

So from 18 when at college I would be supporting directly. This is what would happen if their father was still at home. I did provide some support when the kids started work (I know not everyone can do this), but I did provide funding to allow them to adjust in the first year and provided deposits/guaranteed rents. After the year though I eased up. They did squeal a bit TBH- paying their own phone bill is apparently repressive. However, I know parents who are still paying phone and dental bills when their kids are in their 30s and they have kids of their own, so you need a clear but generous exit plan OP.

Stop paying for eldest right away. And pay middle and youngest directly. His Ex is taking the P by letting him continue to pay for all 3.

I dunno, you read on MN all the time about adult offspring working full time and the parents never charging them anything "for living in their own home"

l don’t think it’s relevant whether the eldest lives at home or not. They are working full time and should be paying their own way.

Well it's his DC so his business what he does.
Depending on how much eldest is earning he may still want to help out, but that should probably be direct with oldest DC and not via his ex.
Realistically his ex will still be housing the oldest, paying utilities, buying food etc.
Is eldest DC paying any housekeeping?

Ex- not much
Eldest - loads of end of uni partying and three trips booked this year to party destinations. I don't want to begrudge a 22 year old that who has worked hard though. Id just like a week somewhere with a beach at my advanced age (51!!). Might go by myself or do a girls trip but would be nice as a couple or family