To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

I agree. And I don't think the one should be dependent on the other - up to the mum if she charges her DC housekeeping or not, that's a personal decision in any household

At what point does he plan to stop paying?

I would personally inform wife that payments for the oldest are stopping , pay middle child directly .

if youngest is going to uni would be informing her they will be paid directly from September .

if starting work / apprenticeship payments will stop September .

Does ex work ? It isn’t his responsibility to provide for her indefinitely

Why did the marriage end? Does he feel guilty for some reason and as if he has to carry on paying for it?

The oldest one should start paying their way if still living at home. He can pay middle one direct. Ex should only be getting it for the youngest until they go to uni and then pay them direct too. If he really feels he should, he could give her a small amount for the holiday periods when student age ones are with her. Or they could get part time jobs.

I agree. It's nice to support them at uni, but I don't see why it wouldnt go to them directly

Not usually, but beaten down with "you must be a good dad and support your children" on this particular subject

How much is he paying her?

He is funding his ex..... That's a man who can't stick up for himself...
Bye bye cushy life exw...

He can send some cash direct to the youngest if he wishes... ..

Perhaps he wants to help them? They are his kids and he feels they need it?

What was agreed between them when they split?

my exH pays more than the CMS amount, and per agreement (which was amicably agreed between us) will continue to do so past standard cut off points. There are various reasons for this, and our agreement includes spousal support.

our eldest is already 21, middle child is 19 and at university, youngest still at secondary school (GCSEs). The maintenance amount hasn’t changed, and won’t until he stops paying completely.

We can’t say on here whether the agreement your DH has is unreasonable - that’s between him and his ex wife, and now you. What your arrangement with your exH is/was has no bearing on what your DH now does with regard to his children.

More likely he fears The Wrath from their dm.

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, your husband wants to keep doing it. If he is happy to do it, that’s his choice. You don’t appear to have joint finances so you aren’t paying for it.

If you want him to do more things with you and for him to pay for them, that’s a different discussion to have with him.

I think a previous poster has made a good point about supporting boomerang kids. The eldest is working… but is the eldest earning good money or minimum wage? Do they live in a cheap town or somewhere like London?

Basically, if DP was still with his ex, would they both have agreed it was reasonable for the eldest to move back in and subsidise them? If so, it’s fair for DP to contribute to household expenses, especially if the eldest is saving furiously to move out and be independent.

If the eldest is a spoilt brat earning good money, then there’s no reason to pay towards their upkeep anymore, and it’s down to DP’s ex to have a real conversation about paying their own way in life or moving out.

I do think there is nuance here.

I think he just sees paying for his children as an important part of being a dad, and has allowed himself to be backed into a situation he can't mentally or emotionally see a different way. At some point he decided he should support his children through uni - I definitely agree with him on this - but at what point the support stops keeps getting delayed. And he never did what I assumed he would do - sub his kids a little monthly allowance while they were studying to keep them doing. Now, his EXW has got used to depending on this money to keep a roof over their/ her heads. She is physically and mentally well, but has never worked all that much.

Well the DW will still have expenses post 18, but when the adult child is working full time, they should be paying keep to cover this, not maintenance.

Paying for children is an important part of being a Dad. He is however paying for his ex wife.

My DH stopped paying for his DD the day she graduated. Mind you, she's now moved in with us, but he's paying less than he was when she lived with her DM.

My arrangements with my ex are not relevant, agreed. I have not mentioned this at all for that reason. His agreement did not include spousal support, it was until 18. Children do need more support than that, and I haven't had any concerns about it being for longer, until I can see a lack of any exit strategy.

I agree stopping paying once they are out of full time education, but should the mother only pay to send them to university? It's not cheap!

Maintenance money to his ex for a 22 year old who works full time!? That's ridiculous and he should stop it asap. Is he not keen to ?

That's the discussion we have had, but the one is somewhat dependent on the other as id have to pay his way. Eg he can't afford to go on holiday whatsoever this year, not once. He is leaving himself short.

No, the 22 year old is working full time and the OP's partner is leaving himself short paying maintenance.

He can and should support himself.

Is the other parent still having to provide a hole for these children? If they still have any type of financial dependence on their mother then they should have it with their father too.

Why does RP have the expectation that she will provide a home and pay the bills until all children have full time jobs and enough to behind them to be independent but a NRP has no responsibility beyond an 18th birthday?

Well then surely it's not child support but ex wife support?

I don't get why he's paying for the eldest, who isn't even in education anymore.

"Not usually, but beaten down with "you must be a good dad and support your children"

But none of them are children. The eldest is a fully fledged adult and works full time. They should be paying the Ex for their keep not your DP. DP should pay the university student directly until they graduate. DP should continue paying Ex until the A level student finishes school and then if DC3 goes to college/university pay them directly until they graduate.

At the moment Ex is laughing all the way to the bank. Does she work?