To think dp should stop paying child support....

[VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa]

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

My DP has a 24 year old dd who he still pays for, she works PT due to health issues and he pays £200 a month directly to her and we pay for any additional health related costs. She’s absolutely delightful and so grateful for the continued help, in my mind support shouldn’t end abruptly at 18 or when a child is out of education, being a parent is forever ! It also makes me feel a lot more secure that I’m with a decent man who wants to support his children and treats his dd the same as he treats our dc.

True, I have the story from one side, although my impression there didn't come from DP himself. Id rather not have known how much the mortgage is, but I do because DP has been asked to pay it on a couple of occasions. It's entirely appropriate he discussed it with me since we live together and have an element of shared financials. It's not overstepping for me to take an interest in whether his kids got to keep a roof over their heads or given the option to move full time to under ours. I guess he could have not discussed it with me at all and maybe they just turn up with suitcases one day, I'd have probably had a couple of questions at that point though.

Thank you. I do agree with this hence asking this thread. Especially now things are financially very tough out there and lots of young people do need help to get on their feet. It's refreshing as well to celebrate men who do pay up properly, given the huge numbers who don't

Does he still love his ex perchance?

@Neitheruse Most posters would agree with you and the OP probably would as well.

Giving money directly to an adult child and paying health-related expenses is very different to giving money to their parent -unless the adult child is unable to manage their finances for some reason (due to their health, for example).

I know that I’ll be giving money to my two when they’re in their 20’s, but if DH and I split up, why would I give that money to him instead of them?

Tbh, we encouraged DD (nearly 20) to start managing her own finances when she went to uni. Both DH and I give her money, but we do so separately and the money goes directly to her to manage, except for her tuition fees as I pay the uni. Yes, there’s been a couple of cockups when she forgot to pay her rent on time and incurred interest on her credit card when she paid late -we reminded her for a few months and then she got into the habit.

If she ever moves home, I can’t see her wanting to revert to her parents managing money intended for her. She’d rather be given the money herself and make a contribution to the household expenses.

No, he loves his kids and respects that she's a good mum to them though

This would not be your opinion if you were the mother. Which is why step parenting does not work, especially for the children involved.

So basically your partner is paying his ex wife to sit on her arse while you and he and his eldest work? He really needs to stop paying for eldest and next dc should be phased out as they leave uni or reach 21. Ex will never not need the money , it's never going to be the right time for her but your partner needs to tell her as they reach 21 it stops.

He should stop paying the ExW for the two older ones & give them an allowance each, an amount he can afford & not leaving himself short. Once the Youngest is finished at Uni same goes for them too. whether the Exw needs it or not is not your husbands concern. He's providing for his kids & their needs as he should but has no responsibility to her.