To think my friend is making a HUGE mistake and she should leave well alone.

[Minieggloverrr]

My lovely friend caught her husband cheating on her a few months ago. She found lots of telling text messages between him and OW and naturally everything blew up enormously. She contacted OW’s husband to tell him and started chatting to OW’s husband regularly - they leaned on each other during the inevitable fall out and when OW and her husband moved in together, taking OW’s child with them.

Fast forward a few months and my friend and OW’s husband are dating, very seriously with a view to moving in together themselves. Friend is very happy, in fact everyone seems to be happy but I have heard from friend that OW and her ex are furious about their relationship. I think they thought they’d just melt away into the distance but of course because of the child they are in and out of each others lives a lot.

She is adamant that it’s not a rebound thing and it’s not done out of spite - just that they genuinely love one another. The child moves between the two houses seemingly oblivious to the old relationships of the parents (child is 4).

However hard I try I cannot get my head around how this will pan out in the future. Has anyone had prior experience of this and can it work long term? I don’t think my friend would cope with another devastation and I worry for her.

The 4 year old certainly isn't oblivious. I have one and they'd be Very aware, and likely confused by this strange set up.

did she already know OWs husband? Poor child.

its very weird and almost certainly a rebound done out of spite.

Sounds like a trauma bond but there’s not much you can do. I doubt she will listen to you.

I mean, they might all live happily ever after, but it's got shitstorm written all over it.

The best thing you can do OP, at this point, is keep out of it. But be prepared to have the Kleenex out at short notice.

No she didn’t know the OW’s husband before all of this. I fear it has nightmare written all over it too.

That all sounds really messy

I once lived on a small estate which had a swapping club. Pampas grass also...
2 dc lived between 2 couples who swapped permanently.. Though 1 pair moved away after a short while...

I have a friend who eventually got together with the ex husband of the OW that her DH had an affair with. Was not straight away, was probably 5 or 6 years later, and it's actually worked out really really well - some of both lots of kids were friends beforehand (same sport) so the families knew each other pretty well and they are all now adults (with a couple of kids). There was a lot of fall out at the time but that's all blown over. Both OHs are good mates again, the OW is tolerated politely by my friend for family reasons but she's not 'best mates' (you'd have to know my friend really well to discover she doesn't actually like OW as a person) And to all and sundry, they're all just 2 families who are very good friends from when the kids were little. The kids approve, and I don't think anybody would guess they swapped partners about 15-20 years ago unless anyone told you. Mind you, it might be confusing for the 2 grandkids, but I think they're grandad (name) etc.
They had no further kids in the new marriages though - that might make things different.

It makes sense really.

Her and OW obviously have the same taste in men, her new dp and her came together in a time of trauma for both and have relied on each other and supported each other and been there for each other.

It's not ideal, but she's obviously happy, and she deserves some happiness after what she's been through.

Any relationship could turn out to be a nightmare for multiple reasons.

My friend from school had this exact situation with her parents when she was 11, but there were more kids involved. I remember we all found it so strange. Her parents had her and her brother, her mum had an affair with a married man with 3 kids. Then her dad got together with her mum's affair partners wife. The 5 kids were suddenly step brothers and sisters moving between the same 2 houses all the time.

I haven't seen her for years but as far as I know the mum split up with her partner, but her dad is still with the other woman. It was weird at the time but it actually didn't seem to cause her any lasting damage.

I don't think you should interfere.

You asked if anybody had any experience of , weirdly, yes, I do, it was many many years ago now and the children involved would now be in their 40's.

We knew both couples before the affair and the children knew each other. I lost touch with them years ago after moving overseas but until that point everything had gone well for them, all the children were all happy moving between the two houses and still having regular contact with both the actual parents and their step parents.

The children also got on really well together & as both sets of parents had similar standards and ways of life, there really wasn't much to get up in arms about.

It may well have nightmare written all over it. It may well end well. My parents met within a week of their first divorces. They were happily married for 25 years before they split, and that was a pretty amicable split.

Wow. That’s an eastenders episode

It’s a bit rich for the OW and exH to be cross about it.
I don’t think a 4 year old will be particularly bothered as long as the adults involved are all being reasonable and grown up (ha!) about it.

i think that whatever we or you think about this relationship will not matter to your friend… and at the end of the day it’s up to her.
Could work out for her or might not, so just carry on being a caring friend, as that’s all you can do.

When I was a kid I had a friend whose DF was married to the exwife of her DM’s husband. All got on fine!

Your friend is old enough to make her own mistakes, and this may not be one.
As a friend, the best thing you can do is support her decisions.

My parents knew two brothers who effectively swapped wives after one had an affair with the other. They all remained close and used to socialise together etc. Weird, but it apparently worked for them.

In this case, it kind of serves the affair couple right if they're annoyed by their respective spouses getting together. There's a sort of justice in it! And if your friend seems happy, then I would leave well alone.

Well, it worked out OK for Shania Twain and her now husband in the end.

Well on the positive side, the two cheats are unhappy. Karma!

The situation has the potential to be a shit storm but equally after a rocky start, it could pan out to be OK. Unfortunately, no one knows what's likely to happen. Presumably you have voiced your concern and your friend has reassured you that she's happy and all is well? If this is the case, then say no more. You've said your piece, you can't protect your friend from potentially becoming hurt again. Just be there with tissues, a tub of ice-cream, a bottle of wine and a listening ear, if it should all go pear shaped. There's no more you can do.

There's only one child, so it shouldn't be too confusing for him - it would have been much worse if both couples had children. Apart from that, who knows, they might live happily ever after, they might not, it's her life, leave her to it.

I know of a situation exactly like this, although with a slightly older child, happening right now. Funny old world.

I'd not offer my opinion, OP. You won't be thanked for it.

I know a very similar story and the “cheated on” couple are still going strong 30yrs later, while the original H and OW fizzled out after a couple of years.

It happens 🤷‍♀️

Think my money is on your friend's relationship lasting whilst her ex's and OW peters out