To think my friend is making a HUGE mistake and she should leave well alone.

[Minieggloverrr]

My lovely friend caught her husband cheating on her a few months ago. She found lots of telling text messages between him and OW and naturally everything blew up enormously. She contacted OW’s husband to tell him and started chatting to OW’s husband regularly - they leaned on each other during the inevitable fall out and when OW and her husband moved in together, taking OW’s child with them.

Fast forward a few months and my friend and OW’s husband are dating, very seriously with a view to moving in together themselves. Friend is very happy, in fact everyone seems to be happy but I have heard from friend that OW and her ex are furious about their relationship. I think they thought they’d just melt away into the distance but of course because of the child they are in and out of each others lives a lot.

She is adamant that it’s not a rebound thing and it’s not done out of spite - just that they genuinely love one another. The child moves between the two houses seemingly oblivious to the old relationships of the parents (child is 4).

However hard I try I cannot get my head around how this will pan out in the future. Has anyone had prior experience of this and can it work long term? I don’t think my friend would cope with another devastation and I worry for her.

Firstly, the cheating exes aren’t entitled to be furious or have any opinion at all! Not been in exactly this situation but did end up in a relationship with the ex of the person my ex husband had just started dating and eventually married. At the point we met I was not aware of the connection or who my husband was dating. It obviously needs a bit of navigating and the fact they got talking due to the circumstances could be concerning but it’s really up to them. My main worry would be that she remains in the relationship even if it’s not working as some sort of ‘up yours’ to her ex so just keep an eye out of that and be there for her if it goes wrong, which it could no matter who she had started a relationship with soon after the break up.

Well this happened in my tiny village in the 1980s, you can imagine the scandal at the time. Both families had a son and a daughter who were already friends, so they neatly moved into each others houses, one house with the two girls and one with the boys. They went on holidays all together, were all totally happy with the situation, and the couples are still together 40 years later. So yes, it can work out beautifully!

I reckon this happens more often than you think

I think this is more common than you realise - brought together by a shared experience and found comfort, also being the ones cheated on mean they’re both less likely to be the cheat.

Was just thinking that this is the Shania Twain life story! Second husband was an upgrade too.

I also know of 2 couples where this happened with children from both of the original marriages in the same year at school. Apparently it all worked very amicably with joint Christmases and holidays.

It doesn't need to be a disaster if the grownups manage to put aside grudges.

Shania Twain, country singer did this. Her ex left her for her BFF. She ended up marrying ex BFF's ex husband.

Spite! Love it! Feel for the kid though being raised in this bizarre set up. This relationship will be like a verruca that won’t go away. Sounds like everyone has watched ‘Caligula’ too many times.

Honestly I think you’re the one that should leave well enough alone, OP.

Whether it works or doesn’t or blows up, just be a supportive friend to her. If you try to interfere and give unsolicited opinions or advice she’s just going to think that you’re “against” her and get hostile. Let her get on with it. Who knows, it may turn out well.

Both couples do have a child. The ow has moved her child in with the OP'friend's husband and the OP's friend is already wanting to move her child in with the new bloke too. There are 2 children here who none of the adults involved seem to care about.

My mums friend did this when her marriage ended about 40 years ago. They are still happily together and in their 70s-80s now, so I think we can say it worked. It’s logical in a way as there must be commonalities which made each couple like each other.

My husband’s dad cheated on MIL and left her for OW. MIL and OW’s husband then got together and were together up until 2022 when her partner passed away from illness. They seemed to get along just fine, MIL is still bitter over the split and I’m not sure if it ever fully worked out for them, my husband’s dad didn’t come to our wedding as OW wasn’t allowed to sit at our top table - why would she, his own mother was there 🙃

I have seen this happen. Husband and wife and engaged couple are great friends, socialise and holiday together etc. Engaged couple work together. No kids of either relationship though.
Husband and female of couple get together, huge drama, Wife and male of couple increasingly upset and of course the ex-couple are still working together which is difficult. Wife and male increasinoy rely on each other for emotional support and then become a couple. Husband and new partner irrationally furious about this.
long story short one divorce and two weddings later the new marriages are good and both had kids (married now for 25 years) but neither couple has forgiven the other!

I know of 2 couples who had this scenario. The 2 who "ran away" together the relationship didn't last very long at all. The other two ended up together, I believe starting from the place of their spouse chucked them out to set up with the affair partner and as they had nowhere to go/couldn't afford a hotel long term they asked the other abandoned partner if they could stay there for a bit. They got married once they were able to and were very happy for many many years until the husband died of MND. She cared for him for a long time. So it can work.

I had a school friend who had this very thing happen with her parents, her mum and partner are still together and very happy. Her step dad and AP split up a few years later. That was his third marriage and I believe he went on to marry his AP from that marriage too.

I also know of this happening. My friend and her husband got together after their former spouses had an affair. No children in the first marriages though, and as far as I can remember the cheating spouses' relationship didn't last.

I think your friend’s ex and his new partner have got a huge cheek being annoyed about this. How dare they after how they’ve behaved. I also think that it’s rebound and your friend and her new man are clinging together out of shared hurt. They might work out, none of us know.
The four year old is the concerning one here, the adults can sort themselves out. Hopefully the four adults will put little one first.

All you can do is bide your time, not get too involved, and be there with a shoulder to cry on.

This.

Weirdly I worked with someone many years ago that this happened to she left with friends husband and her husband and friend got together 🤷‍♀️ they are all still together and happy as far as I know so life's a funny thing.

I don't think this is that uncommon.

Working in schools for years I can think of at least 10 occasions this happened with parents just off the top of my head

I think this is a huge rebound thing and your friend and the OWs husband will come crashing down awfully.
the bastards who had the affair will be fine however.

Did it impress you much (sorry couldn’t resist! I’ll get my coat…)

Believe this happened when Shania Twain's marriage broke down ... her husband cheated with her friend (OW) and Shania Twain and OW's husband ended up getting together as well.

Well, it's not something you hear about every day. Off the top of my head, I can only think of once when I knew of a married couple who both paired off with the partners of another married couple. They were all young and all probably got married too young. I believe both new couples got married, no kids involved. However, I lost touch and don't know what happened from there.

But sometimes coincidences occur. If this is a rebound relationship, your friend will figure that out in time. But even if it is, she is apparently getting support etc. that is helping her out right now. So, why shouldn't she go with it? Say she gets over her marriage break-up with this guy, and then she and this guy eventually split up. The possibility of that doesn't seem to me like any reason to cut off something that's working for her so far.

I think it's wild that despite it only being a few months this poor child now has two more adults in their life that may or may not stick around.

So by all means have a relationship but take it very slowly with moving in and involving the child.