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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

154 replies

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

OP posts:
Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 17:01

He hasn't got your back. He never has and never will. Walk away. And don't look back..

PullTheBricksDown · 22/04/2025 17:01

It doesn't look like support is coming if you haven't had it all this time. How do your own children feel about this domestic set up? How old is the difficult stepdaughter now?

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 17:03

Not unreasonable at all. Your SD will probably realise soon enough that the grass is always greener on the other side but that won’t be your issue. You are right not yo get involved in a pick-me dance. I’d ask them all to leave but they can stay for 10 days while they sort elsewhere to live.

ThejoyofNC · 22/04/2025 17:08

This is so sad. You are making the right decision OP, that's no way to live. He could choose to help her and put a stop to this behaviour before it continues into adulthood, but he isn't.

DBD1975 · 22/04/2025 17:08

So sorry OP, nightmare situation
I have no advice for you other than I couldn't do it, my patience would have worn thin a long time ago.
Is it worth sitting her down telling her how you feel and asking her what you could do together to rectify the situation. I would be very honest with her about how you are feeling and, if there is nothing which can be done, your out.
Not sure if family counselling might help? Your partner sounds like he feels guilty and possibly over compensates
I hope others on here have some helpful advice for you.

Dramatic · 22/04/2025 17:08

I am in a similar situation except my step daughter is 50/50 between both houses. It is getting to the point where I'm debating whether her behaviour is so detrimental to my children that I will have to break up my marriage over it. When you get together with a man who has a toddler (or baby in my case) you never dream that toddler will grow in to someone who causes so much distress. It's a horrible situation to be in.

FranticHare · 22/04/2025 17:08

Asking him to choose between you and her? And then he told you about it?
It was the right response to not get involved in that game.

Is this the final straw that forces your partner to step up and deal with her? Or will he just walk away, tail between legs, taking his 2 daughters with him?

I'm not sure that 2nd option will help the daughter at all - but likewise things can't stay as they are! And what about his other daughter? Poor thing!

CopperWhite · 22/04/2025 17:15

You say his daughter will be overjoyed but she’ll still be a messed up kid who is damaged by what her parents have done. It’s very sad and although she might initially be glad that you have separated, and assuming she is a teenager she is still too young to really understand the consequences. Blended families never work for everyone involved.

Amuseaboosh · 22/04/2025 17:15

The issue is your partner and his daughter has always known he isn't aligned with you.

What a heartbreaking situation for you.

How old is she?

Ultimately, you need to prioritise your sanity and wellbeing for you and your other children. You've tried talking to him, it's gone nowhere.

Walk away.

LavenderFields7 · 22/04/2025 17:17

What ages and how many children are there in total?

BMW6 · 22/04/2025 17:19

Tell him he needs to leave your home and take hus children with him.

Cucy · 22/04/2025 17:19

If this has been going on for years then I do think it’s best for everyone (especially you) to have him move out and have a relationship and parent separately.

One of the hardest things in the world is blending families and it sounds like you’ve tried your hardest to make it work but if he’s not going to support you then you have no choice but to ask him to move out.

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/04/2025 17:20

Teenage girls can be really really hard and upsetting. You’ve raised her for a decade, you ARE her mother figure. Stay the course.

CruCru · 22/04/2025 17:21

So you own the house? You can’t walk away from it, it is your and your children’s asset. He will need to move out with his daughters.

HiRen · 22/04/2025 17:22

You’re doing the right thing. She’s not your child, they already have a mother. At best you’d be a bonus mother-figure in their life, but it seems that isn’t possible. There’s no bonus for anyone here. Your DH doesn’t see the issue, you’re not going to get anything from him.

What a sad situation. Ten years, gone. So sorry OP.

Vaxtable · 22/04/2025 17:22

He’s never had your back. That said he is putting his kids first albeit making a rod for his own back as that child won’t change

You need to do the same with yours

so he and his kids need to leave. Hard as it is agree a date with him on when he will move out

you may want to consider still seeing him but living separate from him if you still want to do that but be prepared for the child to continue to interfere

user31908734289 · 22/04/2025 17:23

Your responsibility is to your own children. Put them first.
your relationship could, if you wanted, continue in separate houses until the kids are all grown up, but don’t let your children be bullied in their own home.

AluckyEllie · 22/04/2025 17:24

I feel for the other stepdaughter who will likely feel devastated at loosing her mother figure. But the step daughter and definitely the partner need to go. Because he’s not a partner. He’s using you as a free house/childcare (they were 2&3!) and to do the menial things he can’t be bothered to like picking presents. That’s ridiculous. He’s a shit father and a shit partner. Get him out of your house. Change the locks.

tinyspiny · 22/04/2025 17:24

Just tell him to leave , life is too short and it sounds like this has already likely had a detrimental effect on your own children .

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2025 17:29

He’s not a good partner, don’t say that. And he’s not a good father if he’s only willing ti parent her by text message, wtf?

I think you say you’re living apart already so I’m not sure why you’re ever alone with her. I certainly wouldn’t be in sole charge of a child who refused to talk to me, that’s mad.

I can hear how upset you are but it is for the best to split up. Being with someone who doesn’t have your back or consider you an equal part of a team, especially after everything you’ve done for his kids, will erode all your love and respect for him if it hasn’t already.

You’re doing the right thing by walking away. You deserve better than you’re getting. Blended families definitely can work but this one isn’t. I hope happier days lie ahead of you.

Winter2020 · 22/04/2025 17:31

Could you ask him to leave but consider continuing your relationship - depending on how that works out in practice.

If you both had your own homes and parent separately perhaps you can enjoy your relationship again. Or perhaps it would fizzle out.

These children are perhaps teenagers now? They won't need intense parenting forever.

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 17:34

More support from him would have been the minimum really.
And YANBU for wanting a separation.

Yes Theres how the dd is acting, making walk on eggshells. The impact it has on you. But it’s also the impact on your own dcs.

The only thing I’d look at is if you could keep some sort of tie with his other dc (you’re not mentioning them. I’m assuming the relationship with them is good?). For your own sake (I can see how hard it would be first you to walk away wo backward glance), fir his dc (who would be loosing a mother figure) and for your own dcs (who would be loosing what were siblings).

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 17:36

Stop putting yourself last in your own life. It isn’t your job to ‘save’ your partner and his children, and in trying to you’re dragging both yourself and your own children down. Do you think they’ll thank you for it, in years to come? What are you teaching them other than to be doormats accepting disrespect and mistreatment?

Stop.

Hwi · 22/04/2025 17:37

Your house! Kick those idiots out, end of. And yes, some people are born evil, I am afraid.

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 17:37

How old is this DD of his? Can you send her away to boarding school? Is she old enough to leave the home, as an adult?

These are things I'd be looking at as well.