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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

154 replies

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2025 20:41

"Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should."

He is NOT a good partner. If he were, he'd have your back, and he'd be on top of his daughter's behaviour. He is a bad partner, and a bad father. Sad

It's time for him to step up as a father, move out with his daughters, provide them with a home and his full attention. And you need to heal and give your full attention to yourself and your children, who must have been affected by all this.

Be kind to yourself. Tell him to 'pick her', and go.

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:41

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 20:36

She isn’t her mother. She doesn’t need to step up for her at the expense of herself and her own children.

She loves the girls. She is the closest thing they have to a mother. She loves her husband and no doubt the kids all have a strong bond after a decade. Apart from her getting eviled and some back chat, nothing has actually happened. It all sounds very dramatic. Think there are quite a few interventions that can happen before splitting up the family.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 20:48

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:41

She loves the girls. She is the closest thing they have to a mother. She loves her husband and no doubt the kids all have a strong bond after a decade. Apart from her getting eviled and some back chat, nothing has actually happened. It all sounds very dramatic. Think there are quite a few interventions that can happen before splitting up the family.

That doesn’t mean she is required to stay and continue keeping herself and her own children, the ones she does have a responsibility to prioritize, in an environment she describes as having broken her.

Fuck that. There are worse things than splitting up a family you’re unhappy in, and one of them is remaining in it.

Hdjdb42 · 22/04/2025 20:53

It's not working is it? I'd ask him to leave and focus on his relationship with his children.

Terrapinn · 22/04/2025 20:53

I am relieved that you can see all the dysfunction now.

I wouldnt waste any more time diagnosing the issue and apportioning blame. Thats just futile.

All that matters now is that you have dropped the rope with the other adult. This will restore your power to make the best choices for your own physical and emotional well-being and that of your own DCs as you are not engaged locking horns with an unsolvble problem. Dont demonise this child. Dont expend your depleted energy, headspace and time discussing this with your OH.

Tell him its not working out. Dont allow any drama - keep it calm and simple - TELL him - you are 'not compatible' - he needs to move his family out by end of May. Dont blame the DD (its just handing him the bullets for her to shoot you with). Rinse and repeat if necessary. No further discussion (taste of his own medicine) - then just take action - set the ball rolling.

I hope you have friends or family who can help you take a step each day to get this leech out of your home.

Look to your own DC and how you can circle the wagons, re-group and make up for lost time. You are likely depleted and approaching peri-meno which means that you need to conserve your energy and peace of mind and focus it on yourself and your DCs.

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 20:55

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:41

She loves the girls. She is the closest thing they have to a mother. She loves her husband and no doubt the kids all have a strong bond after a decade. Apart from her getting eviled and some back chat, nothing has actually happened. It all sounds very dramatic. Think there are quite a few interventions that can happen before splitting up the family.

Nothing has happened at all??
The dd pitching the OP’s children against each other
She is manipulating people, incl her own father
She is outright rude and aggressive.

That’s plenty unless you wanted juicy examples to try and pull them apart??

And then you have her DP’s reaction. Which amount to not a lot.
Again did you need juicy examples to believe the OP? Is her word not enough to you but you feel you need to set yourself up as THE judge maybe?

Come on. No decides to blow their life wo good reasons!

Terrapinn · 22/04/2025 21:00

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:41

She loves the girls. She is the closest thing they have to a mother. She loves her husband and no doubt the kids all have a strong bond after a decade. Apart from her getting eviled and some back chat, nothing has actually happened. It all sounds very dramatic. Think there are quite a few interventions that can happen before splitting up the family.

The OP said that the DSD creates friction amongst her own DC and that her partner function apart together. This 'family' is already split up - just still under the same roof and everyone is suffering and the damage is continuing day in day out. Best for all if OP calmly calls it a day and works to reverse the inevitable damage this toxic situation has inflicted on her own DC.

Tooty78 · 22/04/2025 21:00

Walk away and leave them to it, they deserve each other.
Your own peace of mind is more important.

Lavender14 · 22/04/2025 21:07

It sounds like the situation is becoming untenable op and as your partner he should be sitting down and discussing a plan of action with you. The atmosphere is bound to be affecting the other kids in the house. I'm guessing from your post that his girls are early/mid teens now?

What I would say - is just that teenage years with that family dynamic and the balls her mother is making for her to fire are probably going to be a bit brutal. Many parents end up feeling like they loose their kids a little and then they come back around as they get older and hormones and life settles out a bit and you've stuck it through with them. So in that respect I think if you really see her as your own I'd be trying to power through it BUT the crucial part of that is always going to be a united front with your dh. He is setting you both up to fail by refusing to work together with you. I would sit down with him and explain very clearly to him the impact this is having on everyone and that it's so bad that you're thinking it could end your marriage. I'd tell him that you need to do couples counselling to get the two of you on the same page, and then family counselling with his dd. If he's not agreeable then you know he's happy to continue the status quo and you make your choice accordingly.

If he does agree and you do decide to work on it, other things to consider would be getting that dd into lots of positive outlets like sport/ horses/ whatever she would be inclined to do that gives her a bit of a release and responsibilities. A chat with the gp about her mental health/ behaviours might be in order as well. Is it possible she's struggling emotionally or maybe a bit of a personality issue arising?

It's a hard decision op but ultimately you can only act on what your dh is giving you.

Terrapinn · 22/04/2025 21:07

Op have you considered what sort of character your DP is to have been in a long term relationship with such a dangerous/unstable/toxic woman and then chose to not one but twice have a child with her.

What does that tell you about him? Were there any subs abuse issues involved - only because you say that DSDs mother doesnt want her social life compromised by having her toddlers EOW ... was your DP an addict? Could he still be? Would that explain his 'head in the sand' - he sounds totally avoidant / disconnected / dissociated. That must be a frustrating, lonely and painful emotional existance for you.

Windowtothe · 22/04/2025 21:11

OP, I hear your pain. I have been through what you are going through at the moment and after many many lost years being bullied in my own home by my SC and their mother, I ended it.

5 years on and myself and my own DC are thriving.

The peace was instant.

You will be made out to be the bad guy but that’s a small price to pay for your sanity and that safety of your own kids.

Don’t leave it a moment longer.

Thrive, don't just survive.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 22/04/2025 21:38

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 22/04/2025 18:38

You decided to take on two very young children and you can't just abandon them. They see you as their mother especially the younger one who's done nothing wrong anyway. It's quite shocking that most people on this thread have said nothing about this.

Her partner is not supporting her to be a parent to them. She is not at fault. If he wants her to stick around he needs to work with her and be a team, not enable sd's behaviour.

PooksBear · 22/04/2025 22:02

Not your circus, not your monkeys

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/04/2025 22:11

He mustn't have any control over her if she thinks she's entitled at the age of 12-13 to tell her dad to choose between her and you. Where would she even get such an idea?? From her mum, I suppose.

Sorry, OP. No advice here as I've never lived in a blended family. Ideally, at her age, both adults would laugh off her demand. Just not give it airtime. But it sounds as if he puts up with all this nonsense. If he can't discipline her, then they should probably leave, as the situation is untenable with a child running the show and able to create this chaos. Has he even tried withdrawing privileges and such, or telling her off for her behaviour and giving consequences?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/04/2025 22:14

An idea - could she go and live with her mum, since she hates you so much?

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 22:16

Thank you so much for your support.
I will be back with updates and answers to posts.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 22/04/2025 22:33

but I feel very sorry for the child because she is about to be rejected by the only real mum she's ever had.

The OP isn't rejecting her. She is rejecting OP. The DSD has asked her father to choose her or OP, no child should have that power over an adult relationship. But she's done it, knowing full well that her father will choose her.

The OP is only jumping before she's pushed.

OP I'm so glad that you're not married to him and that it's your house. You've done as much as you can, if not more, for him and the DCs. He won't make it easy for you but you tell him to leave and take the DCs with him. You and your own children have the right to live in peace in your house. Do it for your children if you waver about doing it for you.

Terrapinn · 22/04/2025 22:50

Hilarious that the DP is intentionally allowing his own DD to make him homeless - how is he expecting the OP to meet his DDs demands - that the OP and her DC move out of their own home?

tsmainsqueeze · 22/04/2025 22:58

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 17:37

How old is this DD of his? Can you send her away to boarding school? Is she old enough to leave the home, as an adult?

These are things I'd be looking at as well.

'Send her away to boarding school ' - here's your answer !🙄

CalmBalonz · 22/04/2025 23:09

Walk away.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/04/2025 23:11

I wonder if DSD has thought this through...that if her dad "chooses" her, they'll have to leave the OP's nice home and all the comforts she provides, and leave her two siblings as well. She's only 13, so she might have assumed that OP will leave. 🙈

uberdriver · 23/04/2025 02:03

tsmainsqueeze · 22/04/2025 22:58

'Send her away to boarding school ' - here's your answer !🙄

Why not though? She would be free to have a marvelous time and the family wouldn't miss the aggro.

Has no one been to boarding school on this thread or something? are your ideas about boarding school strictly from Victorian melodramas and Veronica at the Wells type novellas?

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2025 02:19

I wonder if DSD has thought this through...that if her dad "chooses" her, they'll have to leave the OP's nice home and all the comforts she provides,

I bet she hasn't. She's expecting OP to be thrown out on the streets while she gets the house and Daddy all to herself. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

OP please don't listen to any blandishments from him, promises that things will be different, plaintive pleas of 'but where will I go'. He's let you down badly for a long time. You've asked him to change things and he hasn't. Too little, too late - if he even meant it and wasn't just stringing you along to keep his feet under the table.

There's no man so desperate as one who has kids to look after and sees the roof over his head, his cook and nanny vanishing. Stay strong. You've done your bit, now it's time for you and your DCs to be safe and happy.

autisticbookworm · 23/04/2025 04:29

Yes I would ask him to leave. It worked for a while and now it has stopped working. Continuing is unfair to everyone. If he had had your back then you could perhaps have found a way to continue your relationship but he didn’t. Don’t lose your house .