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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

154 replies

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

OP posts:
Horses7 · 22/04/2025 18:33

Your life sounds miserable so something has to change and fast, if SD can’t live with her Mum I would ask Dad to move out with his kids.

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 22/04/2025 18:38

You decided to take on two very young children and you can't just abandon them. They see you as their mother especially the younger one who's done nothing wrong anyway. It's quite shocking that most people on this thread have said nothing about this.

Easipeelerie · 22/04/2025 18:38

He’s not got your back so best to leave him.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/04/2025 18:41

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 22/04/2025 18:38

You decided to take on two very young children and you can't just abandon them. They see you as their mother especially the younger one who's done nothing wrong anyway. It's quite shocking that most people on this thread have said nothing about this.

She's not abandoning them 🙄. They have their father who will have to step up

Sassybooklover · 22/04/2025 18:42

Ultimately your responsibility is to your own children. You must do what is best for you and your children. If the situation with your partner's eldest daughter has become unbearable, and it's having a detrimental effect on you and your children, then it's time for your partner to go, and take his children with him. Your partner doesn't have your back, never has and is never going to either. He isn't listening to your concerns and is failing to parent his own daughter. Texting her to say she needs to talk to you, eat the food you cook etc, is nothing but a cop out. He should be reading her the riot act, and there should be consequences for poor behaviour. Instead he burries his head in the sand, and pretends there's nothing wrong, and she's a little angel. He doesn't want to admit there's an issue because then, he'd actually need to parent! You sound as if you have been the constant Mother figure in both girls lives, and have tried your absolute best. None of the situation is your fault. Your partner is fully to blame.

Sparkling2006 · 22/04/2025 18:42

They need to go.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 22/04/2025 18:43

He’s failing to support you and setting her up for failure in her own relationships now, and when she’s older, by failing to parent her. The only person he can prioritise is himself, as he’s choosing the easy option by not stepping up for anyone. If you’ve spoken to him and he hasn’t made any changes you have to prioritise yourself and your children.

NeedToChangeName · 22/04/2025 18:44

Blended families are often challenging. As a society, I feel we don't always acknowledge this enough

Good luck OP, however things turn out

daisychain01 · 22/04/2025 18:51

It's an awful situation that unfortunately has no other solution than for you to separate.

Your DSD will always see you as the person who stands between her and her father. You can never be her mother, so your place will always be in the wrong.

your partner is between a rock and a very hard place, trying not to rock the board with his DD, who sounds like a very unhappy young woman, trying to keep the peace and unable to get the right balance of discipline and support.

these situations rarely end well. All you can do is accept that things can't get better and the only way forward is to live separate lives.

Scentedjasmin · 22/04/2025 18:52

Personally, if a child or teenager was being unkind to me, I would quietly sit down with them and let them know that you are a person with feelings and try to make them take some ownership. I think that it's all too easy for kids to regard parents and adults as unfeeling punching bags because we tend not to show our feelings and instead respond by asserting boundaries. But I think that children should learn that they are not the only ones with feelings.

It's understandable that she will have grown up to be like that as her mother 'abandoned' her. To me she is very much trying to test to see whether you would leave if pushed or whether her Dad would put her above all others. You also have your other step daughter to consider. If you leave, how will that impact her?

But then on the other hand, you have your own children to consider and obviously they come first. And you need to ensure that you are well enough to support them.

It all sounds very tricky. I don't think that many men are that good at knowing how to respond to teenage girls to be fair and she certainly sounds like a challenge.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 19:02

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 22/04/2025 18:38

You decided to take on two very young children and you can't just abandon them. They see you as their mother especially the younger one who's done nothing wrong anyway. It's quite shocking that most people on this thread have said nothing about this.

They aren’t her children, and she absolutely can walk away.

She isn’t obliged to sacrifice her own wellbeing, and that of her own children, on the altar of ‘proving herself’ worthy to these kids. It’s not on her to live her life unhappily for their benefit.

Muffinmam · 22/04/2025 19:02

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 22/04/2025 18:38

You decided to take on two very young children and you can't just abandon them. They see you as their mother especially the younger one who's done nothing wrong anyway. It's quite shocking that most people on this thread have said nothing about this.

Yes she can. She owes them nothing - especially the manipulative little brat.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/04/2025 19:09

He’s taking the piss and he needs to move out with his daughters. Give him a few weeks to find somewhere. It’ll be cheaper without them being there too.

Glindaa · 22/04/2025 19:15

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

How old is your SD? Perhaps call all their bluffs. Say to him that you love him & his kids but if he can’t support you and present a united front then it’s not healthy for you and you will need to go separate ways. Give him ten days to move out.
Tell his daughter that you care for her and understand she wants her dad to herself so you are going to give that to her and you’ve asked her dad to find a new place for them all to go and live.
If you can, smile and be breezy about it all
ideally though try to make yourself scarce til they’re gone. Visit friends fam etc.
They’ll all want to come back. But it’ll be on your terms

TonTonMacoute · 22/04/2025 19:15

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when

This the root of your problem.

Its not about him choosing between you and SD, it's about him facing up to the fact that his DD is causing trouble, and being a proper parent to her.

He needs to wake up and realise there will be big consequences for everyone unless he gets his shit together.

Katemax82 · 22/04/2025 19:15

Your stepdaughter sounds like one of my stepsons

Mondayblues2 · 22/04/2025 19:17

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/04/2025 19:09

He’s taking the piss and he needs to move out with his daughters. Give him a few weeks to find somewhere. It’ll be cheaper without them being there too.

This

Jabberwok · 22/04/2025 19:19

Two things jump out from the op. Firstly, the partner received right to remain. So he is not a national of the ops country, he moved into her house. Clearly he is not interested in parenting the children, dodging questions about presents. Basically he's found a mother for his kids and stable home so he is able to live his life and perhaps even used it to stay in that country.

Secondly, the op doesn't mention how the other sd or her own kids feel. Are they effected by the abusive relationship between the sd and the rest of the family.

People have said she's doing it to test the op. To ensure she's not rejected in the way her mother rejected her. I don't think that is the case, the mother won't be seen as anything other than perfect, plus she has probably filled the child with lies and distortions.

Op I think you need to tell your husband that there isn't a choice. That he needs to go and take his children...point out that it's horribly unfair on the other daughter, but he has brought this about by not supporting the op

Guavafish1 · 22/04/2025 19:21

bunsnroses1 · 22/04/2025 18:05

Yes, continue pouring your finite time, energy and emotions into someone else’s life 🙄

Or you could spend them on yourself and your own kids. Much better return on your investment.

Don’t want to quit … just because of a kid in a dysfunctional situation

FairKoala · 22/04/2025 19:28

It might sound far fetched but does the SD realise that the house belongs you and not her father in any shape or form to and thinks she won’t actually have to move anywhere, it will be you and your children leaving?

Snorlaxo · 22/04/2025 19:32

This has happened because he put his head in the sand and didn’t tackle things.

You should have left earlier but this ultimatum is your wake up call. If he picks you, then his poor relationship with his dd can be blamed on you then he will resent you and conveniently pretend that he hasn’t contributed to that. He has to pick his dd and go through this crap with future girlfriends. His dd will blame the woman because she’s programmed to want her dad’s approval and overlook his faults,

Protect yourself and your kids. Blended family usually don’t work and I’m sorry about the pain that you’ve gone through trying to prove that stat wrong.

Tell him to leave your house and enjoy the rest of your life 💐

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 19:33

ThejoyofNC · 22/04/2025 17:42

Are you actually joking? Send her away to boarding school? FFS.

I am not joking. It's a toxic environment in the house and everyone would benefit if that changed. I am not suggesting she get sent to juvenile detention, or a children's home.

Really, so melodramatic.

CreationNat1on · 22/04/2025 19:36

YABU for not offloading this cocklodger and his mini freeloader DD sooner. Ask them to leave, they need a jolt of reality.

Miloarmadillo2 · 22/04/2025 19:41

Does your partner actually understand that this is an ultimatum situation because you are unwilling to carry on? That whilst you don’t want to force a choice between you and the SD (which would be impossible for him) the alternative is he moves out with both his children. I would side with the majority that say you need to live separately - if it is amicable perhaps you can continue a relationship with him but parent separately until all the children have left home. Does SD realise the house is yours and it will be her and her father that have to leave?

Justmuddlingalong · 22/04/2025 19:42

I'd tell him he doesn't have to choose.
That's I'm making the decision for him. That I choose my kids, my house and my peace of mind.

I'd give him until the end of May to move out, telling him I'm not up for discussing it or negotiations, when he realises that he's now essentially homeless.
You've tried your best, but it's time to quit.

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