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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

154 replies

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

OP posts:
Randomer27 · 22/04/2025 17:38

She is making him choose? You choose.

I would be running away, no one needs that level of dysfunction (to put it mildly) around their own children.

Very weirdly recently at work two people were describing having being in the daughter’s place. Both admitted it was purely driven by jealousy, but neither regretted it at all. And one had a pattern that continued into her thirties!

She doesn’t and is incapable of caring. Move out, and away.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/04/2025 17:41

So he moved into your house? It's time he moved back out again, then.

How are things with your other stepdaughter?

Silvertulips · 22/04/2025 17:41

I would also choose and ask him to leave.

Think about the relief, having peace in your own home.

Dotn hesitate or this won’t end well.

LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 22/04/2025 17:41

On these type of threads it's always the woman's house that the man moves himself and his young kids into.

Let me guess - before he met you he was living in an unsuitable bedsit/shared house/with his parents?

Put yourself and your children first and feel absolutely no guilt about doing so.

ThejoyofNC · 22/04/2025 17:42

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 17:37

How old is this DD of his? Can you send her away to boarding school? Is she old enough to leave the home, as an adult?

These are things I'd be looking at as well.

Are you actually joking? Send her away to boarding school? FFS.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/04/2025 17:43

LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 22/04/2025 17:41

On these type of threads it's always the woman's house that the man moves himself and his young kids into.

Let me guess - before he met you he was living in an unsuitable bedsit/shared house/with his parents?

Put yourself and your children first and feel absolutely no guilt about doing so.

Exactly! The man goes straight from his mum's to his new girlfriend's, creates chaos, ends up being kicked out and blames the girlfriend. Within a week of leaving - and staying back at his mum's - he's off looking for another woman to live off.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 22/04/2025 17:44

I think that he should choose you, and actually that will be the best thing for her too, but he won't.

LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 22/04/2025 17:45

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/04/2025 17:43

Exactly! The man goes straight from his mum's to his new girlfriend's, creates chaos, ends up being kicked out and blames the girlfriend. Within a week of leaving - and staying back at his mum's - he's off looking for another woman to live off.

100%.

He'll be back on Tinder within a week of OP giving him his marching orders, looking for the next nanny with a fanny and her own mortgage.

FleaBeeBob · 22/04/2025 17:46

So the 13 yo is acting out. Sounds like they are crying out for boundaries and love and hope and security and safety.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 22/04/2025 17:48

BMW6 · 22/04/2025 17:19

Tell him he needs to leave your home and take hus children with him.

This 🔼
tell him to move out

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 22/04/2025 17:51

I never understand women who let men move in to their own house, take on the role of parent and housemaid to even more kids while their Daddy sits scratching his arse and thanking his lucky stars.

Think of your own DC here, OP, first and foremost. This must have been a horrific ordeal for them as well as you. Salvage what's left of their childhood and for gods sake don't replace him with a like for like model.

ThatGladTiger · 22/04/2025 17:55

Have you thought about therapy for the child?

Girls in particular can be tricky when growing up. Sounds like he mother abandoned her so the poor thing might be acting out for serious reasons?

You do need your partner to stand up for you. It’s no a destroy everything situation to support my kids - not when they are in the wrong!

Flamingo68 · 22/04/2025 17:57

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 17:37

How old is this DD of his? Can you send her away to boarding school? Is she old enough to leave the home, as an adult?

These are things I'd be looking at as well.

As a mental health professional - please do not do this unless you want to further damage the poor child.

SilverButton · 22/04/2025 17:58

This is a really sad situation OP. Unfortunately I agree with the advice to leave.

CruCru · 22/04/2025 18:00

Be prepared for him to shit himself once it becomes apparent that he’s expected to move out of your house. He’ll make promises and say things about “needing to talk things over”.

bunsnroses1 · 22/04/2025 18:01

Honestly, who has time for all this bullshit?
I will never understand it. ‘Blended’ families do not work. You have your own home and your own children, enjoy them. There’s no dick in the land worth an ounce of this nonsense.

Guavafish1 · 22/04/2025 18:01

Don’t give up

time makes it better? How old is the child in question?

bunsnroses1 · 22/04/2025 18:05

Guavafish1 · 22/04/2025 18:01

Don’t give up

time makes it better? How old is the child in question?

Yes, continue pouring your finite time, energy and emotions into someone else’s life 🙄

Or you could spend them on yourself and your own kids. Much better return on your investment.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 22/04/2025 18:05

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 22/04/2025 17:51

I never understand women who let men move in to their own house, take on the role of parent and housemaid to even more kids while their Daddy sits scratching his arse and thanking his lucky stars.

Think of your own DC here, OP, first and foremost. This must have been a horrific ordeal for them as well as you. Salvage what's left of their childhood and for gods sake don't replace him with a like for like model.

I am sure OP finds this character assignation really constructive.

Vworried1 · 22/04/2025 18:10

Good for you OP. I am wishing you all the best 💜

SuperTrooper14 · 22/04/2025 18:11

So he moved into your house with them and you've basically raised them for ten years? I wonder if DSD will change her tune about him choosing her when she realises they'll lose their home and all the comforts that come with that. Can he even afford to get a place of his own?

ginasevern · 22/04/2025 18:15

Tell him to leave. It's your house. He's made it clear where you stand and I can see no reason on earth why you'd want to live in such misery and be so humiliated. And no, you don't love these girls as your own because with the best will in the world, that isn't possible.

aylis · 22/04/2025 18:17

I'm so sorry. It sounds heartbreaking.

Ultimately he isn't supporting either of you, he's burying his head in the sand and seems to be expecting you to work it out.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/04/2025 18:29

Your dsd is not to blame here, her parents are.

She is a young child who has already been rejected by her mother, I know how hard being a step mum is (have done it twice) but I feel very sorry for the child because she is about to be rejected by the only real mum she's ever had. I'm not saying you shouldn't walk away, I appreciate from your post that there are issues. But the issue is her father not parenting or having your back, not this poor kid who is spiralling.

You need to make the right choice for you and your kids, but I would be careful how you approach it. Don't blame it on the child. Blame it on the father.

BigHeadBertha · 22/04/2025 18:29

Of course you're not being unreasonable for being tired of this situation.

But I have to say, I think you have some work to do on yourself. I don't see you taking any responsibility for your own huge part in this highly dysfunctional family dynamic.

Instead, you sound like another child, tattling that a kid who you've raised since age three has never been nice to you, expecting an award for being a good, passive little girl and not talking back to her, whining that daddy doesn't make her be nice to you, blaming it all on the birth mother who isn't even there, etc.

If a child treated me like that in my own home, she'd soon learn who's in charge and that it's not her, especially not from the age of three years old! Why? Well, newsflash: I'm the adult. I'm there and Daddy's not and even when he is, I'm not easy to disregard or dominate. I control everything from the TV to the food. I'm bigger than her. The thought of needing Daddy's help to deal with Little Miss is hysterical. End of story.

Instead, you've had her since age three and allowed her to run the house since then, apparently. They say people don't do strange things unless they're getting some kind of pay off. So, what's your pay off?

This child has been put into a weird, "adult-ified" position between the two of you since toddlerhood and now you talk about her like she's practically "the other woman."

A child says "Choose between stepmom or me." And you say, "Little bitty poor me wouldn't dream of standing in the way. When a child tells me to jump, I jump. Maybe Daddy will save me. Otherwise, I'll just go eat some worms."

Does this sound normal to you?

Some kids are strong-headed and you need to be deserving of their respect to get it. Allowing her to sass you, refuse to speak to you, roll her eyes at you, smart off and run and tell daddy and now even offering to leave if the child says so. That is not deserving of respect. Is it?

If you're going to stay in this relationship, I suggest any combination of individual, marriage or family counseling. I suggest individual therapy anyway because I think it's likely your passivity problem will travel with you. Best wishes to you.

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