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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

154 replies

ChallengingSituations · 22/04/2025 16:58

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

OP posts:
Marieb19 · 22/04/2025 19:43

How old is she? Why won't your partner stand up to her? Would a spell living with her mother give some relief to you and a reality check to her?

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/04/2025 19:43

Where did you go?

worriedmum7777 · 22/04/2025 19:48

Your partner is not a good partner. He doesn’t have your back at all.

They are living in your house! and they make you feel like this? I’d have asked them all to bugger off a long time ago.

What do your two kids think about all this?

It all sounds totally toxic. Get them out and focus on your own dd.

And raise your bar a lot higher for the future.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 22/04/2025 19:49

Does he have the finances to live separately OP? And will it affect his residency here?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 22/04/2025 19:50

None of them deserve the kindness and support you offer.

nomas · 22/04/2025 19:52

Op, beware of doing anything in the heat of the moment like giving your house or money or loads of furniture.

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 19:52

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 22/04/2025 19:49

Does he have the finances to live separately OP? And will it affect his residency here?

Not the OP’s problem though.
It might mean separating will be slower.
But this shouldn’t be part of the OP’s decision process.

Ywudu · 22/04/2025 19:52

Get some legal advice regarding the house incase he feels he has a claim on part of it then ask them all to leave. You can't come back from this. It's a lose lose situation for everyone involved whatever happens. Don't let the sinking ship drag your children and you down with it.

SerafinasGoose · 22/04/2025 19:52

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 17:03

Not unreasonable at all. Your SD will probably realise soon enough that the grass is always greener on the other side but that won’t be your issue. You are right not yo get involved in a pick-me dance. I’d ask them all to leave but they can stay for 10 days while they sort elsewhere to live.

Agreed. No man is ever worthy of a 'pick me' dance, no matter what the circumstances. You have every right to value yourself far more than this.

You have behaved with admirable dignity and composure. He hasn't supported you adequately, and after this length of time it seems very unlikely that he is about to begin.

You've made the right - the only - choice. You deserve better.

veggie50 · 22/04/2025 19:58

It is sad but it's not the first or the last.
Some people are simply toxic and there's nothing you can do but to extricate yourself and your DC from this situation though I am sure it will hurt.
Sending you hugs.

Crackanut · 22/04/2025 19:58

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 19:33

I am not joking. It's a toxic environment in the house and everyone would benefit if that changed. I am not suggesting she get sent to juvenile detention, or a children's home.

Really, so melodramatic.

She could go to her mother for a bit and give everyone a bit of breathing space.

SunflowersVanGough · 22/04/2025 20:01

Walk away. Tell him and her - she has him. He won’t have your back ever and you are right you can’t live like that.

he needs to leave with them

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 22/04/2025 20:06

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 22/04/2025 19:49

Does he have the finances to live separately OP? And will it affect his residency here?

I am pretty sure the OP means the father got permanent residency of the children, not that he was given permanent residency for this country.

EarthSight · 22/04/2025 20:07

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 17:37

How old is this DD of his? Can you send her away to boarding school? Is she old enough to leave the home, as an adult?

These are things I'd be looking at as well.

Jesus. Emotional abandonment should not be on the cards!! This kind of thing can drive kids of the rails and really affect their adulthood.

uberdriver · 22/04/2025 20:10

EarthSight · 22/04/2025 20:07

Jesus. Emotional abandonment should not be on the cards!! This kind of thing can drive kids of the rails and really affect their adulthood.

Unless she is 8 yrs old, it's not "emotional abandonment". If she is a teen she can run riot at boarding school and put all her manipulative instincts to use there.

whitewineandsun · 22/04/2025 20:17

CruCru · 22/04/2025 17:21

So you own the house? You can’t walk away from it, it is your and your children’s asset. He will need to move out with his daughters.

Agree. Housing them will be his problem. Stay in your house.

0ohLarLar · 22/04/2025 20:20

she’ll still be a messed up kid who is damaged by what her parents have done.

This. Not growing up living with her own mum has probably been so traumatic for her.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 20:25

0ohLarLar · 22/04/2025 20:20

she’ll still be a messed up kid who is damaged by what her parents have done.

This. Not growing up living with her own mum has probably been so traumatic for her.

Not OP’s problem.

TheSilentSister · 22/04/2025 20:29

Take back control of your life. Tell him he doesn't need to chose, he and his kids move out permanently. Your first thoughts/concern should be about your own kids and how this is affecting them - can't be good.
Seems you've tried your best to make this work but at the ages they are now, it's only going to ramp up (assuming they are teenagers now). Don't feel guilty.
I've been in a similar situation. Most kids are sweet and compliant when young, it's when they grow up a bit that problems start, especially with a volatile mother feeding poison/causing friction. When it gets as bad as you've explained, there's not any coming back from it in my experience.

0ohLarLar · 22/04/2025 20:31

Not op's problem but i would explains why she behaves the way she does, rather than labelling her "manipulative".

My kids would be fucking ruined if somehow their Dad and i separated and they only saw me for holidays.

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:31

I think it’s possible to take control of the situation. What has actually happened here? You have a teenage or pre teen girl who needs to be bought into line. You have a relationship that needs urgent work. Stop being such a victim. You are the mother, you need to step up a bit and be a bit more of an active participant in the family life you have created. For yourself, your kids and your step kids. Work with your husband on this. Tell him your needs and set boundaries with your SD. Stick up for yourself.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 20:36

0ohLarLar · 22/04/2025 20:31

Not op's problem but i would explains why she behaves the way she does, rather than labelling her "manipulative".

My kids would be fucking ruined if somehow their Dad and i separated and they only saw me for holidays.

The reasons for the behavior does not excuse the fact that she is manipulative.

OP isn’t required to resign herself and her own children to misery in order to pander to this girl, no matter how tragic the backstory.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2025 20:36

pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 20:31

I think it’s possible to take control of the situation. What has actually happened here? You have a teenage or pre teen girl who needs to be bought into line. You have a relationship that needs urgent work. Stop being such a victim. You are the mother, you need to step up a bit and be a bit more of an active participant in the family life you have created. For yourself, your kids and your step kids. Work with your husband on this. Tell him your needs and set boundaries with your SD. Stick up for yourself.

She isn’t her mother. She doesn’t need to step up for her at the expense of herself and her own children.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 20:38

He is right to put his children first. Now you need to put your children first.

namethisbird · 22/04/2025 20:41

Gosh what about your children? All I’m reading is me me me or DP this or step daughter that. Your poor children being subjected to this toxic environment.
Rather than looking for support from your DP you should be supporting your children.
Apologies if I have read your OP incorrectly but either way you need to ask your DP to leave as this is no way to live.

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