My stepmother journey is coming to an end.

[ChallengingSituations]

I am broken and I am done, I cannot live in the toxic environment anymore.

My partner had two girls aged 2 and 3 from his previous relationship when I met him.
When the father got permanent residency, 10 years ago we had really developed a brilliant relationship.
They moved into my house with my two children, it wasn't whirlwind and it was very well thought out.
We got on brilliantly and family life became very easy and natural.

Their birth mother has holiday time with them but she didn't want EOW because it would upset her social life.

Her contact has had a detrimental effect on the children over the years, she thrives on conflict, she is manipulative, is a complete liar and extremely dangerous.
I don't say this lightly because I always look at situations objectively and try to find the good in people but she is absolutely vile.

The problem I have, is one of the daughters is a carbon copy of her, she has been really difficult for years, so it's not teen hormones.
The things I'm about to say makes me so sad because she is just a child.
She is manipulative, calculating and causes so much upset when she knows it will create the most upset.
She causes so much unnecessary friction between me and her father and tries to pitch my children against each other.
She doesn't speak to me if her father isn't home and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here.

Her father doesn't see any of this because when he's around she's all sweetness and light.
Even when I do tell her father, he's not really listening and it's never her fault.
She has now asked him to choose between her and me.
I told him he couldn't choose me because I'm not an object and if that's the case, he should choose his daughter because I would never come between them.

I have always been so supportive of the children because I understand what they go through.
And most certainly their mother causes so much anxiety and I have never chastised them.
The most I've said when they've been disrespectful to me, "please don't talk to me like that."

It's so bad I have thought about walking away from my house and leaving them to it, obviously I wouldn't but this situation has effected me badly.
Their father is a good partner and I love him dearly but he doesn't support me the way he should.
His idea of supporting me is to send his daughter regular text messages telling her to speak to me, say thank you for dinner, not to make a fuss about food etc.
We have lived 'apart to together' because there has been no cohesion between us in raising his children. Even at Christmas and birthdays I try to talk to him about the gifts we should get them.
He just comes back with, 'I will sort it.'
I end up buying gifts for them from me.

He doesn't want to talk about anything so we could possibly be a united front and deal with the issues as and when.
I have raised them and have been the constant mother figure from the beginning. I love them like my own but living in this toxicity is destroying me completely.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

AIBU to want some support from him?

Family counselling and individual for her.

I had stepsisters....don't minimise the damage they can do to your own children. Your children are more important or should be in your book, so tell DH to move out with his children before your children resent their childhood. Obviously step families often work well but not in this case or in mine!

Not sure it's as basic as just not supporting you but probably more emotional turmoil on his part because he can't win whatever he does. Wanting his daughters approval and validation and desperate to compensate for the love she doesn't get from her real mum but also wanting your love and approval as well and being torn by how to do right by both sides. If he comes down tougher on her for the way she treats you he risks losing her affection, and if he doesn't he risks losing yours. It seems for him at least, he isn't able to be a 'blended' parent and keeping his children happy takes precidence in situation. Sadly I think you are right and the journey is ending because it will never change and it isn't even you, she would probably be the same with any partner of his and he would deal with it (or not!) the same way. She just doesn't want to share him with you.

This. The OP is guilty here in putting her own dc through this because she "loves her partner dearly".

She can’t walk away she owns the house. It’s the dh and his DD’s who will have to leave.

I would say to this girl that her father didn’t choose her over you. You don’t do the pick me dance for anyone and you asked him to leave and take her with him. She will never know if he really would have picked her.

I know it is not a nice thing to say to a child But this child is trying to upturn everyone’s lives. She does need to face some consequences.

Thinking yourself as a master manipulator is not healthy for any child.
It could do her some good in the future to realise that she might think people are pieces on a chessboard to be moved around the board at her will. But not everyone or everything is going to react or do exactly what she thinks they should do.

I doubt her relationship with her sister will survive this.

I still think this girl thinks her dad either owns the house or has a claim on it.

I still think this girl thinks her dad either owns the house or has a claim on it.

I suspect he does too.

Is there any chance this is possible after 10 years?

Your DP is the problem. You're not unreasonable for wanting support but he's telling you loud and clear you won't get it. He's refusing to parent and to be your partner. He sounds entirely absent - mentally at least- from the home. You live apart together, he doesn't listen to you, the list goes on. I've no reason to dispute what you say about his ex but I think he is at least as responsible for his DD's behaviour.

I would discuss a timeline for separation that allows him to get a place to house his children, and come up with arrangements for your respective DCs seeing one another, and their step parents, if they want to.

He’s used you as the nanny with a fanny for a decade, whilst also getting (no doubt) cheap digs (& probably cooking and cleaning done for him) whilst living with you.

Ask him to leave.

He’s shown you that he doesn’t respect or care for you, he’s just using you for your child raising, domestic labour and home.

This post is completely right. I’m still dealing with issues in my 40s about having a step family and my mum don’t putting me and my sister first

@BigHeadBertha Your take on the situation is a strange /warped/ exaggerated and unflattering distortion of the OP - I don't see the whining, weak person you are describing at all.

The approach you suggest she should take only works if both partners in house are on board. End of.

It's not that she 'needs help from daddy' cause she is 'weak'. It's that she can't earn respect if she is undermined at every turn. Suggesting that she can just bulldoze through with is over optimistic, over simplistic. This approach would actually work really for a lone parent raising kids without another adult in the house, or a couple singing from same hymn sheet, but dad is the weak link in this. Not OP.

This is a very good point. OP, is it going to be worth putting your partner, and being a mother to his children, over the wellbeing of your own children, if in the long run it ends up deeply damaging or even costing you the relationship you have with your own?

You already know this is impacting them, and the degree to which it is may not actually be apparent to you right now. What is it going to potentially cost you in the future, especially if you persist on keeping them in this environment?

You’ve already given them years of your life, and the lives and childhoods of your children. When is enough, enough?

You are spot on he is entirely absent.
He has managed to undermine me way too much over the years and all attempts at conversations have completely failed.

Thank you everyone, your thoughts and opinions mean such a lot in this situation.
I will be asking him to leave because this really is a untenable situation.
It really cannot continue this way.

It's heartbreaking because none of this should be happening but I realise I cannot change a personality.
I have given my all but it simply isn't enough and it never will be for her.

I am sorry you are in this situation. The SD is clearly a problem but your far bigger problem is your partner not parenting or supporting you. It sounds like bit like you are pinning most of this on her when it should be on your partner.

You tried your best. DP is refusing to parent properly, SD is making your home toxic, and it’s time to prioritise your own DC/yourself, and allow your home to be a place where you/your DC can arrive at the end of a stressful day and exhale in peace.

If the other step child said they wanted to stay with you would that be possible?

I will be asking him to leave because this really is a untenable situation.

I will be telling him to leave because this really is a untenable situation.

Will you continue your relationship with him? What timescale will you ask him to leave within?

I'm honestly not, when all said and done and no matter what troubles she has caused.
She is just a child, her father's inability to parent her or even support me a little when times have been really tough.

I really hate saying blame, but it's definitely her father who should have been doing more in this situation, perhaps it would've have come to this.

You are 100% correct.

However I would look at it not that he is choosing or has chosen between you and DSD.

He has chosen himself, in every single interaction since she was a toddler.

He has chosen to prioritise his own emotional comfort over everyone else. His actions are self serving. He has severely let his DD down. This is huge emotional neglect. She will be unable to function in the world as she is crying out for the guard-rails and boundaries that make any child feel emotionally held and secure. Someone else will be her next target as she needs to discharge her emotional distress. He thinks he has swerved confronations / conflicts with her as he doesnt was to risk unsettling her - but she needs this for her own growth.

He is a 'marshmallow parent'

The "marshmallow parent" concept, rooted in the Stanford marshmallow experiment, refers to a parenting style where parents are seen as overly lenient or permissive, often enabling unhealthy behaviors and habits in their children. Essentially, a "marshmallow parent" is a pushover who prioritizes their child's immediate desires over long-term development.

Beyond the Marshmallow:
While the concept is often linked to the marshmallow test, it can be applied to other areas of parenting as well. For example, a marshmallow parent might be too eager to do things for their child, rather than letting them learn to do things themselves

• Promoting Entitlement: Children of marshmallow parents may develop a sense of entitlement and believe that their needs should always be met immediately.

• Weakening Self-Control: By giving in to immediate desires, marshmallow parents may hinder their children's ability to develop self-control and the ability to delay gratification.

• Enabling Unhealthy Habits: Marshmallow parents may inadvertently encourage unhealthy eating habits, lack of responsibility, and a general lack of accountability.

Balancing Act:
Effective parenting involves finding a balance between being supportive and loving and setting healthy boundaries and limits. It's about guiding children towards responsible decision-making and fostering their ability to delay gratification and work towards long-term goals.

Its possible that this child has a PD (EUPD/BPD?) inherited from her mother and exacerbated by her early childhood trauma and then inadvertently further exacerbated by her DF and DM

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237#:~:text=Genetics.,health%20conditions%20among%20family%20members.

Personality disorders are thought to be influenced by both genetic factors and environmental influences. While the exact causes are still being investigated, research suggests that a combination of inherited genes and early life experiences, such as abuse or neglect, contribute to the development of these conditions.

Elaboration:
Genetic Influence:
Studies, including twin and adoption studies, indicate that personality disorders are moderately to strongly heritable, meaning that genetic factors play a significant role. This doesn't mean that personality disorders are solely determined by genes, but rather that individuals may be more predisposed to developing them based on their genetic makeup.

Environmental Factors:
Early life experiences, such as trauma, abuse, or neglect, can also influence the development of personality disorders. These experiences can interact with genetic predispositions to trigger or worsen the condition.

Complex Interaction:
It's believed that personality disorders are a result of a complex interplay between genetics and the environment. Genes may make an individual more vulnerable to developing a personality disorder, but the specific triggers and manifestations may vary based on environmental factors.

Can I just say how refreshing it is OP to see a woman who has given her absolute all to a relationship (with both her partner and their kids) and yet hasn’t sacrificed her financial freedom or housing situation.

Whilst it’s terribly sad that the relationship has ended up this way, it’s a real positive thing that you’ve protected your home for your children so the disruption for them isn’t as severe.

Imagine if it was his house; you’d either be stuck with him or homeless.

Hopefully he’s been sensible with his finances too and can afford to set up his own home without you.

I know his daughter will be overjoyed believing he's chosen her over me if I asked him to leave.

I would be making it quite clear that he hasn't chosen; you have chosen for him, because the current situation cannot continue, and you are putting your children first.

And they need to leave soon, for your children's sake. I would start packing their stuff up this weekend.

Just get them out it is your home not theirs.

How has you week gone @ChallengingSituations ? Are you getting any RL support from friends or family?